Amir: Jake and Amir long story short--
Jake: Late.
Amir: Okay
(Amir walks in, wearing a USA outfit and holding a vuvuzela)
Jake: Six hours late--
Amir: Guess where I'm going today
Jake: I know where you think you're going, the Olympics, but you're not.
Amir: Correctanundo! The Olintics!
Jake: Why don't you say the reasons you think you're going to the Olympics, and I'll say the reasons you're not.
Amir: Speed.
Jake: No plane ticket.
Amir: Honor.
Jake: No event tickets.
Amir(pointing at USA emblem on jacket): U. SS. R.
Jake: You don't have a legal passport or birth certificate to travel anywhere.
Amir: You mean to tell me I have to buy shit.
Jake: Yeah, you do, and you're clearly not opposed to buying shit because I bet that costume wasn't cheap.
Amir: 330 euro, yeah, and that was without international shipping and processing!
Jake: Why would you ship that American costume internationally?
Amir: Because I was gonna pick it up in bloody old England, dumbass!
Jake: So what happened?!
Amir: Shit happened! Okay? Life got in the way!
Jake: Where do you get confidence from?
Amir: What?
Jake: Where do you get your confidence from?
Amir: Huh?
Jake: Can you not hear me?
Amir: No!
Jake: You're always wrong--
Amir: Yeah.
Jake: You're always wrong--
Amir: Okay.
Jake: Yet you're overflowing with confidence!
Amir: That's a humble brag.
(Several seconds of silence)
Jake: Go home.
Amir: I started a Twitter account!
Jake: Fine.
Amir: Oooh! I was gonna save it for you birthday!
Jake: It would've been a bad gift.
Amir: Yeah well wait 'til you hear what the username is!
Jake: What.
Amir: USA Rice!
Jake: How was that gonna be my birthday gift?
Amir: USARice is fun. He's fun and happy and he's positive and he's everything that I'm not and if you're just gonna shit on him then you're a grinch now.
Jake: Yup, here we go, first tweet: The sun is shining, the grass is green, and guess what's for breakfast? Anything is possible.
Amir(cutting him off): Anything is possible, yeah!
Jake: How is this a gift?!
Amir: Don't even make me feel a little bit bad about any of these tweets, okay! Otherwise I'll delete my entire freaking account.
Jake: Feel stupid about all of these tweets! Especially this one that says I'm from the USA but I'm voting for Rice. That's not fun or positive. That's just a bad tweet that you made.
Amir: Negative! Poison!
Jake: Go to the Olympics!
Amir: I wish I could, honestly, but you've been waterboarding me with so much haterade that I don't know if I can get my mojo going enough to bring me or the youth group to merry old Scotland!
Jake: England.
Amir: Close enough.
Jake: I guess, what youth group?
Amir: I sponsored a teen tour!
Jake: Stop yelling weird shit at me.
Amir: I'm supposed to chaperone 20 youngsters from all over the states and bring them to the Olympics.
Jake: You know what, I'm gonna call bullshit on that one too.
(Pan up to a group of children)
Kid: I can't wait to kiss Michael Phelps. As promised! (winks)
Jake: Wow, how many of you guys did he promise a kiss from Michael Phelps?
(All of them raise hands)
Amir: Liars!
Jake: Awful.
Kids(chanting): USA! USA! USA!
Amir: USSR! USSR!