Amir: Hey you ain't watching squat.
Jake: You're actually watching Jake and Amir.
Amir: Bitches.
Amir: Jake, can you come into the... Ricky office?
Jake: No.
Amir: I mean...
Amir: Hey bud, uh, you don't have to go into Ricky's office anymore. I changed my mind.
Jake: I know.
Amir: Unless you want your headphones back.
Jake: Ow! Come on.
Amir: Aye.
Amir: Uh, this is gonna be...
Jake: What?
Amir: ...good
Therapist: Jake, you want to take a seat?
Jake: Not really.
Amir: Please.
Therapist: Maybe take a seat.
Amir: On my lap, or...
Jake: On your lap?
Amir: Or.
Jake: You look familiar.
Therapist: Do I?
Amir: No, he doesn't.
Jake: Yes, he does. You were Amir's dating coach. You tried to steal money from him as a dating coach.
Therapist: So, I am... So, I brought you in here because I am a couples therapist.
Amir: Well, not a couple therapist. You're one ther...
Therapist: I didn't say couple.
Amir: ( laughs ridicously like a seal)
Therapist: Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.
Jake: What the f...
Therapist: Are you eating things as a seagull?
Amir: I'm witty.
Therapist: What's your favorite food on three. One. Two. Three.
Jake: Salad.
Amir: Four, five, six.
Jake: Salad.
Amir: That's not even a food.
Jake: Wow. Neither is four, five, six really if you think about it. Right?
Therapist: Jake, Amir brought me in here because he said you guys are best friends but...
Jake: Wrong.
Therapist: ...you're just, well, let's keep it just at the facts. You're not giving enough in this best friend relationship.
Amir: Ok? Can you, right? Meet me in the middle?
Therapist: I know the that song.
Amir: singing Meet me in the middle.
Therapist: Singing Meet me at the cross roads. You know I miss my uncle Charles.
Jake: You're singing differenet songs, different songs. You're singing crossroads.
Therapist: Let's calm down, let's calm down, let's calm down.
Therapist: Now, do you see? If you guys communicate, you can get much more work done.
Jake: Amir never brings a computer to work.
Therapist: What? You're saying he never brings a computer to work?
Jake: Never.
Amir: Everyday
Therapist: What are you talking about, everyday? Don't you work at a website?
Jake: Yeah.
Amir: I think so.
(Amir begins to mime typing on a keyboard)
Therapist: What is that?
Amir: I have a keyboard.
Therapist: What do you plug that into? You need a computer to plug that into. That's fine. Listen to me, ok? It doesn't matter because today, big Am here did us a
favor...
Amir: No.
Therapist:...and bought you a copy, I got this. And bought you a copy of your favorite movie on DVD with the twenty dollars I gave him.
Amir: No I didn't. I forgot.
Jake: What's my favorite movie?
Amir: Pride and Prejudice.
Jake: I didn't know that was a movie.
Amir: I didn't know Tower Records was closed.
Therapist: If Tower Records is closed, you go across the street to The Wiz.
Amir: ...The Wiz, I know. And I kid, it wasn't there either.
Therapist: Ok, when you talk it's like little people throwing up in my head. I'm gonna end this session the way that I end every single session. Both you guys just get
up, ok? Look at each other in the eyes, and just say the thing you've always wanted to say but never could.
Amir: I love you.
Jake: If you want to be friends with me, just give me some space. Don't annoy me by pullig me into...
Therapist: Jake, just leave. You're right.
Jake: Thank you.
Jake: Get off me, goddammit, man.
Amir: Big break through, right?
Therapist: It's not a big break through.
Amir: Big break through.
(Amir motor boats Jake)
Therapist: Don't motor boat him.
Jake: Ew, ew, ew.
Therapist: Don't
Jake: You just bit me.