INTRO
AMIR: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir, unless you're my parents in which case, you're NEVER watching it.
JAKE: Wow.
AMIR: Yeah
JAKE: Okay, guys, Texas Hold 'Em is the name of the game. You know the rules, there are two blinds-
STREETER: Amir is standing right behind you.
JAKE: Buddy, I told you you could go home. It's a half day, you do NOT need to be here.
AMIR: I like that you called me a buddy.
JAKE: I cannot believe you write that down.
AMIR: What are we playing?
JAKE: You're leaving.
AMIR: Nooo, you can't physically force me to leave, so let's figure something out.
JAKE: I probably COULD physically force you to leave.
AMIR: Ahh, please don't!
JAKE: Okay, look, you could stay, under two conditions.
AMIR: Fine.
JAKE: Let me say what the conditions are and you might be so insulted, that you decide to leave.
AMIR: Doubtful.
JAKE: You can't talk.
AMIR: Fine.
JAKE: No speaking...
AMIR: Good.
JAKE: ...laughing, doing anything to disrupt us, and you're not allowed to uh, play.
AMIR: (mocking) Oh no, I can't play. (Normal) Ah ha ha, yeah, I just wanna be here next to you. That's fine.
STELLA: So sad.
GUY: Jake, can we just play?
JAKE: Yeah, sorry,
AMIR: Wait, before you guys start...
JAKE: So you're talking right off the bat.
AMIR: It's a question. I wanna ask a question.
JAKE: Did you talk it? Because I said no talking.
AMIR: You mean did you speak it. You can't talk it, you don't say did can talk it, you moron.
JAKE: You're a moron.
AMIR: Does anyone want sandwiches? There. That's my question. God forbid I ask it!
GUY: I'll take a sandwich.
STELLA: Yeah.
STREETER: Sure, I'll take one.
AMIR: Oh what a surprise, Streeter wants a sandwich. Oh wait, that's not a surprise. The way he's bigger than anyone else is that he eats sandwiches more frequently than the average person.
S: Come on!
AMIR: Ten dollars, everybody give me ten dollars.
JAKE: So you're not buying them.
AMIR: I'm BUYING them. I just don't want to PAY FOR THEM, you grammar Nazi. Who here thinks I'm right?
(Stella raises her hand)
JAKE: Why?
AMIR: I like word play. I've always been the kind of girl who's been like Hmmm, I don't know, CAN you go to the bathroom? Heh.
AMIR: I like this one. Her skin's a little greasy and her eyebrows are WAY too thick, but she's fun, and I think she likes me, too.
JAKE: Okay, you were just narrating that entire thing.
AMIR: It was then that I realized I was narrating along the entire time. Did the grease princess hear what I had to say about her eyebrows. We may never know?
STELLA: Yeah, I did.
AMIR: My mind was racing.
JAKE: Okay, let's just play. Uh, Stella, you're small blinds. Streeter, you're big.
AMIR: Yes, he is very big.
JAKE: You know what dude, that's enough, you can go home. Cuz I said no talking, and if anything, you're talking more than you usually do. You seem incapable of even having an internal monologue.
AMIR: Okay, give me one more chance! Give me one more chance! If I make one joke that makes everybody here crack the fuck up, then I get to stay and play.
JAKE: Why would I agree to that?
AMIR: Because if I don't, if my joke falls flat, then I will leave you alone for the rest of your life.
JAKE: (Beat) Wow. Sure, yeah. I'll take that. Go ahead.
AMIR: (singing) When there's something gay in your neighborhood, who you gonna call? Nutbusters!
(Everyone except Jake laughs)
STREETER: (While laughing) You're the king!
JAKE: My milkshake brings all the gays to the yard, and they're like I'm gayer than y'all, ye-
(No one is laughing)
STELLA: Horrible.
STREETER: I have a gay cousin.
JAKE: I'm sorry!