[Amir begins the intro by speaking gibberish with very bizarre inflection, as if speaking backwards.]
AMIR: Nyatch oo-wruz ib yadgerg ream--
JAKE: You don't have to do it backwards.
AMIR: I wasn't trying to!
[Jake and Amir are at their desks.]
AMIR: Holy wow! Congrats, bud! We're rich!
[Amir puts his hand out and pantomimes a handshake.]
JAKE: Alright, I think I'm gonna work from the conference room today, so--
AMIR: Oh wait-- we're actually not rich at all! 'Cause Zark Fuckernerd has us bent over a table, owning every single photo we've posted to Instagram! I'm sorry, pal!
JAKE: ...Okay?
AMIR: "Okay"? No way! Instagram's new privacy policy claims that it can and will sell all of your photos to the highest bidder!
JAKE: What are you talking about?
AMIR: What am I talking about? I'm talking about you don't own your shit! Do you have any idea how dangerous that is, okay? That's why I posted this paragraph to my Facebook profile which should stop the bleeding for now while my lawyers look over the fine print. Actually, give me your email. I will forward you this paragraph and you gotta copy and paste it precisely. Otherwise they'll find the fuckin' loopholes in it, I swear to God they will. Those micey, micey bastards.
JAKE: We've worked together for six years. Do you really not know my email?
AMIR: Actually, better yet, don't even give it to me, 'cause I fear that my email is being monitored, hacked, or worse: both, by King Zark himself. Yeah, he's all up there, trollin' around looking for paintings and shit, art that I have in my head.
JAKE: Art in your head?
AMIR: Yeah! I'm being Thomas-Crown-Affaired by the Facebook dictator himself! Yeah, he's makin' his way into the art museum of my brain while I sleep, crawlin' around, makin' his way out with billion-- nay, million-dollar ideas for paintings and shit?
JAKE: That's less money, okay? You really think Mark Zuckerberg wants to steal and then sell this photo of you... planking at a candlelight vigil? ...I mean, I don't even know what the vigil's for, but I think no matter what, it's pretty depraved!
AMIR: "I saw the greatest minds of my generation destroyed by madness. Starving, hysterical, naked, dragging themselves through the negro streets at dawn, looking for an angry fix!" Do you know who said that?
JAKE: Allen Ginsberg.
AMIR: Amir Blumenfeld!
JAKE: No! No. You ass.
AMIR: [laughing maniacally, cackling] It's working! Don't you get it? It's absolutely working! He's pitting brother against brother!
JAKE: Who is? Who's stealing from you?
AMIR: Ginsberg! Zuckerberg! All these frickin' Jew billionaires! Don't you get it? I make these Instagram photos for me! I write these Facebook statuses for me, so that if one day, let's say I want to sell them, that should be my money! That's my prerogative; that should be my money!
JAKE: W-- what are you talking about? What do you think you agreed to--
AMIR: I'm saying if I want to approach a-- a huge brand, like a Doritos or a Coca-Cola--
JAKE: They would never buy anything from you. You think they have any interest in your status? "Going to the mall? Nah. Going to the mall high. Like this status and I'll smoke you out."
AMIR: They like quirky, cheeky, irreverent humor.
JAKE: That's not quirky, cheeky, or irreverent. It's not even humor.
AMIR: Do you watch the British Office?
JAKE: Don't ask me about the British Office.
AMIR: I'm serious, do you watch the British Office, with Richard Gervais?
JAKE: You're comparing your desperate wannabe-stoner status with one of the most beloved sitcoms of all time?
AMIR: All's I know is that last night I had a dream of a painting, and today it's the friggin' logo of the Facebook! Okay? Is that just a coincidence? Are you really that ignorant? Are you really that fuckin' blind?
JAKE: That's it, dude! That's it! Do something more important with your day.
AMIR: Fine. Fuck off, alright? Have a good life! Good luck being classless, assless, deaf, and dumb! You know why? 'Cause Facebook's robbin' ya! Instagram's rapin' ya! And Myspace? [puts his finger in his mouth and makes a popping sound] It's givin' ya the old how-do-you-do! [wiggles his finger in the air]
JAKE: ...Holy shit.
[Amir keeps wiggling his finger.]
JAKE: Holy shit, what are you saying?
AMIR: You know what? Here. [throws a baseball cap with "FOR SALE" printed on it at Jake] Here you go! You deserve this. Hey guys! Listen up, good news! Jake's now for sale! Make sure to make your check out to Zark frickin' Dinkenberg!
JAKE: Okay, yeah! [puts on the hat] Everybody, actually, while you're here-- this is good-- gather 'round, 'cause Amir's gonna delete his Facebook and Instagram!
AMIR: ...Hah?
JAKE: "Hah?" No, right? You found out they've been robbing us blind from the get-go! He's figured 'em out, so he's decided to take the moral high ground and delete both accounts.
AMIR: Okay, okay. You've made your point. Relax. You'll-- you'll make a martyr of me.
JAKE: No, really! I really think you should do that. Delete both the accounts, right now.
[Amir stares back silently, then without warning begins crying and covers his face.]
JAKE: ...Oh my God.
[Amir sobs quietly to himself.]
JAKE: You're an adult man. You're a grown-up; a fully-grown person. Jesus, buddy!
AMIR: [crying] What, buddy? I'm sad.
JAKE: Okay! I'm sorry.
AMIR: [crying] I just-- I don't want to delete it! It's, like, the best website ever, and-- and Instagram is the tightest app.
JAKE: Okay, so keep it!
AMIR: [crying] Okay. Yeah, you're right. And I'll take 'em down from the inside.
[Pat walks up with a Red Bull can.]
PAT: Hey Amir, congrats on being the new face of Red Bull!
AMIR: Noooooo!
PAT: Are you planking at a vigil on here?
[The logo on Pat's Red Bull can is a photo of Amir planking in the middle of hundreds of candles.]