INTRO
JAKE: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir!
AMIR: [with his mouth full] Mm-hmm!
JAKE: Can you not eat in here?
AMIR: [with his mouth full] Oh, barely noticeable!
[Jake and Amir are at their desks. Jake is listening to something on his computer.]
JAKE: Hey. Hey, you're in a YouTube video. And-- ...you're an asshole. Oh my God, you're an asshole.
[Amir looks up at Jake. He has a bruised eye and a large, somewhat bloodstained head bandage.]
AMIR: Is it viral?
JAKE: I think it might go viral; it's you trying and failing to jack an iPhone on the subway.
AMIR: Bull... shite! I got away with it! That video lies to you; it's propaganda!
JAKE: No, it's actually not. I can see very clearly: this girl is texting on her iPhone and you just rip it out of her hands; you try to time it just right so you can get out there before the doors close--
AMIR: Yeah! [laughs]
JAKE: --but no. You thought it was a good idea to turn around and say [Amir begins pointing and mouthing Jake's quote, as if re-living the moment] "time for you to disconnect permanently", and then wink at her.
[Amir nods in acknowledgement.]
JAKE: How did you think you had time for that?
[Amir is suddenly wearing a pair of sunglasses over his regular glasses.]
AMIR: Frankly, my dear... [looks over the sunglasses] I don't give a damn.
JAKE: You should give a damn, because here you are running around the train like an animal, like a scared rat, trying to burrow your way out of the door, large crowds just forming around you, and then you... you lay on the ground; you start kicking and screaming. I mean... listen to this.
[Jake unplugs his headphones and hits the volume-up key. Amir's voice fades in. As they listen, Amir, whose sunglasses disappeared again at some point, nods in acknowledgement of the audio. Jake shakes his head to say "no". Amir copies Jake mockingly.]
AMIR: [in-video] Fire! There's a fire in here! Somebody please press the emergency brake! I swear to God, there's a frickin' fire in here!
AMIR: And it worked! ...Yeah!
JAKE: Right, except finally when someone does press the emergency brake, it just gives the gang that much more time to beat the shit out of you! ...That's not smart! ...That wasn't good thinking!
AMIR: Yeah, but-- [scoffs] have you ever, like, gone to the gym and forgot your shoes?
JAKE: ...Like, leaving my house, without my shoes--
AMIR: Forget-- I knew you wouldn't get it--
JAKE: Of course!
AMIR: I knew you would just hang me out to dry, because you love seeing me fail! Right? The Germans call it "schadenfreude". [chuckles] Americans do too! It's funny: we were enemies for so long, but we still use some of their phrases. C'est la vie! [chuckles] That's French, but you get the poi--
JAKE: Okay, focus. Okay? 'Cause four guys are just sitting on your limbs right now, laying you out like a starfish, while every single woman and child on this train is... they're taking turns stepping on your face!
[Amir discreetly puts the sunglasses back on.]
JAKE: ...You're so hated, buddy!
AMIR: If you're a hero... [flicks his collar] then I'm a zero!
JAKE: You are a zero!
AMIR: How'd you like to know that I got a free iPhone out of the whole shebang?
JAKE: You didn't get a free iPhone! Eight people are carrying you to the front of the train right now, laying you at the feet of the woman that you robbed, making you not only return her phone, but... God, lick the bottom of her shoes, which... you almost seem too willing to do.
AMIR: Kinky! [chuckles]
JAKE: It's not "kinky"--
[Jake stops to turn his attention to the video.]
JAKE: What the f-- ...they're taking out your dick?
[Amir folds his sunglasses and puts them down. He starts sniffling.]
JAKE: Hey... hey, they took out your dick, they s-- ... they molested you, bud.
[Amir nods silently, still shaken.]
JAKE: You can sue these assholes.
AMIR: ...Do you think I have a case?
JAKE: Hell yeah, I think you have a case! This.. herd, with their hive-mind and their mob mentality.
AMIR: Yeah!
JAKE: They-- they think the train's under their own martial law?
AMIR: Bull!
JAKE: I mean, they're... [stammering] they're taunting you! They're flicking your dick, taking turns, and-- and videotaping it!
AMIR: They were, yeah. Somebody was all like "I'm gonna Vine it", whatever that means.
JAKE: That's a disgrace. If it's a disgrace, then you've got a case!
AMIR: You think I've got a case?
[A lawyer shows up from presumably under the table.]
LAWYER: Did someone say they had a case?
JAKE: He's got a case.
LAWYER: You were disgraced.
AMIR: I was disgraced. Do I have a case?
LAWYER: Did they mace your face?
AMIR: They maced my face!
LAWYER: Where was this place?
AMIR: A... subway space.
LAWYER: [quietly] ...What was the race?
AMIR: That's in poor taste.
["The Sign" begins playing from somewhere off-screen.]
LAWYER: Is that Ace of Base?
END