[no intro]
[Jake and Amir are waiting for a table at a restaurant.]
JAKE: Hey!
HOSTESS (JESSICA): Hey!
JAKE: Uh, two please.
HOSTESS: Sure.
AMIR: Yup, two for dinner, heheh!
HOSTESS: Great!
AMIR: Though usually we just eat pussy.
JAKE: 'Later.
[Jake immediately leaves.]
AMIR: Wait!
[Amir is eating dinner by himself. He shakes his head about what happened. A waitress comes over.]
WAITRESS (CHLOE): How's the steak?
AMIR: Fine... though I think I need a martini after that whole exchange.
[The waitress chuckles politely.]
AMIR: Catch that?
WAITRESS: Yup. One martini comin' up!
AMIR: No: what happened with me and my friend? Best friend, actually. Or so I thought.
WAITRESS: Oh. No.
AMIR: He ditch-ditch-ditched me.
[The waitress goes to leave, but Amir holds her back by the arm.]
AMIR: Actually, one second. Where's the hostess? Let's call her over; she saw the whole thing.
WAITRESS: Let go of my arm... and I'll go get her.
AMIR: Fine.
[He lets go of her arm.]
AMIR: Actually, what's her name? I can just call her over.
WAITRESS: It's Jessica. I'll just go grab--
AMIR: Perfect. Jessica! Jessica!
[As Amir calls for the hostess, Jessica, he restrains the waitress by the wrist again. She tries to pull away.]
AMIR: You're... hurting my fingers, honestly.
[Jessica comes over.]
JESSICA: Are you okay?
AMIR: Jess! Hi. I was just telling, um...
[There is a pause, but not a very long one.]
AMIR: That's when you say your name, sweetheart. It's called flirting. [to Jessica] You saw when my best friend left, right? After I told that good joke?
JESSICA: ...Yeah.
AMIR: Look, I knew you thought it was funny, didn't you? For an off-the-cuff one-liner?
JESSICA: Um...
AMIR: Um what?
JESSICA: ...It was fine,
AMIR: [in a robot voice] It was fine... No it was not fine... It was good... [speaking normally] Okay, tell it like it is. All right? Obviously I wouldn't Tweet it. I have a very unpopular twitter account: USARice. Follow it if you scare! [imitating Dracula's iconic laugh] Moo ooo ahh ahh ahh...
[There is a long pause. Amir holds the Dracula face.]
AMIR: DO you honestly think he should have left, though? Over one joke?
JESSICA: Well, I kinda get the sense that you make those jokes a lot...
AMIR: Granted! Okay? But that's almost enough out of you, so please... proceed with caution.
JESSICA: Well maybe he was just fed up, and... didn't want to be here anymore.
AMIR: And that actually is enough out of you. Thank you so much, Jessica; you're trying to be nice, but you're giving me a legit migraine right now.
JESSICA: Well I also got the sense that he didn't want to be here to begin with, so...
AMIR: [mock laughter] It's my birthday today. [pause] Wow, suddenly the customer's always right! I'll have that martini for free now, and as for the steak, I think... no, in fact I know I'm going to be eating it off your ass.
[The waitress slaps Amir in the face.]
AMIR : Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Woo! Yeah! That's a lawsuit. That is a lawsuit. Good news, everybody! My name's Jake Hurwitz and dinner's on me, because this establishment now owes me a million dollars! In the form of a suit. [tugs his collar] Class action!
[The waitress begins crying.]
JESSICA: It's fine, Chloe. It's gonna be fine.
AMIR: Yeah, it's fine! It's fine? Or do I have a video tape... of the whole frickin' thing?
[Amir holds up his iPhone, which has a recording of him playing.]
AMIR: [on the iPhone] It's fine? Or do I have a video tape of the whole frickin' thing?
AMIR: Nooooo!
[Jake comes back to the restaurant.]
JAKE: Hey, man. I'm sorry. I cooled off. It's just I really hate when you make those jokes. You know?
[Amir nods.]
JAKE: What's going on? Did you make this girl cry?
AMIR: I made her realize that she was being a proud little diva tramp floozy!
[Jake slaps Amir in the face.]
AMIR: That's another lawsuit! That is another lawsuit, unbelievable! Two for the price of fun! I'm rich... James, bitch!
END