INTRO-
Amir: Hi, you're watching Jake and Amir, or as my mom calls it, YOU'LL NEVER AMOUNT TO SHIT!
Jake: Wow.
(Jake walks into the office, only to find a bound and gagged Amir)
Amir: MMMMMPH! MMMMPH!
Jake: Jesus Christ dude, what happened?
Amir: (Singing) I had a bad day, I took-a one down, I sang a sad song just to turn it around...
Jake: Does this have anything to do with the 319 Emails I got when I got off the subway?
Amir: It's kinda hard to be sure, I was too busy being BOUND AND GAGGED FOR THE LAST 20 MINUTES ON ACCOUNT OF ALL THE EMAILS I SENT!
Jake: So it's not that hard to be sure, right? First email from you came 49 minutes ago. Anybody want half a bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich? I tried to finish it but could nay get 'er done. I'm full as a kite and I just might stop to eat you out.
Amir:... EMAIL OF THE FUCKING YEAR.
Jake: Not really. You respond to your email Here ye, here ye, did anybody hear me? This is an amazing deal, get it while she's NOT. Kevin responds I'll eat the sandwich if you shut the fuck up. And you respond to that I'll shut up if literally everybody in the company tells me to... Gangam Style.
Amir: Yeah, exactly, it's a Korean pop song.
Jake: I know.
Amir: And guess what Kevin got in response? A heaping helpful of radio silence.
Jake: 211 emails in 30 seconds, which means a bunch of people told you to shut up twice.
Amir: They didn't have to tell me twice.
Jake: They actually did, because you respond Yeehaw, partners! Didn't realize y'all hated me so much. Owie Zowie. But, not everyone told me to shut up twice, therefore the email thread, unlike Murph's grandmother, lives.
Amir: Low blow? HELL NO!
Jake: Hell yes. I guess people stopped responding to the thread and started talking to you in person, because your next email says, I've had it up to here with people coming by my desk and being mean to me.
Amir: Yeah.
Jake: I don't know why you guys have this mob mentality, but you sheep need to learn how to think individually.
Amir: BAH, BAA! And guess what happened next... my neck was stapled!
Jake: Yep, saw that. Your next email, Who's the coward bitch that stapled my neck? I blinked for a second and I missed you, missed you, now I gotta kissed you. Make yourself known. Rosie responds It was me. and I guess you had to retaliate in some way, because your next email is Who's the prick that threw that brick at my head when I went to hit Rosie? Be a man and fess up to the crime so that I can do the time. Owen Parsons responds It was me. And you reply, 9 minutes later, Who's the loser who tripped me when I went to staple Owen's neck? I tripped and almost hit my head really hard, that would've been a lawsuit for sure.
Amir: WORST. DAY. EVER.
Jake: Yes, I imagine it was, because you sent out another email. (Amir is shown eating his sandwich.) I was just hit with another fucking brick. Are you shitting me with these? That makes 3 bricks on the gay. I don't know where you guys even got these things or the audacity to hurl them at me at such close range-- are you not full anymore?
Amir: Yeah.
Jake: Why are you still typing these emails?
Amir: I wanted to diffuse the situation!
Jake: You think this is diffusing the situation? Y'all are gonna have to bind and gag me if you want peace and quiet around here. And good luck, because I'm got going quietly. Your last email, sent 30 seconds before I got here, is obviously typed with your face, it's just MMPHUSFISDMPH. And then somehow, in perfect english, Gangam style.
Amir: That's my email signature!}
Josh: Why did you ungag him?!
Jake: C'mon dude, hasn't he suffered enough?
(Amir's neck is stapled.)
Amir: Oh, he got me again! The prick hit me again! Did ya see that, with the stapler?!
(A brick is thrown)
Jake: Ok, they're throwing bricks.
Amir: Get out of here, save yourself, I can take it! (Jake flees, Amir is hit with a brick.) Ooh, hit me square!
END