INTRO:
JAKE: Hey, you're watching jake and amir.
AMIR: And there's a small chance that nobody will come to your funeral.
JAKE: Unnecessarily mean.
[Jake is doing work, and Amir is watching him. Amir burps and smiles, then makes weird faces, as if saying "ooh no big deal".]
AMIR: (quietly) Whatever.
(Jake barely acknowledges him.)
AMIR: ...Jake.
JAKE: Amir.
AMIR: ...Call me Jake. (chuckles)
JAKE: Absolutely not.
AMIR: I have a feeling you'll be calling me all day and night. To thank me for the gift that I got you when you open your drawer and find it.
JAKE: I'll look after work, alright?
AMIR: You'll look before work! You'll look before work or I'll take it back!
JAKE: Don't get mad at me, okay? Work's already started, one, and two: fine, dude, take it back.
AMIR: That was an idle threat you ingrate! Open the fricken drawer! Open the fricken box!--
JAKE: Jesus! Jesus! Fine! Fine.
(Jake takes out colorfully wrapped present and Amir smiles at him.)
JAKE: You know, and just so you know, the thought of you brainstorming a gift, going out shopping for a gift, buying something and then wrapping it up with this little bow and sneaking it into work and hiding it in my desk...--
AMIR: (laughing) Right, it's great!
JAKE: No, it's not great!
(Amir stops smiling.)
JAKE: It really freaks me out, and I don't think you should do- (takes a Rolex out of the box) and this is a Rolex! It's a Rolex, buddy!
AMIR: You know how you're always like, uhh, "What time is it?" (chuckles)
JAKE: I've never said that to you before.. in my life.
AMIR: Well, it's time for me to get you a new watch.
(Jake studies the watch.)
(Amir makes a strange face.)
AMIR: Fffffuck off for not laughing at that, you DIVA-- you diva little--
JAKE: (while Amir is talking) You're an ass. You're an asshole! I don't want this gift from you!
AMIR: --I'm sorry, you're a cunt!
JAKE: Shut up dude! You just yelled "cunt" in the office.
AMIR: I'm sorry. I'm sorry for that it was obviously a little too much.
JAKE: Alright, you know what? (Jake gets up and walks over to Amir. Amir stands up as well.)
AMIR: You're right, what are we doing? This isn't us! (Chuckles and then goes in for a hug, but Jake pushes him back.) Oh.
JAKE: Don't.. hug me. No, okay? (picking up a folder off Amir's desk) What is this manila folder (looking through the folder) Sketches. Photos. A VENN DIAGRAM. I mean dude, this is psychotic!
AMIR: What's psychotic is you trying to embarrass me for caring about you too much.
JAKE: You wrote a teleplay... A full-on script about how you wanted this moment to play out!
AMIR: And the messed-up thing? I was pretty fricken close.
JAKE: You weren't at all! "Upon seeing the watch he's dreamt of but never described aloud, Jake cries tears of soy."? Is that a typo?
AMIR: (slightly exasperated at how Jake could think that) No. I don't mistype.
JAKE: You wrote my name as "J J K A E" every single time.
AMIR: Poetic license.
JAKE: "He realizes only his soulmate could've seen into his mind's eye and found his dream watch, the same one he never knew he even wanted." (Amir puts his fingers to his temples and then points at Jake, smiling.) "Jake is struck by the awe of this moment." You know.. that's too much scene direction.
AMIR: It's supposed to come through in the performance.
JAKE: Bad writing.
AMIR: Bad writing huh? Nah. (grabs his collar and jerks his hands forward, letting go.)
JAKE: Bad me, I know.
AMIR: ...Bad you!
JAKE: Right, I said that.
AMIR: Try it on! Do me the courtesy!
JAKE: (exasperated) I actually can't try it on, 'cause I don't know how many links you got removed from this thing, but it might as well be a ring.
AMIR: We all know you have notoriously small wrists.
JAKE: Nobody has wrists this small; they'd be dead.
AMIR: Then I can return it
JAKE: You know, I'm not sure you can, 'cause according to your script, you ripped up the receipt in front of the watch salesman. You said "What's your return policy? Because if you think Jake will ever return this, it's a fallacy."
AMIR: Yeah and you know what he did?
JAKE: According to your script he "cried tears of soy."
AMIR: (simultaneously with Jake) CRIED TEARS OF SOY, yeah, exactly right!
JAKE: That's not a real thing. That can't happen.
AMIR: Really? Okay, here we go, 'cause look at this! (Wipes away a soy tear from his eye and shows it to Jake.)
JAKE: Huh!
AMIR: Yeah!
JAKE: Oh my god, HELP US!
AMIR: I'm cryin'!
JAKE: He's crying soy!
AMIR: Tears of soy!
JAKE: Tears of soy!
AMIR: (crying) Oh, I'm beefing! I'm beefing soy!