JAKE: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir.
AMIR: (singing) That don't impress me much.
JAKE: Shut up.
(Vince, Kelly, Amir, Jake are sitting on a couch with snacks and drinks in front of them on a table. They're sitting in that order: V K A J)
AMIR: Alright, before we get started, can we just agree not to scream or yell to much. I want this to be a footmall match, not a scream fest.
JAKE: We're started, it's in the 2nd quarter.
AMIR: NOOOOO!!! OH, I MADE CHEETOS FOR THIS!
JAKE: There it is, there it is.
JAKE KELLY VINCE: TOUCHDOWN!
VINCE: No, his feet weren't down.
JAKE: Yes, they were.
AMIR: What, do you have a foot fetish, man? Heh heh. (to Kelly) I do.
(Kelly and Vince have switched spots. The order is now: K V A J)
AMIR: Wait a minute, there are bones in this nugget! There are HUMAN bones in this nugget.
JAKE: It's a wing.
AMIR: Nice try! Humans don't have wings. That is a ring finger if I've ever seen one. It's a freaking phalange or something. I took AP Bio.
KELLY: (about the game) I'm gonna pause this...wait! You took AP Bio?:
AMIR: Wow, NOW you wanna know more about me.
AMIR: I cannot believe I ate people. Kelly, great news, you're now dating a cannibal.
KELLY: We're not dating, Amir!
JAKE: Dude, it's a buffalo wing. Relax. Eat around the bone.
AMIR: Chickens don't have bones. They have nuggets and beaks, Einstein! (slaps Jake on the forehead)
JAKE: Do NOT hit me in the forehead again.
AMIR: Sorry about that.
AMIR: 3rd and long, huh? My schlong is long.
(silence)
AMIR: Alright, you know what, no. Social experiment time. I'm gonna write down a joke on a piece of paper, and Jake's gonna say it. Cuz I really think the only reason you guys aren't laughing at my jokes now, i mean, you have some weird fucking vendetta against me or something. I mean, it's gotta be me, right? Speaking of 'N Sync, (singing) it's gotta be me.
(silence)
AMIR: Fuck this room
(Kelly reaches across for a cheeto in the bowl directly in front of Amir. Amir grabs her hand and stabs it with the pen)
KELLY: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
(Jake and Amir have switched places. Kelly is now on one end of the couch and Amir is on the other: K V J A)
AMIR: Alright, Jake, here we go, read it.
JAKE: Not right now, man.
AMIR: Read the joke.
JAKE: (reading the joke) This team is doing fine. You know who could use a head coach? My ex-girlfriend.
AMIR: Uh heh heh...wow, I guess we both suck ass at delivering gold jokes, heh heh, right? Unless, is Kelly laughing? (he pushes Jake and Vince against the couch so he can look at Kelly) No? Okay, she looked like she was...
JAKE: She's crying.
AMIR: Ok.
VINCE: Cuz you stabbed her.
AMIR: Ohmygod, ohmygod, change the channel, (covering eyes) I can't even look, I can't handle the pressure!
JAKE: It's a commercial.
AMIR: I know, but I don't know which one gets out the most stains. Is it Tide? Please don't tell me, don't tell me. Is it Tide, though?
JAKE: Yeah, dude, it's Tide. It's not the other leading detergents.
AMIR: Ohhh, tell me when it's over.
KELLY: I love how every year the media counts out the Giants and then they go on some amazing run in the play-offs.
VINCE: Totally JAKE: Yeah
AMIR: Heh heh, wow. You're a chick. Hmm hmm. Let the boys talk about sports, sweetheart.
KELLY: I know more about football than you do.
AMIR: Oh really, when was the first Super Bowl?
KELLY: 1967. What does a running back do?
AMIR: He gets...paid...heh heh.
KELLY: To do WHAT?
AMIR: I already answered your question, so give me another unless you wanna get (Amir holds up the pen. Jake and Vince grab his arm. Kelly and Vince scream.)
AMIR: How old is Ellie [sic] Manning?
KELLY: Eli. (pronouncing it correctly) 31. Name the 4 teams of the AFC West?
AMIR: Pass. Name the first football coach for the Giants?
KELLY: Bob Falwell. Draw a football.
AMIR: I don't know science shit. I know history shit, but I don't know science shit.
VINCE: Wait, wait, wait, weren't you in AP Bio?
AMIR: Yeah, but I got a 1, ya fucking nimrod.
KELLY: Who won the second Super Bowl?
AMIR: Nah, that's ancient history.
KELLY: Who won LAST year's Super Bowl?
AMIR: That is way too recent, that's not trivia.
KELLY: Who won the Super Bowl in 1989?
AMIR: I don't have to play this game with you anymore, cuz you're clearly cheating, the Jacksonville Jaguars.
KELLY: They weren't a team until 1995.
AMIR: Alright, you know what, lightning round, first one to touch the coffee table wins. (Amir touches the beer) Ooooooooo!
JAKE: You touched the beer on top of the table.
(Kelly touches the table)
AMIR: NOOOOO! I just lost to a girl at trivia, and she's crippled.
(Amir tries to touch Kelly)
KELLY: Aaaaaaa-
AMIR: Oh! I've been pretty into voyeurism recently...watching people, you know, fuck and shit, stuff like that. Spending a lot of time by the window of my apartment with a weird combination of binocs, a telescope and some mirrors. Heh heh. Just getting drunk on Riesling, sitting on a stool, with a bottle of Viagra in one hand and a bottle of Jergens in the other, just waiting for something (in air quotes) romantic (end air quotes) to happen. Heh. Some nights when nothing pans out, I'll just wait and wait and wait for a husband to come home and kiss his wife on the cheek and that's enough, i'm like, fuck it, I'm going at it. I tie a belt around my neck and I'm just fucking strangling msyelf-
VINCE: H-hey hey hey, look they- they're going for it on the 4th down.
(same time)
JAKE: Yes, okay, yeah, alright, let's do that. KELLY: Well, alright, let's go. VINCE: Oh, right, let's go.
AMIR: I can't- yeah- I'm like out of breath, just struggling-
JAKE: Hey, everyone tried to change the subject.
AMIR: Anyone want a sausage or something, like a bratwurst?
VINCE: Yeah, sure.
AMIR: Cool, go make it yourself, then.
VINCE: I said yes cuz I- I thought you were gonna be making it-
AMIR: No, I know, but why don't you go get it yourself? If you want something, why don't you go get it? Huh?
(Jake and Amir overlap)
AMIR: It's called the art of being active. If you want something-
JAKE: Okay, we get it, thank you. Stop it. Settle down. Shut up.
(Kelly, Vince, Jake and Amir overlap)
KELLY: Shut up.
VINCE: You don't understand the way things work!!
JAKE: Oh, come on. Yeah, come on.
AMIR: I'm serious.
(Kelly tries to stab Amir with a pen. Kelly, Jake and Amir overlap)
KELLY: I HAVE THE PEN NOW! I'M GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU!!!!!
JAKE: Hey, hey, hey, hey Kelly, come on, it's not worth it. Kelly, get it- come on, come on. (to Amir)Move your neck away from her.
AMIR: (offering his neck to Kelly)Right here in my fucking trach.