INTRO Jake - Hey you're watching Jake and Amir
Amir - Wow, look at all these yellow triangles
Jake - Just focus
Amir - Alright.
Amir screaming on a beanbag
BEN: Alright, alright, alright, alright now ladies!
AMIR: Yeah?
BEN: Say ladies!
AMIR: Yeah?
BEN: Shake it! Shake - shake - shake it! Shake - shake - shake it like a -
JAKE: Polaroid pictu-
BEN: Stop it Jake! Grab onto him. Hold him. Talk to him like you're his mom.
JAKE: Me and your father aren't proud of you.
AMIR: MOM?!
JAKE: We're disgusted by you.
AMIR: MOM?!
BEN: Breathe. Breathe Amir. Hash-hash-hooms.
BEN AMIR: Hash-hash-hooms. Hash-hash-hooms.
BEN: Alright, we're gonna deliver this baby. We're gonna deliver this baby.
JAKE: Alright. I'm gonna call 911 then.
BEN: Push! Push! Amir, you're shitting yourself.
JAKE: Hi, 911? Yeah I have a dicksucker here in the room with me.
BEN: Bullshit!
AMIR: That's not fair.
JAKE: Yes I do! And he's operating on my friend, who has food poisoning.
BEN: Amir, I got some good news and I got some bad news.
AMIR: What's the good?
BEN: The good news is you're going to die.
AMIR: Ohhh! What's the bad?
BEN: The bad news is I don't know what the term good news means.
AMIR: Oy vey iz mir!
BEN: I'm sorry, ok?
JAKE: it's not that big of a deal, 911 just says we have to induce vomiting.
BEN: There's only one way to do this.
AMIR JAKE: NO! No more milk!
BEN: No more milk, we got it guys, so don't be silly stupid or dumb! No more milk
JAKE: No more milk.
BEN: Ok? So shall we just pop it in he...
AMIR JAKE: No!
AMIR: He said no more milk!
BEN: I thought you were doing it to the crowd, to me? To me, the crowd...
JAKE: Give me the milk!
BEN: Ok guys, if I give you the milk you gotta swear to me not to...
AMIR: Just give him the milk!
BEN: Ok fine. I know how to do this, induce vomiting, I can do this. But I need your permission, ok?
AMIR: Sure.
BEN: I'm gonna warn you, it's not by the bewks.
AMIR: By the what?
BEN: Not by the bewks.
AMIR: It's by the what?
BEN: Not by the bewww-ks.
AMIR: What is it by?
JAKE: He's trying to say book.
BEN: Shut up idiot! OK? I'm gonna take this straw, I need to stick it inside your stomach and I need to suck out the badness, and spit it out to the right. Can I do that?
JAKE: Yeah, 911 says that's insane, don't do that.
AMIR: Let's do it!
BEN: WE ARE CHAMPIONS!
Ben sticks the straw into Amir's stomach. Everyone screams. Ben starts sucking on the straw.
JAKE: YEAH, 911, HE STABBED HIM! THE COCKSUCKER STABBED MY
FRIEND AND HE'S SUCKING THE SHIT OUT OF HIS STOMACH!
AMIR: I cannot even begin to describe how weird this feels.
JAKE: You know what, you're not doing what you said you were going to do which is spit out his fluids. Ok this is insane, they say to just punch you in the stomach.
BEN: Do it!
Jake punches Amir in the stomach. A shoe flies out, and Jake catches it.
JAKE: A shoe?
AMIR: That actually makes sense... because literally a second before I started complaining of pain, I ate a shoe.
BEN: I saved the day again.
JAKE: No you didn't, you didn't do anything except give him expired milk and stab him with a straw.
BEN: You're welcome.
JAKE: 911 is the real hero. Hello sir, what is your name? I'd like to thank you personally... Charles what?
Jake, Amir and Ben look across the room to see Ben sitting in a milkman outfit on the other end of Jake's phone.
BEN: Charles ken..chew om noms...
THE END