INTRO
JAKE: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir. This one's for all the pretty girls out there.
AMIR: Creep.
JAKE: What?
(Jake and Amir are at a bar for the entire episode)
AMIR: Feels kinda weird.
JAKE: Don't worry about it, man. Hooking up with babes is like second nature to me.
AMIR: I know, I just, I haven't kissed anybody since you killed my girlfriend.
JAKE: Drop it, okay? You can't poison tonight with your negative energy.
JAKE: (to GIRL #1) You know, I always said a woman's place was in the kitchen...as the head chef...at a 5-star restaurant.
GIRL #1: Idiot. (walks away)
AMIR: (to GIRL #1 as she walks away) You heard him! Get back in the kitchen, ya idiot!
JAKE: No, no
AMIR: (to GIRL #2) Hey girl, are you Enterprise? Cuz I'll pick you up.
(GIRL #2 laughs)
(Amir tries to pick her up from her legs and she screams and falls back and hits the ground. She starts moaning.)
AMIR: More like Hertz, I guess.
JAKE: Call an ambulance.
AMIR: I will!
JAKE: (Talking about a girl off-screen to his right) Hey dude, 3 o'clock.
AMIR: Oh yeah? am or pm?
JAKE: Doesn't matter.
AMIR: Well, analog or digital? Cuz I can't read analog.
JAKE: You know, then it really doesn't matter.
AMIR: Well, is it the hour hand or the minute hand?
JAKE: Just, forget it.
AMIR: Very cool!
JAKE: It's to the right.
(Amir turns left)
JAKE: Other right.
(Amir turns left again)
JAKE: Wow!
(Amir keeps turning until he faces the direction the girl off-screen was in)
AMIR: Oh. She is hot.
JAKE: She's gone.
AMIR: Ooh yeah, she is...gone!
JAKE: Leave the bar, buddy.
AMIR: Absolutely.
(Amir starts walking)
JAKE: Door's the other way.
(Amir turns around and starts walking)
AMIR: OHMYGOD I'm an idiot!
(GIRL #1 that Amir made fall is on the bar.)
BARTENDER: (on the phone) She's not conscious but she's breathing, yeah.
AMIR: (Yelling to people off-screen and pointing to the unconscious girl) Hey, body shots!
AMIR: (to GIRL # 3) Excuse me, are you a Capital One card? Cuz, what's in YOUR wallet?
(GIRL #3 walks away, disgusted)
JAKE: Nice.
AMIR: She must not watch commercials. That's not on me. It's a product of the DVR culture that we live in!
JAKE: (to GIRL #4) Hey...I made a bet with my friend here.
GIRL #4: What's the bet?
AMIR: Fuck if I know.
JAKE: He bet me I couldn't talk to the prettiest girl here -
AMIR: Oh, I most certainly did not, I do not wager.
JAKE: shhh - and get her number.
AMIR: Bull shite!
GIRL #4: I'm gonna go.
(GIRL #4 walks away)
AMIR: (to GIRL #4 as she walks away) Please do! This entire conversation is based on a false premise! (to Jake) Woah...swing and a diss. Heh heh. Was that wager for real, though? Cuz if so, you owe me a G.
AMIR: (to GIRL #5) Girl, are you a Volkswagon? Cuz, drivers wanted!
(GIRL #5 walks away)
AMIR: (to GIRL #5 as she walks away) Wow...another DVR girl...(shouting after girl) you can't fast forward through life!
(GIRL #6 is the same girl that Jake hit on in line in the episode Club)
GIRL #6: So...I will make out with you.
JAKE: Awesome.
GIRL #6: Keep in mind, I will not like it!
JAKE: Fine. Fine.
GIRL #6: AND you have to put your wallet in this jar of pickles.
JAKE: Oh wow, I'll just cancel my credit cards. Bet you didn't think of that, dumb ass.
(Jake puts his wallet in the jar of pickles)
GIRL #6: AND your Iphone.
JAKE: Whew...you know what, that's almost a deal-breaker. Oh, wait, no it's not!
(Jake dips the Iphone in the jar of pickles)
GIRL #6: Submerge it.
JAKE: Submerge it for second base.
GIRL #6: Okay, submerge it, and I'll let you kiss my hand.
(Jake lets the Iphone fall, and kisses Girl #6's hand)
JAKE: Worth it!
(Jake high-fives Amir and laughs a little)
JAKE: I hooked up! I hooked up!
JAKE: Barkeep, come on, I need a bag of rice, stat! I have to get my phone in rice in the next two minutes or she's a goner. I know, cuz I've lost 6 other Iphones to that cruel mistress.
(to GIRL #7)
JAKE: Hey, if you think this is sad, you should read my diary. Every single day reads like a fucking suicide note.
GIRL #7: Me too.
JAKE: Yeeesh. Hey, I'm engaged, sweetheart.
AMIR: (to GIRL #8 and GIRL #9) Hey, who do you ladies think is better looking? Me, or my boy over here.
JAKE: No, sorry, you know what? Don't answer that. Cuz either you guys are gonna tell the truth and hurt HIS feelings, or lie and hurt mine.
GIRL #8: It's him [Amir]. And I'm not lying.
JAKE: Congratulations, friend, what's your name? What's your number?
(Silence)
JAKE: You know what, you have the least popular opinion in the bar.
GIRL #8 (to GIRL #9): Who do you think is better looking?
GIRL #9: Glasses. [Amir]
JAKE: Yeah, fucking right! How so?? How so??
AMIR: You're wrong.
JAKE: (to GIRL #6) This has been the highlight of my year. What a ride. Come here.
(Jake puts his arm around Girl #6's shoulders and pulls her in)
GIRL #6: Oh!
JAKE: Can you, sorry, don't make that noise, cuz it makes me feel like shit.
(Amir walks on-screen, his shirt all orange)
AMIR: Okay, bad news bears, I think we have to go, as I was pepper sprayed just now, not once, but thrice in what I thought was a unisex bathroom.
JAKE: Don't worry, buddy. Happens to me all the time. (to bartender) Hey, barkeep, we need a glass of whole milk. Okay, my friend here just had his mace cherry popped.
BARTENDER: Yeah, you guys gotta leave.
JAKE: Okay, absolutely understandable. I already hooked up tonight. (to Amir) That burns your nostrils if you inhale it, dude.