JAKE: how did you get past the screening process? You can't be healthy enough to give blood
AMIR: yeah I guess my six blood diseases cancel each other out... {Laughs} No- I lied on my form
JAKE: do you really have six blood diseases?
AMIR: I lied on my form!
AMIR: ooh this really freakin kills right now but Ii know it's worth it to help the less fortunate
JAKE: what are you talking about? The nurse is cleaning your skin he hasn't stuck a needle in you yet
AMIR: needle? Oh..oh OH MY GOD! OH FUCK THE LESS FORTUNATE I HATE THE POOR I HATE THE POOR I HATE THE POOR!
JAKE: hey man your blood is like clear and orange what blood type are you?
AMIR: O positive. As in oh I'm positive that's 95 per cent pizza grease
*{Amir gets out cigarette and lighter}
JAKE: Oh my God put that away! What are you doing?
AMIR: what? is there are law against cigarette indoors while donating blood?
JAKE: yeah I think a lot of laws
AMIR: against it though?
JAKE: Yes I said against
AMIR: ever heard of the universal donor? Well I'm the universal boner. {Laugh turns into choking} feel my heart
JAKE: {puts hand on Amir's chest} what's up? Oh yeah.. That's a.. that's a flutter
AMIR: yeah.. That's a flutter
AMIR: {Holding a cigarette and a lighter} one puff
JAKE: wrong way. One direction right?
AMIR: there's no wrong way. Just one direction.
JAKE: I saw an image on Reddit today.
AMIR: oh?
JAKE: {continues} of a guy jerking off in the subway
AMIR: ah yeah..
JAKE: yeah and face was blurred out but I swear to God it was you
AMIR: first of all it was a bus not the subway and second of all, it wasn't me?
JAKE: it's too late for that second of all
AMIR: yeah..
AMIR: favourite part about donating blood?
JAKE: I guess the feeling of giving?
AMIR: really? That's my least favourite part
JAKE: I know I saw the t-shirt
AMIR: {lifts up t-shirt that says: the worst part of giving blood is the feeling of giving} Oh yeah!
JAKE: you have to stop making those shirts. They're mean and you're not good
AMIR: really? {Lifts up t-shirt to reveal another t-shirt that says: I'm not good} talk to the shirt!
JAKE: how do you do that so fast?
AMIR: let me answer your question with another shir.. {Lifts up t-shirt but there's no more} Oh I thought I had another one that said I'm fast
JAKE: {with hand on Amir's chest} Yo, I haven't felt anything in like, thirty seconds
AMIR: I know right?
AMIR: Is it true that just by donating a pint of blood you can save a dozen lives and over the course of my life I can save a busload of children?
JAKE: yeah that's true
AMIR: and yet it ain't worth it {laughs}
JAKE: I'm actually getting a little light headed
AMIR: Oh my God pussy. Pussy for that!
JAKE: no you fainted. Twice. Once for twenty minutes and once for an hour. Woke up, saw the needle and started crying. You also pissed yourself.
AMIR: spoken like a true nanny
JAKE: you came here in a skirt
*{camera pans down to reveal Amir in a mini-skirt and pans back up}
AMIR: they're called jeans.
JAKE: For real, you and I have known each other for a really long time and I'm just {fist pump} yeah.. I'm like racking my brain right now trying to come up with just one nice thing you've ever done for anybody
AMIR: just drop it okay?
AMIR: hey check it out I'm a cannibal vampire. {Takes Jake's tube and sucks it}
JAKE: OH MY GOD. du..du..du..dude STOP
AMIR: hehe
JAKE: I'm sorry to harp on it but you're just not a good guy and you have an ugly personality and a *black heart
AMIR: yeah I know, I know. I'm gonna make a change- don't worry
JAKE: you won't make a change that's the worst part you're selfish, you're stupid and you're mean.
AMIR: yeah I know I suck I'm sorry
AMIR: all right all done! Time to pay up!
JAKE: we're at a blood bank man we do it for free
AMIR: what? There's places that'll pay you and we went to one for free?!
JAKE: try to be happy that we did a good deed
AMIR: how can I be happy knowing that we helped the less fortunate and I don't even have any cheddar to show for it?!