INTRO
AMIR: Hey, you're watching a cool dude and a loser Jew with glasses.
JAKE: Oh my God.
AMIR: No, it's obvious.
[Jake, Streeter, and Amir are sitting at a table, eating lunch and having a conversation.]
JAKE: No, no no--
[Streeter is laughing.]
JAKE: --if I'm gonna fuck a dude, I want it to be, like, a really, really tiny dude-- basically like a woman in the dark, you know? With a really tiny little dick, just like double-crankin' it, [pantomimes giving a handjob with both hands] get him-- get him off, right away--
STREETER: [laughing, copying Jake's hand motion] Doub-- how're you gonna double-crank a small dick-- [trails off into laughter]
JAKE: Like-- like this! [makes the same motion but with his thumbs and forefingers, as if unscrewing a small screw. Streeter continues laughing.] Just double-crankin' it, and then it's done!
STREETER: [laughing] Y-- the little hairless-- little, [making a rough hourglass-figure motion with his hands] the little--
JAKE: Yeah. That's--
STREETER: --but see, I want... I want the other way-- I want a big, like, bear of a man, you know what I mean? Like a giant--
JAKE: L-- you mean like you! You want yourself!
STREETER: --No, I don't want myself! Dude, a bit--
JAKE: Yes, a bear would fuckin' love to fuck you.
STREETER: I know they would! But I'm talking even bigger! Like, I'm talking, like, a linebacker, you know?
JAKE: Ohh. Oh, that's nice--
STREETER: Yeah.
JAKE: --Yeah, yeah. I want a kicker.
AMIR: [speaking a bit too loudly] I don't care if he's big or small, as long as his dick is warm and he fills me up... with that boiling hot spum.
[The conversation goes dead. Amir goes to take a sip of his apple juice, but notices the intensely awkward silence and makes a face defensively. Jake and Streeter avert their eyes from Amir and each other.]
AMIR: [now speaking very quietly, almost under his breath] How is that any... different...
[Streeter stares down at the table in silence. Jake quietly spits out the food he was chewing onto the plate in disgust. Amir scoffs.]
AMIR: [still quietly] Oh my God...
[Jake stares daggers at Amir. Streeter puts down the sandwich he had been eating for lunch. He folds his glasses up and buries his head in his hands.]
AMIR: ...Yeah? You can't--
[Streeter shakes his head. Amir scoffs again.]
AMIR: [quietly] ...What?
[Amir makes a gun shape with his hand, points it at his head, and pantomimes shooting himself. Jake nods and mouths "do it". Amir looks dejected, and halfheartedly attempts to chuckle. Streeter is still sitting in silence, and Jake pats Streeter's shoulder to console him. Amir attempts to do the same, but Streeter swats his hand away and then gets up and leaves. Amir and Jake are left at the table together.]
AMIR: [quietly] You think that's... appropriate?
JAKE: "Boiling hot spum"?
END