Opening Sequence
Jake: You're watching Jake and Amir.
Amir: I'm so mad I can punch you right now.
Jake: Don't. Ow!
Episode
(Amir repeatedly waves at Jake)
Jake: I already acknowledged you.
Amir: Evenin'.
Jake: Morning.
Amir: Bad to see you.
Jake: You too.
Amir: No, shut up. Er... Keep talking.
Jake: What are you doing?
Amir: Today is not Opposite Day. Or it's not not...
Jake: Oh my god. Are you kidding me? Are you serious right now? You're an adult! You're a grown-up and a you're doing this.
Amir: Thank you! Er, you're wel—sor—you're welc—no—sorry!
Jake: This is some really elementary school level shit, buddy.
Amir: Yeah that means it's high school level shit, not buddy.
Jake: Still be pretty immature then, right? Since you're almost 30?
Amir: I don't not appreciate, or the opposite of appreciate that so—
Jake: Your nose is bleeding.
Amir: Oh, dammit. Er, fine, good. Frig it! I'm overthinking it!
Jake: Okay, well you know what, if thinking of opposites makes your nose bleed, I'd advise you not to partake in Opposite Day.
Amir: No! Er, yes!
Jake: Or at least go back to school. Try to make yourself smart.
Amir: Okay, you know what? For the rest of the day, I'm not going to ignore you.
Jake: Fine. I'm just gonna leave you with one final thought: I have a vagina, you have a penis.
Amir: No, today we are both having a vagina.
Jake: Nah, sorry man. Today, I have a tiny little vagina, and you have a big ol' penis.
Amir: I have a pussy! I have a tight little pussy! (Jake films Amir) And, I'm a nerd! And, we're not friends!
Jake: Great, I got that all on camera.
Amir: Delete that video you fucking dickwad.
Jake: So it's not Opposite Day anymore.
Amir: Opposite Day just took a big old timeout when I became concerned about what you're gonna be doing with that footage of me saying
some pretty compromising shit! Namely, that I have a pussy, that I'm a nerd, and that we aren't friends!
Jake: That was everything you said.
Amir: No. Yes. What?
Jake: Right. So definitely I am posting that video online. That's why I took it.
Amir: At least say that it's Opposite Day—
Jake: No.
Amir: —in the caption!
Jake: No!
Amir: Good. Fine. Everybody please listen up. Despite what video on the internet you may or may not have seen yet, I am not a nerd and
I do have a pussy.
Jake: Wow.
Amir: Don't have a pussy. Keep taping. Keep taping! I don't have a pussy!
Jake: I'm not taping anything.
Amir: You know what, here. Here it is. (Stands on the desk and pulls down his shorts) My glorious hog in all of its glory. That's
right. Does this look like a tight small pussy to you? I don't frikking think so!
(Paul comes in)
Paul: Amir! Amir Amir Amir. What are you doing?! This is work! You're fired.
Amir: Yeah, well, the joke's on you, sir, because today is Opposite Day, so you just told me I'm hired.
Paul: Dammit he's right! Carry on gentleman.
Jake: Are you kidding me?!