AMIR: Hey, please enjoy this very egg-cellent episode of Jake and Amir!
JAKE: Dude, come on. Stop.
AMIR: Eggs!
[Jake walks in to the office. On Amir's desk is a chicken idly looking around.]
JAKE: I think I'm gonna work from home today.
[Jake turns to leave, but is stopped by Rick Fox, who restrains Jake with a hand to the face.]
RICK: Yeah, you're not going anywhere.
JAKE: ...Rick Fox?
RICK: I head you're the, uh, chicken whisperer.
JAKE: From who?
RICK: [points to Josh, who is working in the background] Everyone.
JAKE: That's... just-- that's Josh.
RICK: Yeah, I need your help.
JAKE: What.
RICK: My chicken's more than sick. [points to the chicken standing on the desk] It's dead.
JAKE: ...That chicken's fine.
RICK: ...Oh my God!
[Rick laughs with joy and hugs Jake very hard. Amir shows up.]
JAKE: Oh! No!
AMIR: He saved the goose! What did I tell ya?
[Rick lets go of Jake and does a happy chicken dance.]
JAKE: Why are you even here, Rick Fox? Did you come to steal more money from Amir?
RICK: Actually, dick, I'm here to tell Amir that I'm out of the bookie business.
[Amir gasps.]
RICK: My beautiful wife, [to Jake] who is not a chicken...
JAKE: Didn't say she was. You shouldn't have to clarify that.
RICK: She convinced me I need a more honest trade.
AMIR: Mm. Yeah, that makes sense.
RICK: So I'm just here to collect Amir's eight-thousand-dollar quitting fee.
JAKE: Doesn't sound very honest.
AMIR: No, it is. Can I PayPal you the money?
RICK: Mm. Cash.
AMIR: Fair.
RICK: I've spent all my life obsessing about...
JAKE: Eggs?
[Rick stares daggers at Jake.]
AMIR: Oh my God.
RICK: Why are you always talking about eggs?
JAKE: I'm not.
AMIR: You-- no, you are, and it's starting to b-- like, it's st-- it's--
JAKE: He brought a chicken to the office!
AMIR: It's-- it's enough, alright? I'm getting really pissed off about it.
RICK: You are the only one talking about eggs.
JAKE: Fine. Fine, what have you spent your entire life obsessing over?
RICK: Omelettes!
JAKE: ...Omelettes are eggs! Omelettes are eg--
[Rick picks Jake up by the collar.]
RICK: What did you say?
JAKE: Nothing! Nothing, okay? I'm-- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
RICK: Say it again. Say it one more time.
AMIR: Say it to his face!
JAKE: I don't want to! You're scaring me, Rick Fox!
[Rick chuckles.]
RICK: [to the chicken] You hear that, baby? I'm scary!
JAKE: What's happening right now? Is that chicken over there your wife? Is that what's going on? You sick fuck!
[Elisa Dushku shows up behind Rick Fox.]
ELISA: Drop him.
[Rick complies.]
JAKE: Jesus... Thank you. Thank you, ma'am. I'm glad that I'm not the only person here who thinks this guy is completely--
[Elisa picks up Jake by the collar.]
ELISA: What did you say about eggs, motherfucker?
JAKE: God. She's crazier.
ELISA: Say it. Say it to our face.
JAKE: Whose face?
RICK: Mine!
ELISA: Mine!
RICK: His!
ELISA: Hers!
AMIR: Ours!
JAKE: You know what? Fine. Omelettes are eggs. Omelettes are eggs. It's a fact.
[Rick and Elisa burst out laughing.]
RICK: Next you're gonna tell us chicken nuggets [procures a chicken nugget] are made from real chickens instead of just being named after them! [takes a bite]
JAKE: What are you talking about, "being named after" chicken?
ELISA: Like an Arnold Palmer isn't made of Arnold Palmer! He's a golfer, not a drink. [to Rick] I learned that the hard way, remember?
JAKE: No, chicken nuggets are made of chicken. They kill a chicken, grind up the meat and then shape it into nuggets.
[Rick is taken aback. Elisa chuckles, but quickly stops.]
ELISA: Come on, baby. Go. Go, go--
[Rick runs to a garbage can and vomits.]
RICK: I'm a cannibal!
[Rick vomits again, then kneels in front of the chicken.]
RICK: [to the chicken] Baby... I want you to kill me.
[The chicken squawks.]
END