Jake: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir
Amir: I told you we could be naked!
Jake: Oh my god get out
Jake: Well this was supposed to be an intervention, but i guess no one like you enough to show up.
Amir: Oh
Jake: Don't act smug, I know that hurt.
Amir: Is it something I said, or did?
Jake: I mean both. You've been rubbing everyone the wrong way for the past four or five years.
Amir: Yeah, that explains why everybody's been acting coy to me since 2003
Jake: Not coy, it's not coy, they hate you
(Penis Anthony Hudson enters)
Doobs: Is he dead yet, or is it not that kind of intervention
Jake: What kind of interventions do you go to?
Doobs: (laughing)
Amir: What are you doing here, Doobs?
Doobs: I RSVP'd to this intervention one year ago today, on E-vite
Jake: Impossible, I didn't have an E-vite for this intervention, I just decided to have it last week.
Amir: So quiet up, Huddy!
Doobs: You can't call me that any more, A-Weird.
Amir: No!
Doobs: Yes! Because of three seconds ago I have litterally changed my name yet again to Penis Dickling, The Goose! (Howls)
Jake: That's not a goose noise
Amir: Now how am I to make fun of him?
Jake: I don't know, Penis is still pretty bad, I mean dickling is awful
Amir: Mr Goose
Doobs: Grrr, Curse you!
Jake: That's the nicest thing he could have called you.
Doobs: Never matter, we're not here to discuss myself, or the millions of films I've now been cast in. We're here to talk about A-Weird and his father, and his father's tiny, spindly, sticky little legs.
Jake: Wait a second, films?
Doobs: Oh you haven't heard? I am now officially, and universally, a famous actress
Amir: whoah, short shorts
Jake: You know I really hope you just misspoke.
Doobs: I didn't. I've been casted as the fem fatal in the brilliant film A bridge over river Queer. Yes, you heard that. How do you like that range, even Thomas Hanks hasn't played a woman, and he's a MTV award nominee!
Jake: Okay, I don't think you're right about either of those things.
Amir: Yes he is!
Jake: No he's not!
Amir: Yes he is!
Doobs: No, I'm not. Tell me, do you have a CD-ROM drive?
Jake: No
Doobs: What?
Jake: We don't have a CD-ROM drive.
Doobs: Meaning?
Jake: Meaning they're old and out of date, we don't have one.
Doobs: Then what the hell is this? (Picks up a phone)
Jake: It's a telephone.
Doobs: Okay, and these?
Jake: Books
Doobs: Well then wheres you're CD-ROM drive?
Jake: We'd We don't have one!
Doobs: How many gigabytes does you're company own?
Jake: How is that relevant?
Doobs: You're not a tycoon, you're whole job is a lie!
Jake: What are you talking about?
Doobs: (Angrily) Give me your CD-ROM drive!
Jake: We have a DVD player!
Doobs: What is that?
Jake: It plays DVDs, are you serious?
Doobs: Meaning?
Jake: Meaning it plays DVDs
Doobs: Level with me, this has an MPEG 4 on it, can you play it?
Jake: Probably, just put it in the DVD player, okay, we'll see.
(Doobs turns and throws the CD into a DVD player)
Amir: Wow
Jake: Insane!
Doobs (On screen, dressed as a woman): New York city 1995, BC.
Jake (IRL): Wow Doobs this looks awful
Amir (IRL): Shh it's brilliant.
Jake (IRL): How could you say that?
(Amir poiints at the screen, as he walks on dressed in a green nightie. The background to the film is the Eiffel tower)
Amir (On Screen): Hello, Mrs Doobs!
Doobs (On Screen): Hello peasant
Amir (On Screen) : No!
Jake (IRL): I get it.
Doobs (On screen): Today we make history, much like your father tried to make history with me
Amir (On screen): Stop.
Doobs (On Screen):A million years ago when he tried to hug me
Amir (On Screen): Don't!
Doobs (On Screen): and smooch me
Amir (On Screen): No!
Doobs (On Screen): A thousand time in one day!
Amir (On Screen): No, you're off script!
Doobs (On Screen): and I let him!
Amir (On Screen): Gahhh, I'll kill you!
Doobs (On Screen): I challenge you to a wrestling match!
(They fight on screen)
FOUR HOURS LATER
(Jake stands up and leave, Amir and Doobs are clapping)
Amir and Doobs(IRL): It's brilliant Brava, Brava, Brava!
(On screen Amir and Doobs are also clapping)
Amir and Doobs (On Screen): Brava, Brava, Magnificoal!
Amir and Doobs (IRL): Brava!
(Amir blows kisses, Doobs laughs)