Jake and Amir: Movie Date 2 (with Ben Schwartz and Thomas Middleditch)
[INTRO]:
PENIS: And now... The thrilling conclusion-
BEN: I started a fire we all have to go!
(Everyone yells)
[VIDEO]:
(JAKE, JULIA and AMIR are sitting in the theatre)
BEN: We present to you:
BEN and PENIS: Silver Linings Gaybook.
BEN: Starring:
BEN and PENIS: Bradley Pooper and one Penis Scarlett Johansson Anal.
[TITLE]: 'Three-and-a-Half Hours Later...'
(JULIA and AMIR are clapping enthusiastically while JAKE has his head in his hands)
BEN (Singing): Ooh, bravissimo! (Speaking) What a fantastic, wonderful movie, if you're looking for your socks they're right over there, they got blown right off ladies and gentlemen! This is time for the question and answers portion, you ask a question, and this man right here (pointing to PENIS) will answer it. (To PENIS) And your name has changed?
PENIS: Yes, yes.
BEN: OK, Of course, of course.
PENIS: I have changed my name yet again to something that can't possibly be made fun of. My new name- is Robert Cut Off My Own Penis Fatty-fatty Nana Smoke A Bowl Full Of Sour Cream Vege Burrito Penis. (To AMIR) Good luck making fun of that, Asnir.
AMIR: Look's like ya stumped me. Bobby.
PENIS (Annoyed): Oooh! Curse you...
BEN: Well done.
JAKE: What the fuck did I just watch?
BEN: Ooh, good question, he asked: "What the fuck did I just watch".
PENIS: Hold on, you don't know?
BEN: Oh no.
PENIS: You there in the middle, the blue, you don't know?
BEN: Blue.
PENIS: Well if you don't know,you didn't watch, and if you didn't watch we all gotta watch it again.
JAKE: No...
BEN: Let's go Samuel!
(Simultaneously)
JAKE: No, no, no, no!
[TITLE]: 'Four Hours Later...'
(Everyone is clapping except for JAKE, who again has his head in his hands. BEN is singing)
BEN (To PENIS): How did you do it my friend, it seems like that was thirty minutes longer.
PENIS: It was
BEN: I have a question if you don't mind. (To audience) You guys mind? Don't care what you say. My question is: what were your motives? Why did you choose to do this as a movie?
PENIS: Yes, well when I first conceived of the plot and the story I was in a cave in Siberia.
(PENIS continues to talk while BEN climbs over the front row of seats onto JULIA)
BEN: S'cuse me
JULIA: Oh my god!
JAKE (Holding off BEN): Whoah.
BEN: S'cuse me I'm getting my seat.
JULIA: Jake! His-
BEN: I'm getting my seat-
JULIA: -dick is in my face!
JAKE: Get away!
BEN: I'm getting my seat. (To JULIA) Maam, what's your name?
JULIA: Julia.
BEN: Franklin, let me ask you this-
JAKE: Wrong.
BEN: Do you wanna get with a hero, a zero, or a gero. (Holding up a burrito)
JULIA: Oh my god...
JAKE: No it's prounounced 'hero' still.
BEN: Um...
JULIA: Whoah, what is that?
BEN: This one is made of lamb (pronouncing the 'b') but the B is silent.
JAKE: That B wasn't silent-
BEN: Aah! The beginning one was, Jake! Blamb? (Pronouncing both Bs) Maybe you've heard of it?
JAKE: Actually I haven't!
(BEN leans over to JAKEs crotch with the burrito yelling loudly, JAKE pushes him away)
JAKE: Hey! No!
BEN: Just kidding, (singing) it's a joke, it's a joke...
BEN: ...it's a joke, it's a joke.
(Simultaneously)
JAKE: Not funny.
BEN (To PENIS): You were saying when you were- had to- eat.
(BEN moves over to PENIS again, who is still talking, oblivious to what has been going on)
BEN: (Clapping) Good! Good, good, good, good, good, good. UN-believable.
PENIS: Yeah.
BEN: Do you mind if I ask you another follow up question?
PENIS: Yeah.
BEN: Fantastic, do you have any ideas for maybe, I don't know- a sequel?
PENIS: Mmmm, I've got ideas for a squeak-quel.
BEN: Tell me.
PENIS: Well this time around I don't want any studio muckin' it up with all its bullshit, grass-roots, guerilla-style film making...
(BEN moves back over to the audience, climbing over JULIA)
JAKE: Get your head out of there!
BEN: Excuse me!
JULIA: Why is he trying to put his face in your crotch?
JAKE: I don't know-
BEN (Sitting on top of JULIA's armrest, to JULIA): Hey, Deborah, I've got a question...
JULIA: Hey!
BEN: Did your head hurt?
JULIA: No, it doesn't hurt.
BEN: Did your head hurt when you rose from hell and you hit your head on the ceiling, you- devil angel.
JULIA: What? Are you trying to pick me up?
BEN: I don't know
(Simultaneously)
JAKE: Bad line.
BEN: Are you trying to pick me up? It seems like you are! If it's not me then who? Who do you love?
(JAKE is pointing to himself)
JULIA: (Sighs) I actually have a really big crush on... Amir.
(PENIS is sitting where AMIR was sitting)
JAKE (To PENIS): Jesus Christ dude, if you're here then who's doing the Q and A?
(AMIR is now sitting in PENIS's old seat.)
AMIR: I shouldn't- BUT I DID!
JAKE (To PENIS): This is your movie, you should be up there right?
PENIS: Will you be quiet? I'm trying to listen to the Q and A. But I already got what I came here for. (To JULIA) Amir you say? Hmmm. Very interesting. (He gets out of his seat)
AMIR (Loudly): ...and that's what I call...
AMIR and PENIS: ...an ice cream social!
(BEN walks over, AMIR gets back up and returns to his seat)
BEN (Clapping): Unbelievable! Fantastic job. Now, does anybody else have any other questions?
PENIS: I have a question.
BEN (Shocked): What?
PENIS: Yeah, brother. (Shaking hands with BEN) It's for the lady. (To JULIA) Julie, will you marry me? (He pulls out a ring) Knowing full well that you will be used in the ongoing chess match that is the life between Amir and myself. (Quietly) You the pawn and me the queen.
JULIA (Without hesitation): Yes. Yes, yes I will!
PENIS (Giving JULIA the ring): Then you are my wife! Welcome to Hollywood, kid, you got moxie and I like it.
JAKE: I don't think that's official, you need a priest or something.
(BEN appears, wearing a priest costume)
BEN: I am a priest! Congratulations, you have been wedding-ed (pronouncing an H before W)
JULIA (To PENIS): I'm gonna give you so many babies.
PENIS: I'm gonna hit it. And everytime I hit it, I'm gonna think of Amir.
JAKE: No, I don't think that's the insult you want it to mean-
AMIR: Yes! It is.
(PENIS laughs)
BEN: I now pronounce you: man and wife (Pronouncing an H before W)
(PENIS and JULIA hold hands)
JAKE: Still not official-
BEN (Singing, throwing cinema snacks over everyone): Celebration!
(Simultaneously)
JAKE: Stop! Stop!