[Intro]
Jake: Hey! Happy new year! You're watching Jake and Amir.
Amir: 2011 y'all!
Jake: No.
[intro]
[Jake and Amir sitting at their desks, Amir starts to dose off]
Jake: Hey can you not fall asleep right now? We need to talk about that disgusting habit that you've picked up.
Amir: It's called butt chugging, and last time I checked, it wasn't disgusting.
Jake: Really? Have you checked recently? Because according to the news story that I saw, it involves sticking a funnel inside your asshole, and ingesting alcohol through your colon.
Amir [unfolding a scroll]: Top ten wines to butt chug!
Jake [interrupting]: Where do you go scroll shopping? Did you raid an ancient pirate ship or something?
Amir: By Amir [long bleep is heard and Amir's mouth is censored] Blumenfeld.
Jake: How about you never say that again in the office.
Amir [reading off the scroll]: Number ten! I'll say it again. If the taste is heinous, shove it up your anus! you'll get drunk better, faster, stronger.
Jake: That is what you did last night at my new year's party, but do you think you were drunker better than anybody? because I think you should up blackout drunk at seven P.M., in half a tuxedo, just the top half, you were naked waist down. You had a glass champagne flute stuck inside your butt, and you were dancing around singing "happy new queer".
Amir: Number nine, that's wine and dine! A Chardonnay and a fish fillet, blend it up, dinner and a drink, now that won't stink.
Jake: You're talking about shoving blended fish inside your butt, then yeah I bet it does.
Amir: To each, her own.
Number eight, it must be fate. A Zinfandel for this infidel make me think, don't ask, do tell. I stick a funnel in my butt.
Jake: We all know what you do, ok? You ruined New Year's. When everybody was counting down you bent over and farted Vodka onto the TV.
Amir: I'm the life and death, of every party.
Jake: Yeah you definitely killed the mood when you slipped and fell and shattered that glass Champagne flute inside your body. We took you to the hospital but the doctor refused to operate on you. He said, in the long run it might be better if you just die.
Amir: Number seven, is Levant. That's right, I soak a full body bread in a Jewish rye bread, and this ass, gets fed. Aka, you freeze the loaf and chisel off little suppositories that you stick inside your ass all night like little Tic-Tacs.
Jake: Is that what you do with Tic-Tacs?
Amir: Yeah!
Jake: Why?
Amir: Number six, it's for dicks! Take a Capri-Sun straw and stick it in your urethra. With a reverse piss, you can't miss.
Jake: So you graduated to dick chugging?
Amir: With honors, sir.
Amir: Number five, P. nomwar? More like p. yes. - Lar.
Jake: Woah.
Amir: Woah
Jake: Bad.
Amir [disappointed]: Oh.
Jake: Terrible rhyme.
Amir: No?
Jake: How did that make your final draft?
Amir: It didn't.
Jake: This isn't a final? Why are you reading it in front of me?
Amir: Number four. One Tequila, two Tequila, three Tequila, sore. Ow, if your anus ain't bruised all night, then you ain't funnelin' right.
Jake: Is there a right way to funnel? If there is, I bet you don't know it. 'Cause why else do you have those shards of glass inside your anal cavity right now?
Amir: Number three, you and me. Sippin' on some English tea.
Jake: So not butt chugging.
Amir: Oh, no, no, no. We're sipping it through our assholes.
Jake: Definitely not doing that with you.
Amir: Number two, how about some Yoo-hoo where you poo-poo. That's right, it's already wet and brown downtown, mamma mia, that's some diarrhea!
Jake: I think what I'm gonna do is e-mail Paul...
Amir: No.
Jake: ...and ugh, see if I have the permission to send you home, or if he will. Um, you need to not be here today.
Amir: How is that your call to make?
Jake: I'm gonna tell him the circumstances and see if I can send you home.
Amir: That's so illogical to me.
Jake: Really?
Amir: Yeah.
Jake: That's illogical? 'Cause I think getting your anus wounds untreated, leaving the hospital saying: "Fuck this quack, you're a hack", I think that's illogical.
Amir: Not fair.
Jake: That's not fair? What you're doing to your body isn't fair.
Amir: I'm almost done with the list.
Jake: Three of your top ten haven't even been alcohol. One of them involved shoving a straw inside your dick. I mean that's self-mutilation bud, and I think all of them will kill you.
Amir: Number one, have some fun in the sun hun. Bring your ass to the beach, and flop it down like a leech. Put your knees by your ears, but don't feed your butt beers. Not Vodka nor Gin, no those can't go in. Spread your butt cheeks wide, stick that funnel inside, now wait for the tide you're going for a ride. You're a full grown guy, with a tight brown eye, so make sure your lips are sealed, and your rectum is peeled. Which alcohol is best, for your asshole that stretch? Not red nor white, nor Captain Morgan's Delight, no. What will save the day? Oh you don't say? it's: drum roll please.
Jake: No.
Amir: A simple Rose.
[Jake start clapping slowly]
Amir: Thank you.
Jake: I don't mean it. Are you done with the list?
Amir: Not 'till I celebrate, [takes out a glass of blended fish and alcohol, and a funnel], with a number nine.
Jake: Please not now, not here at the office.
[Amir starts pouring the drink into the funnel, and looks in pain].
Jake: Oh no! Ah!
Amir [in pain]: Ah! It's in me.