[Intro]
AMIR: Hey, you're watching - let's keep it at that!
JAKE: Let's say our names-
AMIR: Oh, NOW you care!
[AMIR walks up to JAKE.]
AMIR: Jake.
JAKE: Hey.
AMIR: Can I trust you?
JAKE: Yeah, why?
[AMIR stiffens up and falls backwards.]
JAKE: No- DUDE!
[AMIR lands hard on the floor.]
AMIR: You must feel like such shit, I trusted you and you let me down!
JAKE: No, not really.
AMIR: I'll tell you how you can make it up to me.
JAKE: I just told you I didn't feel bad.
AMIR: I registered at Sky Mall!
JAKE: Are you even hurt?
AMIR: Emotionally?
JAKE: No.
AMIR: Yes. Physically?
JAKE: Yes.
AMIR: No.
AMIR + JAKE: ...What?
AMIR: I sent you the registry, dude! Just get me something off of it and we'll call it Even Steven Segal.
JAKE: Yeah, I'm not gonna get you anything off of the Jake Fucked Me registry.
AMIR: I don't know why not, 'cause you did!
JAKE: Why do you even want a Nunsmere Bronze Elephant Trunk Sconce?
AMIR: I'm sexy and I know it!
JAKE: This is extor-
AMIR: Girl look at my body!
JAKE: What you're doing right now-
AMIR: Girl look at my body!
JAKE: It's legally blackma-
[AMIR now has a pair of sunglasses on.]
AMIR: Girl look at my body!
[Long pause.]
JAKE: I have all the time-
[AMIR has regular glasses again.]
AMIR: I work out!
JAKE: Here's a question, what are you gonna do if I DON'T get you a gift?
AMIR: MURPH!
JAKE: Aaaiieeeurgh! Chill, man!
[MURPH walks up to JAKE.]
MURPH: What's going on here, guys?
JAKE: Dude, yeah right, no way.. Nothing.
MURPH: You didn't, uh... You didn't catch Amir there, huh?
JAKE: You know what, Murph? I've been working out, so I've got news for you: You come at me, I'm gonna run away so fast, that I'm gonna tell on you!
MURPH: ..Are you a bitch, Jake?
JAKE: No!
AMIR: Yeah.
JAKE: Yeah, I don't know, what do you.. what do you want me to say?
MURPH: If you're a bitch, I think you should tell EVERYBODY that you're a bitch.
AMIR: Agreed.
JAKE (quietly): Come on, man, I'm- I'm a bitch, what do you want?
MURPH: Say it... like I didn't TELL you to say it.
[Pause. Jake looks nervous.]
AMIR: Say it.
JAKE: I'm a bitch, I'm a bitch, come on!
MURPH: When you say come on, it sounds like you're saying it for me. Don't say it for me! I don't want to hear it! EVERYONE wants to hear that you're a bitch, Jake!
[Brief pause.]
MURPH: Say it.
JAKE: I'M A BITCH! I AM, I REALLY AM! I'M A BITCH, OKAY?! I'M A HUGE FRIGGIN BITCH! Are you happy?
MURPH: Now you buy me and Amir that bronze elephant trunk wall sconce, and we call it Even Steve Seagal.
JAKE: Come on, you want one too?
MURPH: THEY'RE TASTEFUL AS FUCK, BRO. You got a problem?
JAKE: Okay, this is bullying, and I DO have to take it!
[JAKE chuckles.]
JAKE: But you know what? I'm drawing the line, AND I AIN'T BUYING YOU YA GUYSES WALL SCONCES, alright?
[JAKE pulls out his wallet.]
JAKE: Here's my wallet, you can use my money, but you're buying your own damn sconce! Think fast.
[JAKE tosses his wallet in the air. MURPH slams it into the floor, near AMIR. AMIR flinches.]
JAKE: Weak, dude! Weak!
MURPH: Fall back. Trust me.
JAKE: No, no-one's gonna catch me!
AMIR: I did it!
MURPH: Cross your arms and fall backwards. Trust me.
JAKE: Fine, fine, just let me take off my studded belt.
MURPH: Oh, god...
JAKE: I'm only wearing it because it's laundry day!
MURPH: You wash your belts?
JAKE: Do you want me to fall, or not?
MURPH: Put it on inside out.
JAKE: WEAK!
[JAKE puts the belt on inside out.]
MURPH: Next notch.
[JAKE puts the belt onto the next notch.]
MURPH: NEXT. NOTCH.
JAKE: Dude, it really kills.
MURPH: Suck in.
[JAKE sucks in his gut and puts it on the next notch. He groans loudly.]
MURPH: Now fall.
[JAKE prepares himself, then falls. MURPH somehow appears behind him and catches him. Dramatic music plays.]
MURPH: I will ALWAYS catch you, Jake.
[MURPH stares into the distance.]
JAKE: ...What the fu-
END
(Link to Episode)