INTRO
AMIR: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir-- oh! My nose is bleeding.
JAKE: It's always bleeding.
AMIR: Yeah, but this time it's, like, for real!
JAKE: [rapping in a low nasal voice] Ass so frat, we sat at the frat, we back to the frat, we sat on that ass, we back to the frat!
AMIR: What are you doing?
JAKE: I got a bid! ...That's what I'm doing!
AMIR: What's a bid?
[Jake holds up a paper reading "Congratulations on Your Bid to Upsilon Upsilon Upsilon, Jake Hurwitz", decorated with an emblem for YYY as well as a pattern of skulls and crossbones.]
JAKE: A bid is a ticket! A ticket in! I'm a goddamn Greek god now. Okay? I'm pledging a frat.
AMIR: Why are you pledging a frat?
JAKE: First of all, can you not do me the disservice? Don't do me the dishonor, the disrespect of calling it a "frat"? Okay? It's a fraternity. Would you call your country a cunt?
AMIR: My country's a cunt.
JAKE: Traitor!
AMIR: You called it a frat first!
JAKE: Did I? Did I for real though? [suddenly nervous] ...Don't tell my Bigs. Do not-- dude, I'll suck your dick.
AMIR: Stop it.
JAKE: No, I will.
AMIR: I know. Stop it!
JAKE: Secondly, being in a fraternity is the highest form of brotherhood. It gets you made, paid, and-- oh yeah!-- it gets you laid.
AMIR: How does it get you paid?
JAKE: ...Sorry?
AMIR: How does it get you paid?
JAKE: It gets you laid, I said.
AMIR: No, you said paid, and made--
JAKE: Made.
AMIR: ...Paid.
JAKE: P-- You know what? It gets you paid in pussy. Yeah. That's what it does. Liquid pussy. That's currency in my frat. Okay? My fraternity. You got that? Have you ever hooked up with a sorority girl?
AMIR: No.
JAKE: Well you know what? Pretty soon, that's something you and I won't have in common.
AMIR: Isn't there, like, hazing and stuff?
JAKE: Holy shit, you really don't get it, do you? Upsilon Upsilon Upsilon doesn't believe in hazing, okay? They believe in the bond, forged by brothers, committing acts of courage for one another.
AMIR: So what did you have to do?
JAKE: Eat socks, chug a bottle of absinthe 'till I puked, get whipped on my ass, wear a vibrating dildo around my neck for an entire day, call my mom, tell her my brother was dead, call my brother, tell him I was gay, and me and a bunch of other pledges had to hold each other's dicks in a basement while we walked around like elephants. It's called the elephant-walk and, uh, this elephant wishes he could forget. [chuckles] I also ate six banana peels--
AMIR: Jesus! Why?
JAKE: Because I'm not allowed to question why! Because our bond is tighter than the glue they used to seal my asshole shut before our Triple Chili Challenge. Okay? Because Upsilon Upsilon Upsilon is a global... brand!
[Jake holds up his arm. "YYY" has been branded onto his bicep.]
AMIR: Holy shit!
JAKE: Yeah!
AMIR: Did that hurt?
JAKE: Still hurts! Hasn't stopped hurting! It's a third-degree burn, brother! But, um, I can think of something hotter! It's a sorority girl's ta-tas! And-- they're on my ya-ya!
AMIR: Why, why, why!
JAKE: [slaps the brand] Why not?
AMIR: No, I was just reading it. Y-Y-Y.
[A beeper on Jake's desk vibrates.]
JAKE: Shit! Dude, that's Dick-Tooth. Give me your phone, quick!
AMIR: Why don't you just call him on your phone?
JAKE: 'Cause Dick-T threw it in a river!
AMIR: You mean Dick-Tooth.
JAKE: No! It's two different people, ass! Give me your phone, or I can kiss my bid goodbye!
[A member of the fraternity, presumably Dick-Tooth, shows up.]
DICK-TOOTH: Holy shit! God damn, Hur-bitch! I thought you was dead! I beeped you, and I got nothing back!
JAKE: [standing at attention] It is I: Hur-bitch. I am your humble servant; you are my proud master. Your word is my command. You letters are my brand. [displays YYY brand]
END