INTRO
AMIR: [in a mellow, congested-sounding voice] Hey, you're watchin' Jake and Amir!
JAKE: Bad job with that.
AMIR: [still doing the voice] It's a new voice.
[Many people have gathered in a conference room. Amir is among them. He leans over to the guy beside him.]
AMIR: These meetings are awful.
[The co-worker smiles politely. Amir leans over again.]
AMIR: They always suck.
COWORKER (HARNOFF): ...I dunno. I-- I like 'em.
AMIR: The speakers are always a dumb or a chump.
COWORKER: I've had good experiences, and I've had bad...
[Amir makes a face and leans away. Then he pounds the table with his pen to get the room's attention, and stands up.]
AMIR: Alright. Listen up, everyone: I am your speaker. And despite what this guy thinks, [gestures toward the co-worker he wa talking to previously] I'm pretty damn good.
[The co-worker laughs nervously. Amir mocks his laughter.]
AMIR: Heheheheh, what're you laughing about, asshole? You just insulted me to my face!
CO-WORKER: But, I--
AMIR: But-I, but-I, buh-buh-buh-buh-butt-- You are a butt. You're a butt now. Leave.
CO-WORKER: Jesus! I-- I paid five hundred and ninety-five dollars for this seminar.
AMIR: Okay, how 'bout this: I'll pay you a thousand dollars to get out.
CO-WORKER: ...Okay.
AMIR: ...Fuck. Um... [pulls out a checkbook] yeah... is check fine, or...
CO-WORKER: Yeah. It's fine.
[Amir sighs.]
AMIR: Name?
CO-WORKER: Siggy... Harnoff.
AMIR: This is so fucked... Why, why, why am I doing this. [gives Harnoff the check.] Take this and get out of my face.
HARNOFF: Okay.
[He leaves.]
AMIR: Huh. Obviously not my finest moment, heheh. Does anyone know how to stop payment on a check?
CO-WORKER 2 (Gonny): Wh-why did you do that?
AMIR: Just shut up, okay? I'll-- I'll give you two thousand dollars to put a sock in it.
CO-WORKER 2: Fine.
AMIR: Oh my God, dammit! ...Name.
CO-WORKER 2: Gonny.
AMIR: Well, Gonny, must be your lucky day. [he passes the check to Gonny] Here. Before I put the checkbook away, does anyone else want money?
CO-WORKER 3: No, uh... we feel bad for you.
AMIR: Focus, group! Heh! No. Okay: what're we here to learn?
CO-WORKER 3: Search engine optimization.
AMIR: Exactly right. Now: what do I know about SEO? ...nothing. That's right: I'm not an authority on anything; fuck, guys, I'm not even a decent human being. Let's go to the presentation.
[Amir narrates the presentation while clicking through the slides.]
AMIR: [clicks to a blank screen] Blank slide, [clicks to a blank picture reading TEST IMAGE] test image, [clicks to a blank screen again] blank slide. It should be a surprise to none of you that I don't know how to work a computer.
[Amir clicks to a censored picture of his head Photoshopped onto the body of a topless, large-breasted woman. Gonny walks out.]
AMIR: So, that took me three years.
[Jake walks in.]
JAKE: Hey, everybody, sorry to interrupt-- okay, weird picture--
AMIR: Yeah.
JAKE: Just ran into a lady who was supposed to give a marketing lecture here. She said she was accosted in the elevator. Yeah, a skinny nerd tried to push her into the wall, failed, then started crying, and offered to cut her a four-thousand-dollar check to keep the whole thing under wraps.
AMIR: Huh...
JAKE: He said he didn't want everybody to know he was a punk bitch who couldn't even yoke up a forty-five-year-old dame with a heart of cold.
AMIR: Guys, listen up: Ten thousand dollars to the person who can find that perp and bring him to me, dead or alive.
JAKE: It was you.
AMIR: Correctimundo! Ten thousand for the private eye. [begins writing a check] ...Name?
END