INTRO- AMIR: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir.
DOOBS: And Penis.
BEN: I'm a guy you've never met before with a new job. We-ho!
INT: Movie Theater
JULIA: Thanks for coming. Nobody wants to see indie movies anymore.
JAKE: Yeah, right man. I love indie movies. Like, um...there's this one called Momento. That I really dug. It was like...Everybody says it's backwards, but personally, I liked it.
(Amir enters)
AMIR: Hi. Sorry. Sorry. (Laugh)
JAKE: I'm on a date.
AMIR: Double date.
JAKE: How on Earth is this a double date? You didn't bring anyone.
AMIR: I thought you said you, were going to split this chick in half?
JULIA: Jake!
JAKE: I didn't say-
(Enter Usher singing)
USHER: (Singing) Let's all go to the movies. Let's all go to the movies. Let's all go to the movies, and get our selves a-
(Throw candy at Jake's head)
JAKE: OW!
USHER: Snack is the word, not ouch. Ladies and gentlemen, I am a man you've never seen before with a very ordinary name and a very regular occupation. I'm obviously, I am a, um...(point to Amir)
AMIR: Usher!
USHER: Usher! Not this Usher. (Singing) You don't want to see me dance, all the time. (Talking) I don't his song. I don't know him. But a different usher. I usher in men and women towards the bathrooms.
JAKE: (Overlapping Usher's last line) Will you stop. We know you.
USHER: You've never met me before in your entire life.
JAKE: Yes I have! You always make up some weird name.
USHER: Jake, you're being insane.
JAKE: You know MY name.
USHER: Yeah because maybe I have sucked on that- I don't know you. What I can tell you is I have a very ordinary name much like everybody else in the world.
JAKE: What is it?
USHER: You want to know my name?
JAKE: Yep.
USHER: Right now?
JAKE: Yes.
USHER: (Elongating every word) Sue-lue Candles.
JAKE: Sue-Lue Candles?
USHER: Who woulda thunk it?
JAKE: That's not a normal name at all.
USHER: Here we go! Ladies and gentlemen, today what we have for you is something very unique, very special. We have an independent movie and in the audience, we have the director, the writer, it's producer (pronounced pra-doucer), and it's co-star. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the sensational mister-
(Doobs appears behind seats)
DOOBS: Penis Scarlett Johansson Anal. Good luck making fun of that, A-squirdge.
AMIR: No!
DOOBS: Yes!
AMIR: Sorry, Scar-Jo.
DOOBS:Curse you!
JAKE: Scar-Jo's not bad! You know, if you took out Scarlett Johansson your name is just Penis Anal.
DOOBS:Oh! I would love to be just Penis Anal.
AMIR: And I'd love to take out Scarlett Johansson.
DOOBS:I hope there is a bowl filled to the brim with eggs all over your stupid face. I offered you this part of the lead 10 years ago and you turned it down.
AMIR: The script was poor.
DOOBS: Well now I'm filthy, stinkin' rich when this things gets released to the public. And I hope it bites you on your filthy, little ass. Just like your father did to me with his tiny, spindly, little legs.
JAKE: Your dad bit him on the ass with his legs?
USHER: Jakey, jakey eggs and stupid! No, no, no. Just because those lips are super good at (mimic eating a dick) munching down on some d, doesn't mean they can ask questions. There will be a Question and Answer at the end. No more questions. Ever again. I have a question.
DOOBS: Yes, you. The bell hop.
USHER: How thin are Amir's father's legs?
DOOBS: Nightmare-ishly thin. 3 centimeters in diameter. No bones, just blood and skin. He wrapped them around my waist like a limp garden hose and no matter how hard I struggled to get free, he'd put them tighter and tighter like a boa constrictor. Or worse still, a garden snake! You know, I still have dreams about them.
AMIR: Nightmares?
DOOBS: No, A-smears, dreams.
USHER: Would you like a snack?
DOOBS: I'd love one.
USHER: Up.
DOOBS: Alley-oop
(Candy hits Jake in the face again)
JAKE: Ow.
USHER: Ladies and gentlemen, to the 3 people in the audience and the dozens and dozens of people who refused to show up-
DOOBS: Sold out!
USHER: We present to you a movie that will rock the mushroom off your dick!
DOOBS: And the shaft!
USHER: And the veins!
DOOBS: And the sack!
USHER: And the balls!
DOOBS: And the pussies.
USHER: We present to you,
USHER and DOOBS: Silver Linings Gay-book
USHER: Starring
USHER and DOOBS: Bradley Pooper
USHER: And one
USHER and DOOBS: Penis Scarlett Johansson Anal. (Singing) Let's go out to the movies. Let's go out to the movies. (Usher and Doobs exit)
THE END