INTRO
AMIR: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir, and you're right, I am a loser.
JAKE: I didn't say that.
AMIR: All right.
EPISODE
AMIR: Oh, yellow, colonel mustard. (chuckles) Yellow, colonel mustard. (laughs) Hello, turtle mushroom.
JAKE: Take off your costume.
AMIR: I'll take that as a condiment.
JAKE: Please don't. I saw you come in here as a pirate.
AMIR: Nyarr! 'Twas a fine costume indeed. However...
JAKE: However, you saw that I was in a mustard costume, panicked, then sprinted out of work. You came back two hours later in this.
AMIR: Coincedence? I think nyarr!
JAKE: I think nyarr as well. Where did you even find that costume on such short notice?
VINCENT: Help! A fucking pirate did this to me!
AMIR: It happened by chance. Happenstance. It happens, Nance!
JAKE: Right, can you please not talk in limericks?
AMIR: Oh, really, that's a limerick? Because last time I checked limericks were an AABBA rhyme scheme.
JAKE: Did you call on a bomb threat to my little brother's school?
AMIR: Exqueese me!
JAKE: Don't say exqueese me.
AMIR: Ex- No, yes, exqueese me.
JAKE: I'm saying, don't say exqueese me anymore, OK?
AMIR: I'm saying exqueese me.
JAKE: Yeah, and I'm saying if you don't understand something I said, say excuse me-
AMIR: Ex-
JAKE: or what.
AMIR: Exqueese me.
JAKE: The other night, his entire dorm was evacuated at one AM because somebody called in a bomb threat, and as he's filing out, he got a text message, from you, that said It's me, it's fine.
AMIR: (snorts) First of all, that's a lie, second of all, I was doing it to triple-check the safety of the school, it's not like your parents were gonna do shit about it.
JAKE: You know what? Don't take matters like that into your own hands.
AMIR: Fine, no more bomb threats, Adolf.
JAKE: Can you take off that costume? OK? I don't want people to think we coordinated this.
AMIR: (snorts) You know, in some weird, fucked up, twisted way, I'd actually be happy if people thought that.
JAKE: I know.
AMIR: No, I'm serious. (snorts) In my messed up mind, like I can delude myself into thinking that you called me in a mustard costume and asked me to wear this.
JAKE: Yeah, I mean, I guess so.
AMIR: Actually, if you want to know the whole truth, I saw a doctor this weekend, a psychotherapist specializing in manic depression and acute schizophrenia, and, uh, he I guess diagnosed me, for lack of a better term, with having these delusions of grandeur and, uh, made it quite abundantly clear to me that, without medication, that you just got punked, bitch! Ha, ha ha, these costumes were a coincidence!
JAKE: Come on, dude! We just turned a corner!
VAMPIRE: Bleh! I vont to suck your blood!
All laugh
VAMPIRE: But, seriously, there's a, uh, bomb threat, and we have to evacuate, like, now.
THE END