INTRO
JAKE: You're watching Jake and Amir!
AMIR: Oh, you say my name wrong so your mom doesn't know about us!
JAKE: What?
(Amir is in a restaurant alone)
AMIR: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hi. Just wanted to check in on the status of my meal. I ordered it and now I'm feeling lonely and horny without it.
WAITRESS: Yep! (nervous laugh) Chicken fried nuggets!
AMIR: Yeah.
WAITRESS: Medium rare.
AMIR: Eee!
WAITRESS: And a martini.
AMIR: Ehh.
WAITRESS: I just took your order less than thirty seconds ago, so it's gonna be about fifteen minutes.
AMIR: Cool, and if you care to join me, you can.
WAITRESS: Oh, actually I can't, I'm not allowed to-
AMIR: -But you want to?
WAITRESS: I'm not allowed to, nor would I want to.
AMIR: (makes cat sound) Fair enough.
WAITRESS: Excuse me. (walks away)
AMIR: Why, did you fart? No, okay.
AMIR: To tweet or not to tweet, that is the question.
AMIR: (on phone) Hey Jake it's me, I'm at P.G.I. Fugley's. Come on by! Later.
AMIR: (on phone) Hey Micah, it's Amir. Your brother did not pick up the phone. I assume he's dead. I'm sorry to have to tell you that, but he's probably long gone. If you hear from him, have him call me, okay? I'm at P.G.I. Fugley's. Bye.
AMIR: (on phone) Mrs. Hurwitz, Amir freaking, no, speaking. Both your sons are being coward factories. Have them call me back immediately.
AMIR: (on phone) Shirley, hi, uh, Amir, from Connecticut Police Department. Um, I have reason to believe that your neighbor, or I know for a fact that all of your neighbors are dead.
(The waitress brings Amir his martini)
AMIR: Oh! And if it's not too much trouble, it is my birthday, so...
WAITRESS: Oh, happy birthday! (tries to walk away)
AMIR: (grabs waitress' arm) Yeah, well. I don't know if you guys do the singing and dancing and clappin' and all that jazz, but...
WAITRESS: Uh, usually for parties.
AMIR: (points to himself) Party of one.
WAITRESS: Okay, I guess we could. Just give me a second.
AMIR: Thanks, doll, appreciate it!
WAITRESS: (walks away) Yeah, don't call me that!
AMIR: Didn't, no. (on phone) Mr. Hurwitz, hi. Amir Blumenfeld here. Sorry to tell you, but your wife is a tramp, and your sons are a coward. Call me back at 1-900-How 'bout ya don't!
(the wait staff approaches Amir's table with a slice of cake)
WAITRESS: Ready? Okay!
WAIT STAFF: (singing) Happy birthday, yeah! Happy birthday, yeah! It's your birthday, yeah! What's your name?
(Amir shakes his head)
WAIT STAFF: (singing) How old are you?
AMIR: No.
WAITRESS #2: Let's break it down now.
WAITRESS #3: My name is Jessica; I'm a Gemini!
WAITER: My name is Terrence; I'm adopted!
AMIR: D for effort. That felt forced. Leave the cake and get out of my face. Chloe, you can stay, but only if you want to!
WAITRESS: I'm good.
(Wait staff leaves. Jake walks up to Amir's table)
JAKE: Hey, hey dude. Are you alright?
AMIR: Scared to join me? (attempt at a scary laugh) Moo-oo-ahh-ahh-ahh!
JAKE: You tweeted you were gonna kill yourself in a P.G.I. Fugley's bathroom!
AMIR: Shame.
JAKE: Yeah, you are. Will you stop calling my family? Okay? Did you- (blows out candle on Amir's cake) Did you tell them it was your brithday?
AMIR: If you're asking whether or not I got a free cake-
JAKE: -I'm not.
AMIR: -I did.
JAKE: Sad.
AMIR: Okay, you know what? (slaps his leg) Park it. Right here, brother!
JAKE: No, I'm not gonna sit on your lap!
WAITRESS: (to Jake) Can I get you something?
AMIR: (starts crying) Yeah! He's gonna have the same thing as me, and it's his birthday, so sit on his face!