[no intro]
[Amir is recording himself on a handheld camera. He is in a closet.]
AMIR: [half-whispering] Hello, fellow astronaut accountants! Jocelyn here. We are reporting live from Ace's closet. It sounds like Ace has [Amir presses his ear to the door, hears moaning] some sort of girl over, but I'm sure they won't mind we... interrupt.
[Amir opens the closet door and walks out. The camera is pointed at the floor.]
JAKE: [panicked] Wh-whoa whoa hey hey-
[Cut to the opening credits. Jake and Amir are both dancing, and text vaguely matching the lyrics flashes on screen in time to the song.]
AMIR: Ace and Jocelyn, Ace and Jocelyn, from space and Jocelyn! Astronaut accountants and they're comin' to your face! If you love that shit, say naaah nah n-nah nah nah, nah nah nah-- Hey-- Mom, close the door!
TEXT: Ace And Jocelyn / Ace And Jocelyn / From Space / And Jocelyn / Astronaut / Accountants / Shit, slow down. / SLOWDOWN! / Fuck, startover. / STARTOVER!!!
[Jake and Amir waggle their fingers at the camera, then the dance ends. The music stops, and the recorded audio comes on.]
AMIR: ...No.
JAKE: I did it.
AMIR: No, you gotta go like that; [waggles his finger] you didn't k--
[The video cuts. Jake and Amir are inside.]
AMIR: We're in trouble, Ace! Earth's closest planet, the moon, needs us.
[Pan to Jake, who is not wearing a shirt.]
JAKE: Dude, were you really just taping me right now?
AMIR: I'm always taping you, Ace! I'm always taping you.
[During the ensuing argument, a drawing of a woman who is riding a phallic rocket and has had Amir's face crudely edited on to her floats by and obscures the video.]
JAKE: Okay-- well, I-- you know what? Give me the camera, alright? 'Cuz I need to-- erase that-- footage...
AMIR: [simultaneously] No! Get off of me! What are you doing? Oh, your hands smell like Vaseline!
[The camera turns, and Jake is wrestling Amir for control of the camera. The frame rotates away in a transition to a skyline shot.]
AMIR: The city looks so calm... but it's in trouble, Ace.
JAKE: I thought you said the moon was in trouble.
AMIR: Will you just play along? Okay? You already did the dance, y--
[cut]
JAKE: Jocelyn! If--
AMIR: Yeah!
JAKE: --If I go on this space mission with you, if we can save the city, then... [Amir briefly jerks the camera to face him, then back to Jake] you promise you'll let me... delete the footage of me touching my idea... stick, right? To get the enemy intelligence!
AMIR: It's too obvious! It's too obvious.
[The frame page-curls away. Jake and Amir are now walking down the street.]
JAKE: All right, Jocelyn. What's the plan?
AMIR: The plan is there's a nuclear reactor down by the river. I say we go down there, and try to defuse it!
JAKE: Great idea, but... pretty cold down there. You sure the reactor's not indoors somewhere?
AMIR: It's not indoors! It's outdoors. Okay? Stick to the script, and you will go there in a T-shirt for this insubordination!
JAKE: Dude, relax!
AMIR: Unless you want me to leak the footage of you jer--
[The frame star-wipes to Jake and Amir at the riverside.]
JAKE: Here we are at the river, and, uh... fortunately, there's no nuclear reactor, so I guess we should, uh...
AMIR: No no no, it's probably... at the bottom of the river. You should go in and check it out.
JAKE: Aaah, no. Dammit, we're... we're foiled, 'cuz... the river is too... frigid, and... polluted and filthy to... to go in...
AMIR: Well clearly you don't have a problem being filthy! Right? I have footage on here that shows you not having a problem being filthy, and I can go back upstairs and friggin' upload it!
JAKE: You know what? You know what, dude? That's it. This is [cut] fun. [cut] That's what this is! This is b-- [cut] fun. [cut] And you know what? I'm not having any f-- [cut] blackmail! [cut] This is not f-- [cut] blackmail! [cut] Not for me. [cut] It's [cut] what best friends do. This is [cut] what best friends do. [cut] You're a [cut] fun. [cut] guy! You're a piece of [cut] fun. [cut] You are [cut] a good [cut] friend! [cut] You are [cut] a good [cut] friend! [cut] Alright? I'm serious.
AMIR: Thank you, Ace! Thank you.
JAKE: ...Just keep rolling, I'll jump in the river.
AMIR: Alright. Three, two, one, action!
[The video cuts. Amir is walking and videotaping his face.]
JAKE: [off-screen] Okay, we have to get back to my apartment, now.
AMIR: That was epic, man. I totally recorded it-- Oh, shit...
[Diamond-wipe to Jake, soaking wet and wrapped up in a blanket in his apartment.]
JAKE: Did you get it?
AMIR: Uhh, well, good news and bad news, heh: Good news is, you get to jump in the river again! Yay! That was... fun. The bad news is, due to a camera malfunction, the, um... the footage was sort of lost. Not human error--
[Jake begins slapping Amir over and over.]
AMIR: N-- ow! Stop-- high-fiving my-- face!
[Cut. They are still in the apartment.]
JAKE: You... definitely deleted that footage, though?
AMIR: Yeah. I'm gonna delete it... Either that, or I'll do you one better!
[Amir begins running.]
JAKE: Ey-- no. No!
[Cut to footage from earlier. Jake is naked with a belt around his neck. There is a censor bar. There is obnoxiously-inserted text throughout.]
JAKE: [to the dog] Hey. Go away. Go to your food.
TEXT: REMIX IN 3 / 2 / 3 / Dammit / A m i r R u l e z / WONE! / REEE-MIXXX
[Jake strangles himself with a belt and jerking off. The footage is remixed into a rudimentary beat of coughs and choking sounds. Over top, Amir is singing the theme song.]
AMIR: Naaah nah n-nah nah nah, nah naaah nah n-nah nah nah, nah naaah nah n-nah nah nah, nah naaah nah n-nah nah nah, nah--
TEXT: OH SH**IT* / WHAT THE HE*LL? / OH FUCK*[The same picture of the Amir-woman on the rocket moves through frame again. The beat and singing continue. Cut forward to Amir walking into the room. Jake sees him, tries to pull up his pants, and falls over.]
JAKE: What're you doing here, man--
[The episode ends abruptly.]
END