Jake: Hey, you are watching Jake and Amir.
Amir: Ahh, from the top, from the top!
Jake: Why?
Amir: I missed it!
[Jake is sitting at his desk. Amir walks to his seat with an ancient scroll, sits down, and unrolls it]
Jake: Hey dude, kinda weirded out that you asked my mom out on a date over Facebook.
Amir: Top Ten Beers to Chug, by Amir Valerie Hurwitz.
Jake: Don't.....
Amir: Oh yeahh!
Jake: Look, she just signed up for Facebook, and the first thing she gets is a request from you saying that the two of you guys are in a relationship.
Amir: Number ten! PBR? Give me CPR! I just drowned in bliss! One can for this fun man, and I'm about to rock out with your cock out! Cock-a-doodle yours!
Jake: I don't wanna rock out like that.
Amir: Neither do I! Number nine: feeling fine, with any tall boy or cold one I can find. Lists are meaningless when you love that golden oat soda as much as I do! [Pause] Booze!
Jake: My mom is married.... to my dad.... and they're both kind of freaked out about that message that you sent her.
Amir: Number eight: feeling grand!
Jake: Should've said great, right?
Amir: Don't interrupt me cause I'm eighty deep down in that vodka and red bull like it's my snob.... that's a beer!
Jake: No it's not.... it's vodka and red bull.... stop....
Amir: Seventh heaven! Nantucket Cisco Brewery Whale's Tail Pale Ale for this frail gale, gets me off the rails.... for rail!
Jake: That's a solid rhyming effort, but I really just wish you didn't send my mom a picture of you with your penis tucked behind your legs, with the caption "Another day at the
races," crossed out, "Another gay in my braces," crossed out, "Another day in your graces," crossed out....
Amir: Number 666, the devil's number for God's creation! Got a Heinie in one hand, and a Heinie in the other! She's got a buttock so firm, you can slap her without telling her about it first!
Jake: That is not the case, ever! And look, real quick, just as an aside, explain why you wrote all this on a scroll? Like on some ancient scroll that you seem to have?
Amir: Five, who cares? So long as it's in a glass or a can, you can kiss my ass, with a fan! Any beer will do when you're nose deep in that ish like Winnie the Bear!
Jake: Pooh!
Amir: She's a bear!
Jake: She's a he!
Amir: She's a he!
Jake: It doesn't matter, you know what? Because my dad just emailed me. You're spamming his Facebook wall with big dick porn! I mean how dare you?
Amir: Number four: a simple Rose.
Jake: Not a beer.....
Amir: Number three, for me, is anything free! I'm talking about what a patron doesn't finish at the bar, I'm chugging that bitch, and running real far!
Jake: Terrible way to live your life! Make a change!
Amir: Numero duo: this glass is cracked, on your ass crack. I'm talking a Newcastle for this Jew rascal. One and, uh, not done.... I want two!
Jake: Stop yelling.
Amir: Number one!
Jake: I'm just gonna go ahead and guess that it's either not a beer or it doesn't matter....
Amir: It. Don't. Matter. So long as I'm slurping it with the woman of my dreams....
Jake: My mom?
Amir: My mom!
Jake: Wait, my mom or your mom?
Amir: Your mom!