INTRO
Amir: *monotone* I am a robot, you're watching Jake...
Jake: Unplug your nose, you asshole.
Amir: OKAY.
EPISODE
Amir: Happy Post-Turkey Day, eveyone! Who wants 5 liters of piping-hot split pea soup? Or, should I say, shit pee poop? *laughs* No, I'm just jok-oh no! Ah! *falls over, pours soup on face* ARGH! FUCK, IT'S BOILING!
Jake: O-oh my god!
Amir: AH, IT'S BOILING MY FACE AND NECK! AAH, IT'S SO HOT! AAH!
Jake: Hey, alright, I'm going to call 9-1-1, okay?
Amir: No, it's not going to do anything! I prank call them all the time!
Jake: I'll call it from my phone.
Amir: I do it from your phone!
Jake: Well, I'll just tell them you legitimately burned your face this time!
Amir: I crank-yanked them last night with that exact line! I said, please come, I legitimately burned my face this time! They show up, there's a flaming pile of dog shit on my own apartment stoop. Got 'em good.
Jake: ..did you?
Amir: Nah, not really. They just left and a huge part of my apartment burned down. Can you do me a favor?
Jake: What?
Amir: I'd like to stay with you in order to recoup from this injury. I need you to be my nurse for a week.
Jake: ...no.
Amir: What? You already said yes! How could you take it back now?
Jake: No, I didn't. I said what.
Amir: Yeah, what is yes! Why would you want to know what the favor is unless you were going to do it?
Jake: To see if I wanted to agree to the favor!
Amir: No! Hell no!
Jake: Don't tell me what I mean.
Amir: This is unreal! This was your soup!
Jake: What are you talking about?
Amir: I made this soup for you, right? I called you last night and I said, if I brought in leftover split pea soup, would you have some?
Jake: And I said no!
Amir: Exactly! And then I said, if you're not going to have it, then I'm just not going to bring any in, and you said fine.
Jake: Yeah, fine as in don't bring in the soup.
Amir: No, fine as in yes!
Jake: Stop telling me what I mean by shit!
Amir: Are you actually yelling at me right now? I feel like I'm being burnt alive in a cauldron, or a bowl of hot soup was dumped on my face.
Jake: Have you already forgotten that that is what happened?
Amir: *sigh* I'm starting to regret this whole plan.
Jake: What plan, man?
Amir: I figured if I scalded myself on my most important organ, my face...
Jake: Wrong.
Amir: For most people it's heart, for me, it's face.
Jake: You're wrong. Go on.
Amir: I figured if I doused myself in hot soup, you'd want to bring me in. Show me some tender love and care, y'know? Maybe rent some DVDs from Blockbuster Media. I would even eat some leftover yams that you would offer me. I don't really like yams, but I wouldn't have the heart to tell you.
Jake: Well, I'm well aware that you hate yams.
Amir: I hate 'em. I hate yams!
Jake: Stop saying yams.
Amir: ....YAMS.
Jake: Look, if you really did this just to recover at my house, if you're that pathetic, lowly, and masochistic, then...y'know what? I almost do feel bad enough to have you...
Amir: No, no, I don't want to do it like this. I don't want that pity invite!
Jake: What are you talking about? Yes you do! You poured the soup on your face!
Amir: This isn't about me.
Jake: Yes, it is! Everything's about you! You're the most selfish person I know!
Amir: That is not fair.
Jake: Unfair? You prank called 9-1-1! You took emergency responders away from people who actually need it!
Amir: Okay, y'know what? I accept the pity offer. You've made me feel like shit, and so I will accept the pity offer, but I will NOT eat the yams.
Jake: Oh, you'll eat the yams.
Amir: I will not eat the yams, Amir!
Jake: I'M Jake, YOU'RE Amir.
Amir: ...YAMS.
Jake: *starts strangling AmirAmir: Aah, god, this isn't part of the yam plan! Yam plan, thank ya ma'am!