Jake and Amir Rap Teacher (Part 3 with Hoodie Allen)
Hoodie and Amir listening to the song Amir just recorded in the studio
Amir: How was that?
Hoodie: You tell me.
Amir (rapping): Aardvark cum is froze like ice. Don't touch it's freezing, eat my vice, seamen colder than the coldest night. Aardvark dick juice gives frost bite. It's cold, real cold.
Music stops
Amir: Hah! Was the dick juice thing to crass, you know want this to be something my one year nephew can listen to.
Hoodie: He can, like he can.
Amir: Yeah, I thought so too, I just wanted to make sure...
Hoodie: Look Amir, this track is huge.
Amir: Huge like jackman, I wanna step back man. Aardvark jizz is fast like mac ram. It's Cold too, it' freezing, it's absolutely frigid..
Hoodie: woah, woah, woah, save it for the next track man, we got a lot of work to do!
They High five and Hug.
Jake: Hey, Hey, Hey! Y'all losers can't record a song without a bomb! Effa effa effa bumf Ass Chorus!
Amir: What's an ass chorus?
Jake: Bomb ass I said!
Hoodie: You gotta leave man...
Jake: Not till you hear this chorus! - Beat starts- Mary J Blidge ain't got nothin' on these pipes and speakin' of pipes I'm high. I'm high, I'm hiiiiighhhhh!
Hoodie: That was just awful.
Amir: Awful, bad maybe.
Jake: Why don't you try better?
Hoodie: I already did it- plays track- Yo, what sound does an aardvark make. I'll tell you one thing, when it comes, it shakes, a freezing vibration in your nose and teeth, an arctic chill every time it queefs. Ah ah I'm an aardvark, ah ah I'm an aardvark-
Jake: Cut, cut. Way too original, way too loud. Amir, whose chorus did you like better?
Amir: Hoodie's...
Jake: Better or worse, specify you stupid shit!
Amir: You said which one do you like better, I said hoodie's, how is that not specific, I liked his better.
Jake: Okay a denny's for your tots, cos' this next one's about to be a grand slam.
Hoodie: Just talk normal.
Jake: Dude, I'm about to okay. This next one is a diss track to both y'all and you deserve it. Hoodie a beat.
Hoodie: Out, get out!
Jake: Not till you hear this! - Beat starts- Ahhh, I only need one shot, one job, one take, one chance to come at you, I don't need take two, I'm one take Jake! I'm and I'm...startin' it over. One sec.
Amir: But you said you only need one shot.
Jake: Now I only need one shot, here it is. Three wishes genie? Nah, I only need one, one punch, one hunch, I'm a spitfire and I never start over! And I ahhh, fuck, alright.
Hoodie: The song is a lie.
Jake: So is star wars doofus, or do you think that really happened? It's called art imitating wife. Showing diamond engagement ring
Amir: How?
Jake: He liked it and he put a ring on it oh oh oh oh oh etc (singing single ladies).
Amir: Yep, I'm wondering how you got the ring.
Jake: I robbed a fiance, I robbed her okay, call me out on it like a chump why don't you? Why don't we just see who gets famous first. Arrivadorchies! (Jake leaves)
Three Weeks Later
Radio presenter: Okay you guys are clamouring for it, here it is, one more time, Hoodie Allen featuring Amir Valerie Blumenfeld, this one is not for whatever reason on Hoodie Allen's All American EP coming out today, april 10th, it's called three wishes genie!
The song/rap: Three wishes genie? Nah, I only need one, one punch, one hunch, a spitfire and I never start over! Sorry, let me start over, let me start over. I only got three wishes tonight, I'm so cold, I'm covered in aardvark cum (J:NOOOO!) Hey girl yeah I wish I had...
Robbed fiance and police officer enter College Humour building
Fiance: That's him! That's the guy that stole my ring!
Jake: NOOO!
Police Officer: Come with me.
Jake: I, eh, one second (struggling)
Police Officer: Oh, this is a good song.
Jake: NOOOO!