INTRO
JAKE: Hey ladies, you're watching Jake Amir.
AMIR: Very cool.
JAKE: Shut up, dude.
JAKE: Hey asshole!
AMIR: Are you mad at me?
JAKE: (muttering, mimicking) Are you sad-der me.
AMIR: That's not what I said.
JAKE: Dude, these cords? Your fault. My pants are too tight, and that ain't right.
AMIR: I agree. Look, I'm sorry I couldn't respond to your text messages as to whether or not you should buy those pants, but I was with my mom.
JAKE: Oh, I can't wait to hear this story. I'm all beers.
(Jake mimics opening a beer, drinking it with glug sounds , taking some breaths, drinking again - with more glug sounds - crushing the empty beer can on his forehead and tossing it away. Jake then laughs at his own joke)
AMIR: My mom was in a car accident and so my entire family was with her in the hospital.
JAKE: Are you done being a jackass?
AMIR: Look, I'm sorry, I don't know what else to say.
JAKE: No, no, I'm sorry. Jesus. I'm sorry.
AMIR: Thank you.
JAKE: What a tragedy.
AMIR: Yeah, it's just so weird to see this -
JAKE: Yeah, no, I can't believe a modern hospital wouldn't have cell phone service. I - I - I - I - I - I'm appalled.
AMIR: Huh? No, it had cell phone service.
JAKE: Oh, it HAD cell phone service. But you didn't respond to my text, so, your lies are catching up with you, Blumenfeld. Hmm, I don't know.
AMIR: No, I had cell phone reception, I jus-
JAKE: How you gonna play this one, bud?
AMIR: I just couldn't respond, okay, because I was-
JAKE: Cuz you were busy operating on her? Cuz you're a PA or some shit? Are you a physician's assistant? Or were you in the waiting room with your dick in your hand?
AMIR: I was in the waiting room, yes.
JAKE: Then you had your dick in your hand, didn't you?
AMIR: No, I didn't have my dick in my -
JAKE: You were jerkin' your gerkin in the waiting room.
AMIR: No, I was not.
JAKE: I bet a doctor would frown upon that. I do.
AMIR: I was on my phone, okay? I was starting this phone tree, you know, trying to alert every member of my family as to what happened.
JAKE: You have got to be SHITTING me with that, dude! You were on your phone? You were on your phone?? And you were ignoring my texts as they're coming in?? By the way, a phone tree works like this: You call one person, then that person calls another person and then that person calls another person. Doesn't mean, like, everybody's calling you, making it so you can't respond to your texts, right? It's some kind of reverse phone tree? Were you the trunk? If you're the trunk, then you got punked.
AMIR: I don't know what to say. I guess I got punked. It's just that I'm also in emotional pain, too, right now, man.
JAKE: Don't play that card, you coward. Okay, I sent you 12 pictures of myself in a dressing room, and it would've taken 3 seconds out of your day to give me a hell to the no. You know, even, going forward, how about if you ignore my texts, I'll know, don't buy the cords.
AMIR: Fine, I ignored the text.
JAKE: Going forward, I said. As in starting now, and seeing as though I texted you yesterday, Lucy! You got some 'splaining to do! (to the office) If anybody heard that and didn't laugh, I urge you to reconsider. Okay, I would take a pity laugh to save some face. Speaking of face, why is nobody sucking on my face as I am looking amazing in these ill-fitting - slim-fitting! - cords?
AMIR: I thought you said you didn't like the pants.
JAKE: You thought wrong. A pair of roys for this lazy goy make the Jewish sluts say oy oy oy.
AMIR: Offensive.
JAKE: I butt-fucked my brother, on a booze cruise!
AMIR: Can't you just return the corduroys?
JAKE: Of course I could. It's not exactly how I went to spend my Sunday afternoon, right, bud?
(Amir's cell phone rings)
AMIR: The hospital's calling me.
JAKE: And once again, you choose them over me.
AMIR: I haven't picked it up yet.
JAKE: Yeah, but I know you're thinking about it, dude. And tell you what, if you pick that up, (in a bit of an accent) me and you are done professionally. (to the office) Another joke for everybody, that's Christian Ball [sic], (to Amir) but really? Pick it up, and we're not friends.
AMIR: Fine. (to phone) Hey, can I call you back? (Amir hangs up)
(Jake gives Amir a look. Amir gives him a look back.)
JAKE: Oh - oh oh oh oh oh oh yeah, that doesn't matter at all. You still picked it up!
AMIR: I hung up on them!
JAKE: You c- you certainly did not. You left this conversation, you had another one! Ok? How do you think that makes me feel?
AMIR: I told them I'd call them back!
JAKE: You s- you uh ew ah - please! You answered the phone, you said (in a high voice, but not in an imitation of Amir's high voice) Hi, how are you? I'm Amir Blumenfeld, I'm a piece of shit.
AMIR: No!
JAKE: Then you said, (again, in a high voice) can I please call you back? Let me please call you back? I bet you do call them back, too!
AMIR: Yeah, I might. Probably, yes.
JAKE: Alright, man, alright, we have to figure this shit out, ok? I'm sorry your mom's dead, but that's not -
AMIR: She's not dead.
JAKE: You gotta be SHITTING me with that!