INTRO:
JAKE: Hey you're watching Jake and Amir
AMIR: And you're botching Jake and Amir
JAKE: What?
AMIR: I don't know...
[Jake is sitting on the couch. Amir slides in to sit next to him at an impossible speed, and is wearing the shirt with the bloody shoulder from Zombie. He is holding a pen and a pad of sticky notes.]
AMIR: As you probably already know, my great-uncle Gryan donated $100,000 dollars to me to start a business.
JAKE: I actually didn't know that, ok DON'T start a business; let's talk, we can invest the money.
AMIR: I already invested the money, ok? I bought 10,000 stars and named them after you, so first of all, you're welcome, second of all, let's think of business ideas so that I can get my money back.
JAKE: Alright I'm actually no longer interested, thank you--
AMIR: Ok, well scht- let me rattle off some of these ideas, and then you can tell me if they have legit potential or not. Number 1:--
JAKE: Before you get started, no ideas that have anything to do with stars.
AMIR: Okay, number 4. Oh actually, number 10 then.
AMIR: So you know to pop a zit on your back you need like a really long staw (makes a straw slurping noise), and some elbow grease.
JAKE: No..
AMIR: You know how everybody and their widow is just aching to have a song written about them?
JAKE: You mean dead people?
AMIR: Yeah, well dead people have money, too.
JAKE: They actually don't.
AMIR: Do th- Oh my God, ok, so all these ideas are then a no-go..
JAKE: Yeah, look at that, you just drew a picture of a cemetery with dollar signs all over it.
AMIR: Yeah I thought it was a graveyard of money.
AMIR: So you know about Caps Lock, right?
JAKE: Yes.
AMIR: Ok, well this is Caps UNlock; yeah I'll give you all your lowercase letters, for a fee! Hehehe it's brilliant, are you kidding me it's genius!--
JAKE: Ok you just hit Caps Lock again and it all goes back to lowercase.
AMIR: You gotta be shitting me with that!
[Amir is making a silly face (hereafter dubbed his listening face)]
JAKE: You know you don't have to make that face when you listen to people.
AMIR: Well it just helps!
AMIR: Alright what's the worst part about aprons, on three, ready? One, two, three, they're too grey--
JAKE: Nothing.
AMIR: --Right, ok, nevermind.
AMIR: Alright let's say I know how to knit a sweater and you know how to speak German, so let's teach each other, let's trade our skill-sets and become more talented people.
JAKE: That's not a bad business idea.
AMIR: Well, wait 'til you hear the name of the business - Tick Dicklers
JAKE: Alright, I'm gonna pass because I assume the name is--
AMIR: Non-negotiable, that's correct.
AMIR: You know the hardest part about making toast is beating up and stealing bread from a baker.
JAKE: What?..
AMIR: WELL, ok let me finish, my business will loot that bakery and steal the bread for you.
JAKE: Ok it sounds illegal.
AMIR: Well I looked into it, ok? And it is, you're right, it is; how did you know that?
AMIR: (frustrated) AAGH I can't stand it anymore, you're so negative all the time! Stop saying no no no no no no no, think!
AMIR: (singing) It's nineteen dollars for a single one, so eat it bitches, cuz boy that's fun, I ca--
JAKE: Alright, you can't cuss in jingles.--
AMIR: Bitches is not a cuss, alright, but noted, cuz this thing does get very racy very soon--
JAKE: (reading Amir's sticky notes) Whoa, yeah!
JAKE: (reading Amir's sticky notes as he flips through them) Oh wow, more tombstones with dollar signs on 'em.
AMIR: Yea.
AMIR: (rapping) Oh sheesh y'all, it's a cream! It's a motherfuckin' icy dream, w-
JAKE: Alright what did I just say about cussing?
AMIR: Right, right, sorry.
AMIR: AAGH! That's it. One last.. little one.. gimme one more... IHATEYOU!
AMIR: (singing) It's a frigid sting that you can't stand, it's a frozen treat inside your hands--
JAKE: So it sounds like you know this is a bad idea.
AMIR: (frustrated) Yes, I do!
AMIR: (singing) It's a Popsicle, without the stick, it's melting MELTING, eat it quick, it's a frozen treat that you must hold, you--
JAKE: Right, I just think this--
AMIR: Are you interrupting because you think I'm close to done? Cuz I'm not even at the frickin' VERSE yet, man.
JAKE: Then what are you singing right now--
AMIR: Pre-chorus!
END.