INTRO
Amir: Forget your friends and family, this is Jake and Amir!
Jake: What? Why?
EPISODE
[Amir enters. He is stretching and doing calisthenics constantly unless otherwise specified]
Amir: Woo! Time!
Jake: Woah.
Amir: Hey.
Jake: What was your time?
Amir: What?
Jake: How long was your run? How long did it take you?
Amir: Oh, I didn't run. Took a cab to work; I was just, uh, asking what time it was. [Gestures to watch] 12:19.
Jake: 4 PM.
Amir: What?
Jake: It's 4 PM. That makes you like 6 or 7 hours late today.
Amir: 6. Idiot.
Jake: I'm not an idiot; you don't know what time work starts.
Amir: What do you think my biggest weakness is? Correction: was my biggest weakness is?
Jake: You're not smart?
Amir: No.
Jake: You get angry easily?
Amir: No exercise gear, exactly right.
Jake: You also seem incapable of going with the flow of a conversation. You have like some sort of agenda, you're going to make your point no matter what I contribute.
Amir: No arm warmer. No tank. A lack of zero compression pants.
Jake: You had a lack of zero compression pants?
Amir: I went to Sports Authority, and I got calm.
[brief pause]
Jake: What?
Amir: My life has been a whirlwind ever since Passover. Yeah, my dad gave me a hundred dollar bill to go fuck myself with. Luckily for me, they accept that at most sporting goods stores. [hits ground while doing a push-up] Ow.
Jake: If it's a hundred dollar bill, then they accept it anywhere.
Amir [eating from a gel pouch]: Ugh, these things never get any easier to swallow. Popped a molly, I'm sweatin', woo!
Jake: Have you actually started exercising?
Amir: Not yet, I'm a triathlete. As in, I'm trying to be an athlete.
Jake: By buying those clothes?
Amir [doing the macarena]: They say to dress for the job you want. And I want a blow job.
Jake: You know, that's not even a stretch, that's the macarena. You can leave, or you can get to work.
Amir: I'm actually pretty depressed about all this shit. I feel like I can't get my act together at all.
Jake: Cool, man, I'm sorry to hear that. What do you want me to say?
Amir: I spent the better part of a G of not my own money trying to make my old man proud. Turns out the only thing he could be proud of, is that his son is a piece of shit.
Jake: Why would he be proud of that?
Amir: I like to make people laugh, you know? Except the only problem is I'm the only joke in this room. And what's so funny about a grown-ass loser?
Jake: I guess it's funny that you're having this realization in compression pants.
Amir: That's true.
Jake: No, man, I was making fun of you.
Amir: Thanks, man. I needed to hear that.
Jake: Don't thank me, I was being mean to you.
Amir: Hey, everybody: get a load of these pants.
[crowd which has suddenly materialized begins laughing]
Amir: Oppa gangnam style!
[everyone laughs harder]
[Amir begins dancing and crowd starts to applaud and cheer]
[Jake, smiling happily, claps twice and points a finger to the sky]
[All Gold Everything by Trinidad James can be heard playing]
Amir dressed as blonde woman [in Southern accent]: I want to give you the job you want: a blow job.
[transition to Amir, semi-conscious and dancing, sitting up against some garbage cans on a sidewalk]
Amir: Popped a molly, I'm sweatin', woo!
[Jake and a Police Officer approach]
Jake: Yeah, that's him.
Police Officer: We found him passed out outside of a Sports Authority shouting obscenities at strangers.
Jake: Is he dead?
Police Officer: Unfortunately, no. He's just sleepy and frozen.
Amir: Woo!
[cut to credits]