JAKE: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir!
AMIR: Jake or Amir, you mean.
JAKE: No, they're not.
AMIR: Right...
[Jake and Amir are at their desks. Amir is playing with two plastic dinosaur toys.]
AMIR: Hallelujah? Nah... holla me. Yeah!
[Amir makes the T-Rex bite the stegosaurus's jugular, groans for emphasis, and makes a fart noise. Jake's phone rings, and he picks it up.]
JAKE: [on the phone] Hey! Hey, yeah, I was wondering if you could come to that meeting today.
[Amir, believing he's being spoken to, snaps to attention and slams the toys onto the desk.]
AMIR: Me?
[Jake continues on the phone.]
JAKE: [on the phone] Yeah, yeah. In the, uh... junior conference room.
AMIR: Yeah! Uh... totally. The junior--? Which one's the junior conference room?
JAKE: [on the phone] It's at, uh, three-thirty?
AMIR: Absolutely! Are-- you sure you're gonna want me there? I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled. I'm just a little... thrown off, is all.
JAKE: [on the phone] We could push it to four...
AMIR: No need! Three-thirty's actually better for me 'cause I have this cardiologist appointment that I'd hate to push...
JAKE: [on the phone] Alright. Four's good.
AMIR: Fine, okay, I'll-- ...yeah, I'll make things work; I'll shuffle it around. I just have this pacemaker thing that I need re-calibrated; it, like-- ah, it kills me.
JAKE: [on the phone] Cool!
AMIR: Cool. Yeah, cool! Nah, you're right. Absolutely. I just-- I'm really close to death, but... totally. What should I bring? This is my first meeting. [chuckles] A fruit plate? What--
JAKE: [to Amir] Yo, shut up, dude.
AMIR: Of course! I'm just excited about the meeting. Alright? In fact... permission to lead it?
JAKE: [on the phone] I'm here. Yeah.
AMIR: Yeah. Alright, yeah! And I will be there too! I will be there leading the meeting! Then it is agreed-ing.
JAKE: [to Amir] Yo, you really have to be quiet.
AMIR: Don't tell me how to conduct my own meeting, alright? I'm now the leader! And I'm not bringing a fruit plate to my own meeting only to be told how to act by some-- some underling, some college drop-out!
JAKE: [on the phone] Sorry, there's just this idiot yelling in my ear right now.
AMIR: Apology accepted! But if you don't want someone yelling in your ear, I suggest you put down the phone!
JAKE: [on the phone] Alright! I'll see you there!
[Jake hangs up.]
AMIR: No you won't.
JAKE: ...What?
AMIR: What? "What," like I'm not gonna be there? No... "what" like you're not gonna be there.
JAKE: What are you talking about right now?
AMIR: Don't worry about it, "bro"! [scoffs] Go back to watching wrestling, "bro"! [scoffs] Go back to eating chicken nuggets out of your brother's asshole, "bro"!
JAKE: Do you think I said "bro" at some point? You're mimicking something you misheard.
AMIR: Don't worry about it...
JAKE: ..."bro"?
AMIR: [simultaneously] ..."bro"! Yeah.
JAKE: Okay...
[Jake is at the meeting. He is the only one not dressed in a suit.]
JAKE: Well-- okay, I guess I didn't get the suit memo. I'm sorry about that. Uh, why don't we just jump right in--
[Amir appears at the door holding a fruit plate and wearing a top hat and a sash reading "LEADER" in large gold letters.]
AMIR: How's the heating in this meeting? If you're wondering why I'm asking, it's because I'm... Jake, what are you doing here?
JAKE: Get out.
AMIR: Of my own meeting? [laughs, holds up the fruit plate and points to it] Gee whiz, Jake! I'd rather not!
JAKE: This isn't your meeting, man. Leave.
AMIR: Treason! This is more than a coup d'etat!
JAKE: I don't know where you got the impression that you were even allowed in this room, let alone leading our meeting.
AMIR: Where I got the impression was from you, ya coward! In fact, you guys are all cowards for listening to this snake-oil salesman. [laughs] ...Get him. I'm sorry, Jake, but-- guys, get him.
JAKE: Alright, I don't think--
[The two guys next to Jake pin his hands to the table.]
JAKE: --Okay, hey--
[Gonny, the guy on Jake's left, addresses Amir.]
Gonny: O Captain! My Captain! What shall we do with this traitor?
AMIR: ...Off with his head!
JAKE: "Off with my head", dude? [laughs] G--
[Gonny stands up behind Jake.]
JAKE: Gonny... Gonny, what are you doing-- I-- oh!
[Gonny grabs Jake's head and tries to rip it off. Amir looks on, and the other people present laugh and cheer.]
JAKE: Ah! Okay! Ah, I'll leave! Ow, I'll leave!
AMIR: You'll leave in a body bag, ya Benedict Hey-Arnold! Unless that's not your style, "bro"!
JAKE: I never said "bro"!
[Gonny yells with rage as he continues trying to decapitate Jake.]