INTRO
AMIR - Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir and Cheryl.
JAKE - Oh no.
AMIR - Oh yea!
CHERYL: (sobbing) He's such a fucking coward.
AMIR: He is, he's a freaking coward. I always said that. I said that from day one, that he was a coward.
Jake enters.
JAKE: Oh my God, what happened
AMIR: Cheryl cheated on Todd.
JAKE: So how does that make him a coward?
CHERYL: You're really taking his side in this?
JAKE: No, I'm not gonna take anybody's side. You guys are just at my desk.
CHERYL: Oh! Ohh! Ohhh!
JAKE: Oh.
CHERYL: I'm so sorry that my broken heart and my hurt feelings are getting in the way of you getting your work done.
AMIR: You dick.
CHERYL: You diiick.
JAKE: You know that actually is something you could apologize for.
CHERYL: That pussy didn't even have the guts, to break up with me to my face.
JAKE: How did he do it?
CHERYL: In front of all my friends.
JAKE: So to your face then?
AMIR: Yea to her freaking face, right to it. In front of all of her friens if you can believe that.
JAKE: You know I can't believe that because you just told me he didn't do it to your face because he was too much of a pussy.
CHERYL: Don't say that word!
JAKE: What word? Pussy?
CHERYL: Yea!
JAKE: You're saying it.
CHERYL: No.
JAKE: You say it all the time.
CHERYL: I'm allowed to say it. (Starts waving her finger at Jake) Don't say that word. Don't say that word.
JAKE: Fine, I won't.
CHERYL: (While dancing) Don't say that word.
JAKE: I'm not. I stopped.
CHERYL: Don't say that word.
JAKE: Don't make it a dance, I'm not gonna say it.
CHERYL: Don't say that word.
JAKE: I didn't say it.
CHERYL: Ok, we're getting into a lot of he said she said bullshit, I'm not very happy about it. Here's what I need. I need another shot of tequi-qui and I need a revenge fuck. ASAP
JAKE: Why do you need a revenge fuck? You cheated on your fiance.
Cheryl throws her drink in Jake's face
JAKE: Weak dude!
CHERYL: That's for making Amir feel like a real douchebag about that whole Olympics thing.
JAKE: You told her about the Olympics thing?
AMIR: I tell her everything. Cheryl's my oldest chica.
CHERYL: I'm fifty!
JAKE: I-I'm still in awe of that fact.
CHERYL: Get over it. I'm here, I'm old, and I'm Stan.
JAKE: You don't look that old. You're what?
AMIR: Ok, I know what we're doing tonight.
CHERYL: What are we doing tonight.
AMIR: I'm picking you up and we are having a fuck Todd night. You know why, because-
AMIR and CHERYL: Fuck Todd!
CHERYL: Lets pick up a fucking brick or a cinderblock and just throw it into his parent's property or some shit. Lets fucking wreak some real damage.
AMIR: Let's do it. I hate his fuckin' mom.
JAKE: You know what, I don't wanna interject here but Cheryl it sounds like you're in the wrong.
CHERYL: You could have had this.
JAKE: I'm sorry, I had a shot at that?
AMIR: That's right. You coulda been Cheryl's revenge fudge but you had to go off and defend queen pussy Todd.
CHERYL: Ya yea.
JAKE: Ok this is ridiculous. You know what, Todd's a bitch. He is, he's a real bitch. Everything that you've been saying just, I can't even believe he did it, that all that stuff.
Cheryl wipes a tear from her eye.
CHERYL: You really believe that?
JAKE: I really do. You know what else I believe?
CHERYL: What do you believe?
JAKE: He's Dr. Seuss, and I'm Shel Silverstein.
AMIR: Seems pretty equal.
CHERYL: They're not that different.
JAKE: Equal? What are you talking about? You think Green Eggs and Ham is better than the freaking Giving Tree?
AMIR: I'm saying they're both kid's authors.
JAKE: Oh well I'm saying it's not a freaking contest. Babe Ruth and Joe DiMaggio were both baseball players.
AMIR: Both great, yea very similar baseball players.
CHERYL: I don't know...
JAKE: Yea but which one's bett- you know what that was a weird comparison.
CHERYL: Let's do it, let's do this revenge fudge. I'm just gonna grab my ummm..
Cheryl's phone rings. Amir gasps.
CHERYL: Todd's calling.
JAKE: Hey you know what don't answer it. Lets me and you, we'll go to a bar or something, we'll get a drink, we'll pop thes-
CHERYL: Shut up pussy.
AMIR: Pick it up, pick it up. Be strong. Remember, just be the bigger person, you're the mature one in this situation.
Cheryl answers the phone. Cheryl is silent but then starts moaning.
AMIR: Oh yea, I'm having an affair.
Cheryl continues.
AMIR: Oh yea I'm cheating on you. Uh, I'm cheating on you.
Cheryl starts making even more noises.
AMIR: Ugh, yea get liquid. Ugh, yea get liquid. Uhh pick up that. Pick that up.
CHERYL: My face.
AMIR: Pick that up.
CHERYL: My face.
AMIR: Pick that up.
CHERYL: My pussy.
Both Amir and Cheryl start moaning.
JAKE: Have either of you had sex before?
AMIR: Uhh, Despicable Meeeeeeee!
CHERYL: Unh, unh, unh, unh, unh, unh, unh, sex!
Cheryl hangs up the phone.
JAKE: This isn't gonna happen right.
CHERYL: No. I'm insane. (smiles)