INTRO- JAKE: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir.
AMIR: Saying your name loud and my name quite, huh? Nice.
JAKE: Come on.
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INT: Office
JAKE: Dude, you see Homeland last night?
AMIR: No! And don't say anything, okay?
JAKE: I'm not going to say anything. I won't ruin it. It's insane.
AMIR: That's a spoiler!
JAKE: That's a spoiler? That's a spoiler?
AMIR: (Laughing) Yes! That's a spoiler. To say, that's insane it spoils the experience.
JAKE: Something insane happens every single week!
AMIR: I know, but now I feel like someone's going to die or something.
JAKE: Maybe- Someone dies a lot.
AMIR: Oh my god!
JAKE: I'm not saying they did. I'm not saying they did. I'm not saying they did. Maybe they didn't.
AMIR: That sandwich looks really good, actually.
JAKE: I know.
AMIR: Give Daddy a bite.
(Silence falsl between them and Jake dry heaves)
AMIR: What?
(Jake starts to get up)
AMIR: You're going?
JAKE: No. I'm..
AMIR: What did I do?
JAKE: I don't like what just happened.
AMIR: (Overlapping) What? I asked you for a bite of your sandwich? Oh no, I asked you for a bite!
JAKE: (Overlapping) Okay? I'm serious. No, it wasn't just that. You said, Can I have a bite, Daddy? You called yourself Daddy.
AMIR: Yeah, daddy. It's a joke. It's a joking nickname.
JAKE: No, it's not a joke. It makes me feel uncomfortable.
AMIR: On my god. You are reading so much into it.
JAKE: (Overlapping) I'm not- Look, don't worry. We don't have to have this conservation. I'm just saying.
AMIR: (Overlapping) Okay. Can I have a bite, bro? Can I have a bite, cuz? Can I have a bite, aunt? Can I have a bite, uncle? Can I have a bite, nephew?
JAKE: Yeah, no. All of those are examples of things that are unacceptable, actually.
AMIR: UNACCEPTABLE?! To say bro? Are you kidding me? Everyone calls each other that!
JAKE: Fine. Bro may be the one that works. But calling yourself my aunt?
JAKE: (Overlapping) Stop. It doesn't. I don't need a list. All I'm saying. It doesn't have to be. Don't make it a thing. Don't make it a thing. Why are you getting so angry? Why are you harping on it like this? I'm just asking you not to call yourself daddy.
AMIR: (Overlapping) Bro is fine, okay. So we're on the same generational level. So why don't I give you a list? I'll give you a family tree and you give me a pre-approved list of what I can call you and what I cannot. Daddy: X. Mommy: X. Bro: Okay, that's fine. Cuz: That's fine. So everything on my generational level is fine.
AMIR: I'm angry? You're about to leave!
JAKE: Yeah, I'm gonna leave. You made me uncomfortable. You made it weird.
AMIR: Because it s- it was not even sexual.
JAKE: (Overlapping) Wow. Really? Right now you're gonna say- Oh God. Dude, I didn't think it was. Don't make it a sexual thing.
AMIR: (Overlapping) I guess now it grosses you out because you think it's a sexual thing. (In a mocking sexy tone) Give Daddy a bite. Give Daddy a bite. I wasn't even saying it like-
JAKE: You saying that makes it kind of a sexual thing.
AMIR: (Overlapping) What? Because I'm saying it's not a thing makes it a thing? Okay. So, this is not a computer. I guess that makes it a computer. Is that how it works?
JAKE: (Overlapping) No, I'm not trying to put that on you. Oh my God. Just...Drop it. Just drop it.
JAKE: Why don't you just drop it?
AMIR: (Drops a coin) I want to drop it but you're turning this into a bigger deal than it already is!
JAKE: (Overlapping) You're harping on it!
JAKE: Oh my God.
AMIR: What?
JAKE: Look at the veins in your neck coming out right now.
AMIR: (Overlapping) Oh my God. Veins in my neck. Ooo. Wow. They're gay too. I guess you're freaked out by them because they're calling you daddy.
JAKE: (Overlapping) You always get so stressed out. Just- Dude, just let it go.
JAKE: You said something that offended me and I'm gonna leave. That's it.
AMIR: So you're going to leave?
JAKE: Yes, I'm going to leave
AMIR: (Overlapping) You're just going to take off for the rest of the day because I called you a nickname? How's that going to work? (Mimic being on the phone) Oh sorry, I'm going to work from home today. Yeah. Amir called me a thing. I guess I'm freaked out and I don't want to be here anymore. If that freaks you out. If that little amount of stuff freaks you out then maybe you shouldn't be here maybe you shouldn't be at work. Because in this environment people call each other nicknames all the time!
JAKE: (Overlapping) Yes. I think I'm going to go home. I'll work-I'll work from home. I'll email everyone and say I'm working from home. Not a thing, you called yourself daddy. Shut up dude. Yeah! Maybe I will leave! I'm going to leave. You know what I'm going to do-
JAKE: With the yelling, you can stop it right now. I'm going to go home. I've lost my appetite. You don't get the sandwich. I'm gonna throw it away. Where is it?
AMIR: (With sandwich bite in mouth) I got it.
JAKE: How?
AMIR: (Still with bite and sunglasses on over glasses) I guess Daddy wins!
JAKE: You're not even chewing it.
THE END