Amir: Hey, you're watching Jake and a BEARD
Jake: Nice.
Amir: Well, your beard's not nice.
Jake: Stop!
EPISODE:
Amir: Wha? You've gotta be shitting me with this.
Jake: Sorry man....
Amir: This is not how I wanted to start my day.
Jake: Then you know what? You shouldn't have brought your rabid Rottweiler to "Bring Your Dog To Work Day".
Amir: So the bitch barked a bit!
Jake: What are you talking about, "She barked a bit"? She killed two dogs! She ate two other dogs and bit a bunch of people.
Amir: And for that, I deserve this, this... silent treatment?
Jake: Why do you think that everything that happens to you is the silent treatment?
Amir: Silence.
Jake: No one is giving you the silent treatment. They just made and destroyed this "You-Doll".
Amir: I'm starting to think that I shouldn't have even brought Rotem in to work!
Jake: Who the fuck is Rotem?
Amir: That's the name of the pup!
Jake: You know what? Stop calling her a pup. You brought a crazed beat into the office. She attacked you, making you drop her leash. You looked surprised and scared and you said, "You know what, 'I can't deal with this'" and then you ran off in a brazen act of cowardice.
Amir: I feared her that day....
Jake: You should fear her everyday, and I think you do because you locked yourself in a closet for two hours yelling, "Shoot 'er! Shoot 'er! Shoot the bitch for all I care!' Meanwhile, she's out there attacking people, almost as if you trained her to do it. I mean, where did you get such an angry animal?
Amir: She is an angry bitch. But she is calm.
Jake: Wrong. You know the worst part, man? What animal control got there and told you that you had to put her down, you said, 'go ahead'. You didn't even go with them to the shelter to give her the needle!
Amir: I couldn't....
Jake: You couldn't be there for that dog?
Amir: I couldn't....
Jake: Don't say, 'I couldn't' like you care, like you care about the dog. No, you just brought her to create chaos.
Amir: I got the mut three weeks ago at a friggin bake sale! Yea, how do you like that? I'm sitting there trying to gank a muffin and quesant.
Jake: Stop saying it like that.
Amir: What, quesant?
Jake: Yea, you're not French!
Amir: It's a French word!
Jake: Just go on with the story.
Amir: So I'm tryna gank a quesant and steal an empanada-
Jake: Oh my god...
Amir: -When all of a sudden I'm attacked by this, by this, by this-
Jake: Spit it out
Amir: -This beast outta hell. She starts gnawing at my ankle and biting on my thigh meat and I thought, "I have to have her." I said, "Look, no ones gonna love you, including me."
Jake: Jesus.
Amir: I had her in my basement for a fortenight
Amir: yeah just feeding her live rabbits, showing her pictures of other dogs and punching her in the throat, kicking her in the schnozzle.
Jake: The schnozzle?
Amir: The nozzle, whatever the frick it’s called!
Jake: You don’t even know the names of the body parts that you abused!?
Amir: Long story shorts whips out pair of shorts
Jake: Did you bring those in for that joke?
Amir: I inadvertently trained the she-bitch to hate the sight of other dogs and to love the taste of blood.
Jake: How was that inadvertent, it was precise, it was methodical, it was illegal!
Amir: Abusing a dog and setting it up as a ‘killing machine’ for my personal fucked up reasons is illegal?
Jake: Yes.
Amir: Who’s the dog gonna tell because last time I checked, Rotem can’t talk!
Jake: Last time I checked, Rotem was dead.
Amir: Exactly.
Jake: You know what this is too fucked up, you crossed the line dialling on phone
Amir: What are you doing?
Jake: Hi 911.
Amir: I hope you’re calling to turn yourself in for being dirt!
Jake: My friend abused a dog, I don’t know if you want me to bring him in or if you can come pick him up…
Amir: Oh my god, you called us friends!