AMIR: Hey, you're watching an all-new episode--
JAKE: Time's running out.
AMIR: I can finish it if--
(AMIR opens bathroom door and walks into a stall, sitting on the toilet)
AMIR: (thinking) 'Will you just go to the bathroom? Will you just go to the bathroom?' Just once I'd like to go to the bathroom not because he's telling me but because I made the decision myself. Jake is chill as shit, but sometimes he's a nerd. I don't even have to go, it's like--(gas)--Oh, oh no. Wow, a little gas. Nothing to see here! -- (AMIR begins to shit, putting his hands on either side of the stall in clear pain). Oh no, here we go. Ohhh, mmmm, oh my God, (poops) poops I shitted again! Wow, that felt big! I'm gonna look down just in a case it's a-- holy shit, yeah, oh my (bleep) that's a record breaker. Three footer, easy, four soaking wet, two dry, two and a half moist, no coil either, just a straight shot. Thicker than a soda can, too. My God, it looks like a boa constrictor trying to get out of a septic tank. I'm a hero and a cool. I gotta snap a pic. W-w-wait! The minute I turn around to snap a pic, the toilet is gonna automatically flush! No! Oh my God! Stop crying, stop crying--okay, cry, cry, let it out, you deserve this! You don't cry that much and even if you did no one would begrudge these tears! Just cry, let it all out, then move past it! Okay okay okay, think! Think think think, you idiot. There's gotta be a way to snag a pic without getting up. Go through your legs. (AMIR tries) Nope, too dark. It's too fricken dark. Ugh, unbelievable. You caught a seventy pound bass and you have to throw it back before (AMIR punches stall wall) anybody even gets to behold its beauty! Good luck bragging about something that doesn't even exist! It looks like ten brown slinkies glued together and nobody's gonna believe a goddamn thing. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
PAT: (at urinal) Are you okay in there, man? It smells like cheese and gasoline.
AMIR: No, I'm not okay! I just gave birth to a brown elephant trunk and I'm afraid I'm gonna lose her to the great unknown!
PAT: (holds nose) Oh my God, that is ripe! (leaves)
AMIR: (thinking) Just stand up! Just stand up and do it, you coward! There's no way that log's getting flushed down anyway! No, no, no, greater fortunes have been lost on less risky propositions! You have to be rational here!
(AMIR pulls out his phone and calls JAKE)
AMIR: Jake, listen, it's me--don't hang up, don't hang up, don't hang up, okay? I don't want you to do anything weird, I just need you to come over here and put your hand over the sensor so I can stand up and take a picture of my enormous dump. Hello, hello? Ugh!
AMIR: (thinking) Dildo! He's a dildo! Ugh! Think, think think think. Uh. This is what you have to do. Take off your shirt and pants, put them over the motion sensor so that it still thinks you're still sitting down, and stand up and take the pic right away! Ha! (claps in head) This makes me a genius, official genius and a cool. From now on nobody will think of Amir Blumenfeld as the guy who couldn't take a shit the size and girth of twelve rubber hoses banded together and dipped and brown paint, no! But rather as a pimp and a philosopher. The best two things you can be.
(a MAN walks into the bathroom; upon smelling AMIR's stench, he immediately runs out)
AMIR: (thinking) Okay, here we go, Hurwitz. Turn around and snag the pic. Your life as you know it will officially change. Promise me this. Whatever people say, you'll stay humble. (aloud) I promise. (thinking) Three, two, one...
(AMIR stands up and tries to take the picture. His shirt, pants, and cell phone all are flushed, as well as his enormous dump)
AMIR: Oh no! No, no, no!
(new scene, back at the office. JAKE is working. AMIR walks in without shirt and pants on and sits down at his chair.)
AMIR: By the way, I know what you're gonna say, but don't bother because I promised myself I'd stay humble, also, thanks for the bathroom suggestion, comprende. Guess what, didn't have to go-ohhh...
COLLEGE HUMOR