(Intro)
Jake: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir.
Amir: Oh hell naw.
Jake: Don't say anything.
Amir: (Sassily) Sorry.
Jake is sitting at his desk
Milk Man: (In the distance, singing) Oh hail to the milk man, the milk man, the milk man, okay, hail to the milk man, the milk man is me. I take milk from cows and I give it to men (pushes Rosie down as he walks up to Jake's desk, Ben Schwartz is dressed as a milk man and carrying several jugs of milk)
Jake: No, no, nononono, no!
Milk Man: I'm sorry son, are you afraid of milk, should I hide the milk?
Jake: Look, listen up everybody, this is the guy that sucked my dick.
Milk Man: Listen up everybody, someone's got to slow their roll, okay, I don't know what you're talking about!
Jake: Okay, Amir held me down...
Milk Man: Sure.
Jake: And you blew me.
Milk Man: Ooh, sounds fun, but it wasn't me.
Jake: What are you even doing here man? Milk men don't exist anymore!
Milk Man: How dare you? Remember the milk man, the paper boy, the evening TV?
Jake: Yeah that song's about how they don't exist anymore.
Milk Man: What song? I haven't heard a song in my life. Did the man that sucked your penis have a beard?
Jake: He had a weird goatee type thing.
Milk Man: Ah Jake, friend...
Jake: You know my name?
Milk Man: I have a beard! Is that your name? Was he a milk man?
Jake: He's had a series of different occupations.
Milk Man: Ah, sorry sir, I have been a milk man my entire life. I bring milk to man, much like how a mail man brings mail to milk to man!
Jake: You know what? Tell me this. What's your name? The guy that sucked my dick was terrible at coming up with names on the spot.
Milk Man: We're totally different people.
Jake: Okay what is it?
Milk Man: My name is Ca... Charles. (Looks at Jake in a proud, surprised way) You hear that??
Jake: You look pretty proud of yourself.
Milk Man: And my last name is Croooshtoost.
Jake: It's definitely you.
Milk Man: Do you want some milk? It's very heavy!
Jake: (Looks at milk) All of your milk is expired!
Milk Man: Do you want some cottage cheese?
Jake: That's not how cottage cheese is made.
Milk Man: (Looks down at milk) Okay.
Jake: Who here is buying expired milk from you?
Amir: (Off screen) Ooooooh my, my, my stomach. (Lying on floor) Milk Man please! A tall glass of your least expired milk!
Milk Man: Absolutely, I have July 13th.
Jake: Pretty expired.
Amir: That's good.
Milk Man: 1991.
Amir: Mmm, even better.
Milk Man: My friend, I've got to go, I'm so sorry. If you find the man that sucked your penis, tell him nice milk man outfit. I've said too much! (Goes over to Amir) Good, good, good, good, here I come, Milk Man to the rescue. We got that August 13th, open wide, here we go (starts pouring horribly chunky, half solidified milk into Amir's mouth and all over his face) open wide, good man! We're good to go! We're good to go! Milk man, milk man, milk man! And that'll do it, Amir that's the whole bottle. Do you want another?
Amir: I'm okay for now, I think...
Milk Man: You got it friend! (Starts pouring another jug of milk on his face, starts singing) Everybody wants to be okay at the milk man!
Jake: What are you doing? He needs a doctor!
Milk Man: (Pops up, now dressed in scrubs over his milk man outfit) I'm a doctor.
Jake: No you're not!
Milk Man: (Shoves his hand into Jakes face) Jake, there's only one thing that could save this man's life: Do you have any milk?
Jake: Why would I have milk?
Milk Man: (Quietly, distressed) God... Damn it. Where's the milk man when you need him. We're gonna have to do this the old fashioned way. (Taps Jake's balls)
Jake: Ooow, fuck man, my nuts!
To be continued