(Amir is wearing a suit and tie.)
AMIR: Heh...what?
(Silence. Jake doesn't react.)
JAKE: Come on, you know I always wear a tie on my birthday.
AMIR: Is your internet down?
AMIR: No...it's never down, it's never down on my birthday.
JAKE: Mine's down.
AMIR: Why? Why do you care if it's down? Are you planning anything??
(Silence)
AMIR: Hah..You better not be planning me a surprise party, dude.
JAKE: I would never plan you a surprise party.
AMIR: Alright, if you're planning one then... (hands something to Jake)
JAKE: What's this?
AMIR: Just, an invitation or whatever.
(Jake holds up the invitation. It has the words It's my B-DAIE!!? The letter B has an extra hump in it.)
JAKE: Party goes until question mark question mark.
AMIR: So you know it's phat. You don't know when it ends.
JAKE: Also ends at question mark question mark
AMIR: Double phat. Nobody knows when it starts, nobody knows when it ends.
JAKE: Nobody gives a shit. (rips up invite)
AMIR: Ahhhhh, c'mon, just give it to me, I'll invite someone.
JAKE: You want it? Here you go. (Jake throws the pieces on Amir's desk)
AMIR: You know, I can tape that back together.
JAKE: Don't fucking bother.
AMIR: I brought a cake. Maybe we can put candles in it.
JAKE: It's after 6. Why don't you just go home?
AMIR: Okay.
JAKE: Final-finally, Jesus!
AMIR: (Amir tries to hug Jake one-armed while holding the cake in his other hand and smiling)
JAKE: (Shrugging him off) What are you doing?!
(Winter by Joshua Radin plays over montage)
(Amir walks away from Jake.)
(Amir is in the elevator with the cake. The elevator door closes.)
(Amir is walking on a city street and throws away the cake in a garbage can.)
(Amir enters a Walgreens.)
(Amir sadly picks up some birthday candles.)
(Amir walks on a city street, stops, and looks up at a building. It's McDonald's.)
(Amir in the McDonald's trying to find money in his wallet.)
(Amir sitting on a city street, opening up a box of McNuggets, a lighter in his hand.)
(Amir tries to light birthday candles on 3 McNuggets. The lighter won't light, and Amir hangs his head in sadness.)
(Amir reminisces from the Tattoo episode.)
(The empty McDonald's bag leaves Amir as he unsuccessfully grabs for it. The bag goes all the way down the street and turns right. Through tears, he eats a McNugget.)
(Amir reminisces from the episode High Five.)
(Amir has his hand over his mouth. He's crying.)
(Amir reminisces from earlier this episode when he momentarily had his arm around Jake with a smile on his face and the cake in his other hand.)
(Amir enters his apartment building.)
(Amir walks down his hallway.)
(Amir leans against the wall opposite his door and falls to the ground.)
(Amir opens his door.)
(The music ends as the screen goes black. The lights come on and Amir's apartment is full of people.)
EVERYBODY: Surprise!!!!
AMIR: (to Everybody) No, no, stop, you guys don't know the half of it. This guy's a fucking idiot. Jake, did I say, because this guy, all day long, he was like, there's not gonna be a surprise party. Uh, nobody gives a shit about you. One, two, three, about forty people here to prove me right.
JAKE: I organized this.
AMIR: (to Jake) You organized this, that's what I'm talking about, man, thank you very much, why are we even arguing, it's my birthday? Who are these people, though.
JAKE: Uh, some people you work with. Do you know them- do you know people at work?
AMIR: I know there's a fat guy, or something.
JAKE: Okay, just try to be polite and have a drink. Ok?
AMIR: Okay.
JAKE: Get to work.
CUT TO:
GUY #1: Which one's Amir?
GUY #2: It's that weird guy that always hang out with Jake.
JAKE: (as he walks by) We actually never hang out.
(Jake walks over to Amir and a girl.)
(In a high-pitched voice, but not THE high-pitched voice) What's up, brotha?
(Jake and Amir high-five. Amir then lightly slaps Jake.)
AMIR: One two punch.
JAKE: I see you met my cousin, Diana?
AMIR: Yes, I did.
JAKE: That's great.
AMIR: (to Jake) Does she have a fiancee?
JAKE: No, chill.
(Amir lightly slaps Jake.)
AMIR: (to Diana) Dinner tonight?
JAKE: It's 11:30.
DIANA: He was joking.
JAKE: He wasn't, you don't understand.
DIANA: No, thanks...but I'm free tomorrow night.
(Amir starts dancing weird.)
JAKE: She can see you.
AMIR: I know...stretching. (Amir starts stretching.)
JAKE: Just be cool. Maybe, take a seat.
(Amir falls to the floor and lands in a sexy pose.)
JAKE: I'm leaving.
AMIR: Jake.
(Jake walks away into the kitchen. The camera lands on Streeter and a girl.)
GIRL: Wait...isn't Amir the guy that pranked you at Yankee Stadium.
(Streeter looks back at Amir on the floor.)
STREETER: .........nah, it's a different Amir.
GIRL: Oh.
(Don't Pull Your Love Out On Me Baby by Hamilton, Joe Frank Reynolds plays over slideshow)
(Slideshow)
(Someone's holding a cake with a bunch of candles in it. Amir is holding one hand over his mouth like he's overcome with emotion.)
(Jake looking down on the cake with his arm possibly around Amir's shoulders. Amir about to blow out the candles.)
(Jake with his around his cousin, Diana. Amir behind and in between them with his chin on Jake's shoulder and his hand on Diana's head. Diana is facing forward but her eyes are turned towards Amir.)
(Jake and Amir. Amir has his hand around Jake's shoulder. Jake is not smiling. Amir is laughing in hysterics.)
(screen goes to black.)
OUTTAKE:
Hey, dude.
(In a high-pitched voice, but not THE high-pitched voice) What's up, brotha?
(Jake and Amir high-five. Amir then lightly slaps Jake.)
One two punch.
I see you met my cousin, Diana?
Yes, I did. (to Jake) Does she have a fiancee?
No, but chill okay.
Done.
(Amir more-than-lightly slaps Jake. Jake loses it and laughs. Other people in the room laugh.)