INTRO
JAKE: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir!
AMIR: ...Gimme a hug--
JAKE: Get off of me.
AMIR: Oh my God.
JAKE: You're wet.
[Paul is in his office, playing Tiny Wings.]
PAUL: Yes, yes, yes--
[He loses.]
PAUL: D'ohhh... dammit!
[Will enters and closes the door.]
WILL: Uh, sir? Is this a bad time?
PAUL: Well it is now! You just made me lose my Tiny Wings!
WILL: Oh-- you said "dammit" before I entered.
PAUL: I saw you entering and it broke my concentration.
[Will nods solemnly.]
PAUL: What is it.
WILL: Well... [laughs] your lunch.
[Will holds up a paper bag with "POL" written on it]
PAUL: BLT?
WILL: That's right! Bacon, lettuce, and tangerine.
PAUL: On raw, uncooked whole wheat dough?
WILL: Yes, sir!
PAUL: Perfect. Give it here, give it here, give it here!
[Paul grabs the bag.]
PAUL: Ahhh, yes! Excellent, excellent! [kisses the bag] Oh, and Will?
[Will, about to leave, turns back around.]
WILL: Hm?
PAUL: Look, I know it's not your place...
WILL: Of course not.
PAUL: ...Will you help me pick a password for my email?
[Will scoffs, overwhelmed.]
WILL: I'd be honored!
PAUL: Excellent. Okay... start brainstorming. No bad ideas.
WILL: Banana13.
PAUL: Leave.
WILL: No... no no no no no, please... please, uh, uhhh, uh-- Blue-comma-Yankee-twenty-seven. ["blue,yankee27" or maybe "bluecommayankee27"]
PAUL: Will, get out!
WILL: Karate, karate!
PAUL: This experiment is more than over.
[A long silence ensues. Will goes to leave, but then turns around.]
WILL: 12997345--
PAUL: Enough. Enough, enough! Stop talking, stop talking!
WILL: --write it down; this is gold. 3345HHH--
WILL: I can't! I can't, I can't!
[Elsewhere, Jake and Amir hear Paul yelling at Will (see Jake and Amir: 4th of July Scroll)[1] . Amir looks up from his scroll, and he and Jake look around for the source of the commotion.]
PAUL: [sigh] Alright. Alright. Have a seat.
[Will sits cross-legged on the floor beside the chair.]
PAUL: I can't tell you how many assistants I've lost to this password juncture. You're the only one with the capacity for such tenacity and audacity. But more than anything, I admire your veracity.
WILL: [chuckles] I think we just found our password!
[Will gets up and types "Veracity" into the password box.]
PAUL: No. [laughs] did you think it would be that easy?
WILL: [slyly] ...Of course not.
[Will hits another key. The password now reads "Veracity8".]
PAUL: Will... how can I put this so your monkey brain can understand it? I need a password that you're gonna forget when you walk out of this office!
WILL: Sir?
PAUL: Well-- say I use Veracity8, and then I write a scathing email to my wife about what a baboon my assistant is. Do you think I want you to be able to read that? Do you think I want you to know how big of a chimp you are?
[Will is standing at attention, trying to keep from emoting.]
PAUL: No wonder you chose Banana13! It's your favorite food and your IQ!
WILL: ...I deserved that.
PAUL: Come up with something that you'll forget.
WILL: Corn1228738... B4G.
PAUL: ...Well, I can't remember that, you big ape.
WILL: Okay, how about a loved one's birthday? Right? That way you'll remember it, and I won't.
PAUL: ...Actually, that's perfect!
WILL: You're perfect.
[Paul does a double-take at Will, then turns his attention to his screen. He types "A Loved One's Birthday" into the box.]
PAUL: Finally. Now I can eat my lunch in peace.
[He takes out his sandwich. Before he takes a bite, he stops to inspect one of the tangerine slices.]
PAUL: ...Is this a clementine?
[Will, frightened, begins making ape noises.]
PAUL: Is this a fucking clementine?
[Will makes more ape noises in fear as Paul begins force-feeding him the sandwich.]
END