Amir: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir, and you're beautiful just the way you are.
Jake: That's nice.
Amir: I was talking to you.
Jake: No.
Jake: Morning, man.
Amir: (turns around with a baby in a carrier) WAZZUP!
Jake: No. No, okay?
Amir: Oh yeah!
Jake: Tell you what, dude... Just give me!give me the.. child, and uh... get out of here. Leave.
Amir: This is my baby, Bjorn. In a BabyBjörn. Guess what day he was bjorn (born).
Jake: I don't care what day he was bjorn (born). I care about his family, okay? His mom and dad who miss him, and!
Amir: I'm his daddy now! (to baby) Isn't that right, little pig shit?
Jake: Don't.. do that, man.
Amir: Relax, dude, okay? Come over tonight, hey? We'll rent a movie: The Bjorn (Bourne) Identity, starring Jason Bjorn (Bourne)?
Jake: It's actually starring Matt Damon.
Amir: Oh yeah, the guy from Outbreak, with the airbjorn (airborne) illness.
Jake: You're thinking of Contagion now.
Amir: Guess what my favorite tennis player is.
Jake: Björn Borg.
Amir: Patrick.. Rafter. ...He was a bjorn (born) winner.
Jake: Stop saying "bjorn." You know what? I'm calling the police. I feel like I've been doing this way too much recently.
Amir: You're gonna look like such a fool when they get here.
Jake: (on phone) Doubtful.
[A cop enters near Amir.]
Cop: There he is.
Jake: (lowers phone) Wow, they didn't even need to pick up. Sir, I can and will testify against this.. criminal.
Cop: Let me see those hands.
Jake: You heard the man.
Cop: So I can shake them.
Jake: What?
Cop: Permission to congratulate the hero that saved my son's life.
Amir: (pause, inhales) Denied.
Cop: (nods) Understood.
Jake: What's going on right now?
Cop: I was walking my child to daycare when I heard gunfire. A lot of people were dying, and I froze. But this brave, brave man stepped forward and took my son off my hands so I could apprehend a murderer.
Jake: You sure he didn't just take advantage of the situation in order to steal your baby?
Cop: WOW. Permission to kick this man's ass, sir.
Amir: Denied. Denied.
Jake: I just got this text message from him five minutes ago. "Hey dude, jacked a baby on the way to work. This is gonna be hilarious. From a cop, no less. A little piggy."
Cop: Let me see that.
Jake: Sure thing. Yeah, you know what, in fact, anything I can do to help. I always wanted to be a police officer myself, and uh, I guess this makes it official!Hey! Come on... [The cop crushes Jake's phone.] God...
Cop: (hands remains to Jake) Now it doesn't say anything.
Jake: Holy crap, that was so!that was, like, insanely easy for you, huh? You are strong as shit. This is like!that's a 4 so that's a heavier phone, there's a steel band, I mean!holy wow, that is...
Cop: Permission to hug my son again, sir. Permission to squeeze his rosy cheeks.
Amir: Oh! You wanna.. squeeze these cheeks, huh? These, uh!this cute little face, this chunky munchkin little grapefruit guy, huh? You wanna squeeze this little squeezeball? (laughs)
Cop: Yes, very much so.
Amir: Denied.
Cop: You are the boss of me. (salutes) [The baby makes a "goo" sound as Amir squeezes his cheeks.]
Jake: Dude... go take your son back. [The cop puts Jake in an armlock.] HEY! OW! AH!
Cop: Permission to break this perp's arm, sir!
Jake: (in pain) I'm not a perp! Deny him! Deny him!
Amir: (moving baby's mouth to match his words) ...Granted.
Jake: NO...!
Cop: NYAHHH!!! (breaks Jake's arm)
Jake: AHHH!!!
THE END