[Introduction]
JAKE and AMIR: Hi, you're watching Jake and Amir!
AMIR: Told you that would suck!
JAKE: It was fine.
AMIR: I agree.
(College Humor staff sitting in a board room)
VINCENT: Hey guys, thanks for coming. Let's start the table read
AMIR: Oh, you mean the anal bead
(silence)
MURPH: (laughs and whispers to Emily) It rhymed
VINCENT: I meant the table read. It's when we read the scripts that were written this week, at this table, and then I get a sense of how to direct them.
AMIR: I am the weakest link, goodnight. (looks at jake for reaction)
VINCENT: Amir, let's start with your script because it is by far
AMIR: (interrupting) The most viral!
VINCENT: The longest is what I was going to say
AMIR: It reads fast
VINCENT: It doesn't. You wanna pick your cast?
AMIR: Yes! Okay... Jake, why don't you play Darrel McMexican
JAKE: Such an offensive name.
AMIR: He's like a rogue CIA agent with a heart of cold.
JAKE: But McMexican?
AMIR: (To Emily) And Julia, why don't you play his girlfriend, Pussy Sandwich, which works since that's your actual name.
EMILY: Emily. (Amir gives confused look) My name is Emily.
AMIR: Right, what did I say?
EMILY: Julia and then Pussy Sandwich
AMIR: Yes, I think we're saying the same thing?
EMILY: No
AMIR: Are we not?
VINCENT: (butting in) Alright, let's just get started.
AMIR: And improvise! Have fun with it! But, stick to the script. That's the most fun you can have. You know, I'm married to the script. (whispering) But I'm willing to cheat. (laughs)
VINCENT: Okay, um... (Reading Amir's script) Interior: doesn't matter. Day. A shot of an empty room for three hours. (To Amir) We can't do that.
AMIR: Well, we'll see. (winks)
VINCENT: (reading) In stumbles our hero, Darrel McMexican. He looks just like Jake, a buff and a cool.
JAKE: (reading) My heart, it's cold. I can't breathe.
AMIR: (exasperated) CUT. Sorry...um, yeah. You're improvising.
JAKE: First of all, you said we could
AMIR: Which is fine, yeah
JAKE: Second of all, I'm not improvising.
VINCENT: (coughing to get everyone's attention) (reading) As Darrel grabs his heart, not just his chest but literally he grabs his heart, his girlfriend enters. 81 years young, jet black hair, like a jet, has Pussy Sandwich for a name.
EMILY: (reading) Darrel, Darrel, Darrel McMexican, how are you?
AMIR: You're improvising a little too much for my liking , but that's fine.
JAKE: She's not improvising at all.
EMILY: (reading) It's me. Pussy, Pussy Sandwich. I'm buxom and blonde as the sun.
MURPH: Awesome babe, that was so hot
(Emily licks Murph's hand, Murph glares at Jake)
JAKE: (reading) I look at you and I want to know more about you. Are you a foodie?
AMIR: Okay, okay, great. So here comes the emotional crux of the whole...piece as it were. Please, as alway's improvise, adlib, yeah, but (pounds the table to get his point across) verbatim! I can't stress that enough. Stick to the script.
VINCENT: (reading confusedly) Pussy Sandwich let's out a high pitched queef. We can't hear it, but everyone knows it's there for sure. Dogs from around the city start sprinting to McMexican's apartment. We hear thuds, barking, pounding. These dog's wanna get in and see what's what. They know it's coming from Pussy. (incredibly confused) What they don't know is how or why.
AMIR: (smiling) Wow...
EMILY: (Murph is angrily staring back and forth at Jake and Emily. Jake is shaking his head in denial) Kiss me you fool, taste my tongue, you gaylord fool. My hair is as red as a green apple.
MURPH: (angrily at Jake) WOAH!
JAKE: (defensively) W..W...What!? Dude!
MURPH: (irate) TASTE MY TONGUE!?!
JAKE: (scared) SHE'S TALKING SHE SAID IT!
MURPH: (interrupting) Are you REALLY talking to my girl like that!?!? Are you REALLY!?!?!
JAKE: I'm not talking to her at all! She was talking to me!
(Murph throws his shirt off)
MURPH: YOU ARE! YOU ARE! OK!
JAKE: (on the verge of tears) I DIDN'T EVEN WRITE THIS, AMIR WROTE THIS!
MURPH: (to Amir) Oh yeah, what's going on here!?
AMIR: He was improvising.
JAKE: I DIDN'T IMPROVISE!
(Murph punches Jake square in the face and holds his head to the table)
MURPH: Your ass is mine McMexican! Your ass is MIIIIINNNNNNEEEEEEEUUUUUUAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
JAKE: (crying) What the fuck man!
END SCENE
(Murph and Emily alone)
MURPH: I don't know what happened back there. I just... I lost it. I love you so much.
EMILY: I love you too.
MURPH: And I just feel like I need to work on my anger problems...
EMILY: (interrupting) No, no, if anything (walking towards Murph and grabbing his abs) I want you to be angrier, crazier. Can you do that for me?
(Piano starts playing)
MURPH: (in a deep, agitated voice) Absolutely.
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