INTRO:
AMIR: (to the tune of Do Re Mi Fa) Doe, Amir, a female mir
JAKE: (with little passion) Ray, a drop of golden--
AMIR: (crying) You said you would at least try!
[Jake is using his computer in the conference room.]
(Amir enters and sticks his head to Jake's)
AMIR: AAAH! Hah, head magnets! Hah. Ah, I was just thinking about our camping trip.
JAKE: Still?
AMIR: It was.. insane.
JAKE: Yes. You were insane.
AMIR: I just lost myself in the wilderness, you know?
JAKE: And I found you, with the park ranger, three days later, unconscious in a stream.
AMIR: (yelling) Ok I was THIRSTY!
AMIR: What are you working on?
JAKE: It's that program I told you about, the Big Brother program. You know it's a good cause, you should sign up.
AMIR: It sounds amazing, I just- I just don't know...
JAKE: If you have the time?
AMIR: No I just don't know.. what it is.
JAKE: You sign up and they pair you with a kid.
AMIR: Can I choose who I get?
JAKE: No.
AMIR: Well I just don't want a stupid one.
JAKE: I already said no.
AMIR: What if I get one, and it can't talk?
JAKE: Please don't call them it.
AMIR: How are you gonna have time to do this with our daily summer barbecue and Yu-Gi-Oh! sessions coming up?--
JAKE: Daily what sessions?
AMIR: What?
AMIR: Oh, maybe I can be your little brother.
AMIR: I'm gonna teach my little bro everything my old man never taught me.
JAKE: Cool.
AMIR: Like how to-- Oh, like how to fill up gas, or how to swing on a swing, or swing a bat, or how to brush.. hair OR teeth--
AMIR: Who do I have to cuss out to get two little brothers, you know?--
JAKE: That wouldn't work.
AMIR: (continuing his list) ...how to impress others, how other can impress you, magic... the Gathering, and just regular magic...
AMIR: (staring seriously at Jake) I'm gonna use the C word.
AMIR: (continuing his list) ...or how to laugh, or how to chew, how to wipe...
JAKE: (wincing out of disgust) You don't have to teach them how to wipe, alright, I think they're like thirteen.
AMIR: Huh ok you're right, too soon, don't force it, UNLESS--
JAKE: N-no forcing.. anything!
AMIR: If I have to pay even one cent to this program then I don't wanna do it, you know?
JAKE: You don't have to pay anything, but that's a terrible attitude anyway.
AMIR: (loudly) Not one...... nickel. (winces in hope of being right)
JAKE: Penny.
AMIR: (yelling) FU--
AMIR: (rapping) Alright let's say day one doesn't go according to plan, so I plan to ditch this little bugger, is that kosh?
JAKE: (imitating Amir's tone) Oh, lemme put in your language: no boy, it ain't kosh!
AMIR: (rapping) Yo, that ain't enough from discouraging me from signing up, messin' up his little life--
JAKE: (loudly) Well it SHOULD.
AMIR: Oh my gosh, look at us. (laughing) We're in the prime of our youth, and we're talking about helping out little kids! We should be getting laid!
(Jake gets up and leaves.)
AMIR: Where are you going? Are you going to get laid? Get me one!
END.