Intro
Jake: Thanks for watching Jake and Amir!
Amir: Thanks for what?
Jake: Watching.
Amir: Yeeaahh.
Script
Jake: Flew a kite this weekend.
Amir: One second.
Jake: Soo sick.
Amir (On the phone now): Hello Village Realty! Yes, I am calling about your two-bedroom triplex on East 8th and 1st. She is a beaut. That's right, hot to trot and newsflash: I'm not! Heh. But the asking price is quite nice, 8k a month plus utilities.
Jake: Wow, expensive apartment.
Amir: Let me make you an offer you CAN refuse. Heh. I'm writing it down on a slip of paper and let me just know if this offends you.
(Amir holds up the piece of paper to the phone)
Jake: Hey that's not gonna work. It just won't work.
Amir: Okay I will take your silence to mean that you've accepted my counter of eleven dollars a month plus carte blanche access to your business center, that means you can't kick me out after midnight!
Jake: Business center?
Amir: Hello? Hello? Mm. Locked down another apartment dude.
Jake: I don't think you did.
Amir: Moving is tough though, my current place is kind of a dump.
Jake: Where is it?
Amir: It's the dump.
Jake: Oh, god that's sad.
Amir (Now on the phone again): Hello! Yes, Village Realty. Long time listener, second time caller: and I'm baller! Heh. Oscar the Grouch here speaking and I can say that 'cause I live in a fucking trash can.
Jake: You know what, I'm on the site right now, you can't afford any of these apartments.
Amir: I'm looking at one listing which is particularly cherry. Though on the contrary, it might be an apple, because it is that of my eye!
Jake: Bad.
Amir: I'm speaking of course of your seven bedroom quadplex overlooking Central Park West, asking price 38.9 million dollars, so let me do you one worse. Five dollars a month plus carte blanche access to your business center.
Jake: Drop the business center.
Amir: Yes, that is a very lowball offer, but if I'm doing my math correctly-
Jake: I guarantee you, you're not.
Amir: You are still netting a cool 1.9 million dollars in commission. Which may not seem like a lot to you but I live in a god damn trash heap so try not to rub it in my face. I already do that enough as is.
Jake: Hang up.
Amir (Speaking to Jake): Good call, power move. (Speaking to the phone) I'm going to hang up on you right now and you better call me back with a three letter answer: Nah.
Jake: Why do you live in a trash heap?
Amir: My last landlord was a coward and a thief. AKA: Me. That's right, you're looking at a modern day robin hood, I steal from the bitch and give to the whore.
Jake: I have no idea what you're saying. Ever.
Amir: Neither do I. Alls I know is that I can't afford first and last month, or any of the ones in between. Uh oh, I am blowing up.
Jake: Great.
Amir: Yellow is the color of my energy, hello?
Jake: Old song.
Amir (Speaking to Jake): They have a studio in Hell's Kitchen for nine seventy five a month.
Jake: Take it.
Amir (On the phone.): Go fuck yourself. I'LL TAKE IT. Hello? They hung up. They hung up on me.
Jake: Yeah but they hung up when you said go fuck yourself to them. Don't you have anybody that you can live with?
Amir: Oh, good call. (Dialing phone) Hey wanna do mimosas after work?
Jake: No, I don't. Hey, no don't do that. Don't shoehorn that in then act like I said yes.
Amir: We're on. Mickey my friend!
Jake: Jesus Christ.
Amir: I have a proposition for you Mickey. Yes, how would you like a new roommate my friend. That's right. That's right I am quiet, I am clean, and just between you and me, I bake a mean frittata.
Jake: Why do you want to keep that a secret just between you two?
Amir: How does 4,900 dollars a month sound Mickey? That's right, that's first, last, and security Mickey. We can finally start that organic garden Mickey. That's right, just me you and some fresh basil, just the way we always wanted Mickey. Alright excellent Mickey, that sounds great. That sounds great Mickey, come outside. Come outside and help me carry in this boxspring Mickey it looks heavier than it is Mickey. Are you outside, are you coming outside Mickey?
Jake: Why do you say his name this much?
Amir: You know why I'm not there Mickey? Because I'm not coming. I'm not gonna be your roommate Mickey. I live in a god damn trash heap and your rent was too damn high. Your mom's bringing us iced tea in mason jars? Well that doesn't sound like my dream! That doesn't sound like my idea of a good time Mickey. Hold on, I'm getting another call.
Jake: Make your phone calls in the conference room from now on.
Amir: Oscar the Grouch speaking. That's fine! That's fine I will vacate your trash heap at ten P.M. because you know why? I'll be looking down at that trash heap from Central Park fricken west for five dollars a month in a fricken business center!