[Introduction]
Amir: You're watching Jake and Amir, but I bet you're just looking at Jake!
Jake: Wow, low self esteem.
Amir: Yeah!
[Jake is sitting at his desk. Amir enters, sits at his desk, clears his throat and unrolls a scroll]
Jake: Not another scroll dude
Amir: Top 10 first date ideas: by Jacob-
Jake: No!
Amir: Penn Cooper-
Jake: No!
Amir: Hurwitz
Jake: No! Use your own name!
Amir: Number 10
Jake: You sick fuck! Use you own name!
Amir: Where and when. Let it be her call, it is 2011 after all
Jake: It's actually 2012 and right off the bat first up on your top 10 date ideas is sort of a cop out so you don't have to choose one
Amir: Number 9: feeling wine! laughs
Jake: Not that good of a joke
Amir: Take her to a wine bar; and not a place that's close, go real far; and not in a plane, drive in a car. That's right, go to wine country - Napa Valley, California together.
Jake: Great!
[While Jake is talking, Amir plays peekaboo behind the scroll]
Jake: So on your first date you want to take a cross-country drive with a stranger and then spend several days in wine country with them? That's like a nine day excursion buddy-
[Amir still peeks from behind the scroll, this time wearing sunglasses]
Jake: Stop doing that!
Amir: Number 8: Take your mother on a date. The first chick you were inside of and you didn't even call her. Now that's baller.
Jake: That's disgusting
Amir: Lucky number sleven: change your name to Kevin!
Jake: Weird. Not a date
Amir: Meet her in heaven. That's right a Romeo and Juliet group suicide so you could spend all of eternity together.
Jake: Why do you write everything on these scrolls? Like these ancient treasure maps you seem to have?
Amir: Six: stands for chicks. That's right, it's the year 2000, so wherever she wants to go you make it happen, Cap'n.
Jake: That is the second time you've: 1) gotten the year wrong, and 2) avoided choosing a date spot
Amir: High five: smoke a bowl and roll. Wake and bake and make her make you a steak. You're ingesting weed and ecstasy, and guess what day it is... X-mas eve.
Jake: Have you done that before?
Amir: Yes! Number 4 is a city so nice they named it Rice. Rice, Texas.
Jake: Another road trip?
Amir: You actually fly in through Dallas! It's a hub!
Jake: Fine.
Amir: Number 3: will you marry me?
Jake: Too much, too fast, way too soon!
Amir: I don't need an answer tonight, but I do need a promise in writing that you'll love me forever.
Jake: That's more than an answer. That's a contract.
Amir: All marriages are arranged, if you include destiny.
Jake: I don't
Amir: Number 2: Darlin' it's always been you. Please say I do, I have a rabbi a priest and a mosque on standby.
Jake: That last one is not a person. By the way, these are all still first date suggestions, right?
Amir: Honestly, I'm just trying to get laid.
Jake: Bad way
Amir: Number 1: you are the one
Jake: Okay
Amir: I'm down on one knee and this is my plea. You are the prettiest girl that I ever did see. So you ask that Lady: Will you marry me?
[Both stay silent as Amir rolls up the scroll]
Amir: Well?
Jake: Well what?
Amir: Well, thoughts on the list?
Jake: Why do you do this? Why do you stay up at night in your apartment making these weird lists? And you know what, even if you get some kind of perverse pleasure out of writing the lists, why bring them to work, and read them to me, when I don't like it?
Amir: Great, so a simple yes or no would have sufficed.
Jake: It actually wouldn't have sufficed, because you said: Thought's on the list? That's not a yes or no question
Amir: And? What are your thoughts on the list?
Jake: It's a bad list. It's a bad list and you're a bad person.
Amir: Wow! That was scoff unexpected... I honestly thought you loved it.