Amir: Hey, you're not watching Jake and Amir!
Jake: What?
Amir: Reverse psychology.
Jake: It's not.
Amir: It is!
[Jake and Amir approach each other when Amir suddenly throws red liquid onto Jake's sweater.]
Amir: Fur is murder!
Jake: Son of a bitch, I'm not wearing any fur.
Amir: Oh, please...
Jake: You're wearing fur! You're wearing a lot of fur! Fur coat! Fur hat! That's!Yeah, that's a mink scarf! [Amir bobs up and down.] I see it!
Amir: I didn't kill these animals!
Jake: You know, there's also a dead iguana in your pocket. [Camera pans down to pocket iguana, then back to Amir.]
Amir: ...Or am I just happy to see you.
Jake: It's a dead iguana.
Amir: I'm also happy to see you!
Jake: What animals do you think I killed to make this sweater?
Amir: It doesn't matter; you know why? (raises Jakes arm) 'Cause there's blood on your hands!
Jake: (lowers arm) Paint.
Amir: No, that's!that's actually possum blood; I'm sorry.
Jake: Oh my god...
Amir: What, do you want me to pay for the dry cleaning!all right, how much do I owe you? (throws bills) One hundred? Two hundred? Take the frickin' money. Three hundred?
Jake: Stop it! Your wallet is a dead rat!
Amir: Oh! Very clever! Har, har, har!
Jake: I'm not trying to be clever; it looks like you cut open a dead rat. Maybe it was alive when you did it, and then you filled it with bloody money.
Amir: (in a British accent) Bloody money! Bloody money! You're not British, man! [Pause, then Jake pushes Amir.] OH! [Jake grabs Amir.] AH! [Jake pushes Amir away.] UH!
Jake: All right, you know what? I wanna know why you did this; walk me through your logic. Take your time. I will not interrupt you.
Amir: It's actually kinda silly. (laughs) I woke up late!
Jake: You're an asshole.
Amir: Whoa! You said you wouldn't interrupt me!
Jake: You know what I think happened? I think you got into the idea of owning fur after some weird conversation you had with your cousin Leron or some strange show you saw on TV. You became fur-obsessed, going on a morbid spending spree. And when you ran out of acceptable animals to wear on your body, your blood-thirsty raid took you to the deep, dark corners of the animal wear/ware kingdom, like that pocket iguana or your rat wallet. Either way, you reek of mink and rat blood! So go home! (pause)
Amir: Can I talk?
Jake: No.
Amir: Are you done?
Jake: No, you can go home.
Amir: Can I speak now!
Jake: You know, why don't you at least admit that you're hot in that jacket right now?
Amir: I'm boiling. Maybe I can join you in your ivory tower for just a couple minutes, and that'll help me cool off. Or I can hop upon your high horse, and we can go for a ride! You know what? I got this idea from having a conversation with my cousin Leron, not from a "television show," as you astutely observed.
Jake: You know, I also said that. That was my first guess.
Amir: Secondly, yeah! I became fur-obsessed! You know, it's my nature to take things too far; some people love me for that.
Jake: Nobody loves you.. for anything.
Amir: (pretend stabs heart) OH!
Jake: No, that did hurt you; I know it.
Amir: A little bit, yes, because I didn't think you'd get that personal.
Jake: Just move on.
Amir: I became blood-hungry! Sure, who wouldn't? And who wouldn't feel a little bit guilty after strangling a scared iguana? Obviously, animals can't... (laughs) talk! But this little guy was begging me with his eyes for mercy. I don't know if you've ever seen an iguana cry before, but I know for a fact that I have.
Jake: Can you stop talking about strangling the iguana?
Amir: And as for your last point, I think I will go home as this has turned into a public shaming of me! Adieu!
Jake: Are you wearing dead doves on your feet?
Amir: THEY'RE RAVENS.
Jake: They're white.
Amir: THEY'RE... DOVES.
THE END