INTRO
Amir- Hey you're watching Jake and-A BEAR? What the hell is that?
Jake- Focus, man.
AMIR: No!
JAKE: What?
AMIR: None of your business, alright? My little cousin sent me this questionnaire to fill out over email because he has to do a profile on somebody he respects for his journalism class.
JAKE: Why'd you say none of my business and then immediately answer my question?
AMIR: Will you help me answer these questions or not? I just forwarded you the email.
JAKE: Yeah, you did: (reading email) amir@dailydizzydinkydeals.com, you gotta change that email address.
AMIR: Thanks for the tip! (snickers) Seriously, thank you for the tip, but can you help me out, please?
JAKE: What's so hard about the survey? (reads email) What are some characteristics of a good employee at
your company?
AMIR: I mean I hate to say this ... but throwing lit matches on people while they're taking a dump.
JAKE: You should hate to say that. Everybody else hates when you do it. (reading from email) Where do you see yourself in five years?
AMIR: Just say 'Go fuck yourself'.
JAKE: Why does your cousin respect you?
AMIR: Is that in there?
JAKE: You said it! Right up top, you said your cousin had to do a profile on somebody he respects.
AMIR: Is the question on the questionnaire?
JAKE: -And you just said 'Go fuck yourself' to him. What grade is he in?
AMIR: Third, he's repeating the third grade.
JAKE: You know what, Where do you see yourself in five years? let's write 'dead', and hope for the best, right?
AMIR: (shrugs) Yeah.
JAKE: (reading from email) How important was your high school education in getting your job? Do you think it's important for high-schoolers to take their education seriously?
AMIR: Stop that right there-
JAKE: -I was done.
AMIR: -Let me answer that question with a rap: (plays beat on computer)
Math? Ha! Math was crap.
If you wanna know why, then steal a hen.
Learning shit is for nerds and jocks.
Don't believe me? Ask my uncle.
Green, blue, brown, and red.
Go to school and you regret it.
I got ninety nine problems, and a bitch (makes eating gesture) ate one.
(looks at Jake expectantly)
JAKE: Jesus Christ, that was the worst thing I've ever heard in my entire life.
AMIR: (quietly) I know...
JAKE: You don't know. You couldn't possibly know how bad it was because if you did, you probably would've
never attempted to say it in front of anybody.
AMIR: News flash! (lifts shirt to expose his hairy nipples)
JAKE: Oh, shave 'em!
AMIR: That only took me a week. Yeah, I did that over the course of several weekends, so who feels bad now?
JAKE: You should.
AMIR: I do.
JAKE: (quoting Amir) Math was crap / If you wanna know why, then steal a hen.
AMIR: Bad.
JAKE: What an awful, ugly pair of sentences. Yeah, bad!
AMIR: -Agreed, agreed.
JAKE: -You agree? Why'd you do it?
AMIR: At best? It sucked.
JAKE: Dude, I feel bad for you! I legit feel bad for you; that was like one of the simplest things I've ever seen
you struggle with.
AMIR: I know, the beat sucked shit, too.
JAKE: No it didn't, the beat was fine.
AMIR: Okay, good, because my cousin Leeron came up with it. I'm glad he did something right. (snickers)
JAKE: Did he come up with the rap?
AMIR: No, that was all me.
JAKE: So it sounds like he did everything right, and you did everything wrong.
AMIR: Mhm.
JAKE: I think I have to turn off my computer and just go home, that really ruined my day.
AMIR: Yeah, it was suck suck. I think, I think I'm gonna have to turn off my computer and go home too, I mean I
feel bad about myself.
JAKE: (shakes head)
AMIR: Beat was crap, the rap was crap-
JAKE: -Beat was fine, beat was good! Rap was really bad.
AMIR: Absolutely-Hey! You're preaching to the chair.
JAKE: Why couldn't you think of a rhyme for crap?
(Pat storms in)
PAT: You! (points to Amir) Are you fucking insane? You threw a match at me while I was taking a dump!