AMIR: Hey, you're watching Evan and John.
JAKE: Nope, they're not.
AMIR: Jake and Ryan?
JAKE: Closer.
AMIR: Yes!
(JAKE is working at a table inside of a room. AMIR approaches the door from the other side, hitting his face against the door. JAKE looks up as AMIR falls to the ground.)
(jump scene)
AMIR: Okay, year 5 of our March Brad--er--oh! Fuck, I'm concussed. (laughs)
(jump scene)
AMIR: Michican? More like Michi-can't! I'm sorry, straight to the final four with ya!
JAKE: It's MichiGAN, not MichiCAN, and why 'straight to the final four with ya'?
AMIR: Huh?
(jump scene)
AMIR: Kentucky will be getting lucky... in N'awlins.
JAKE: Well, they're a number one seed, so it wouldn't really be getting lucky--
AMIR: Sorry, did I say unlucky? I meant getting lucky. (AMIR nudges JAKE's elbow with his own and smiles knowingly)
JAKE: You said getting lucky.
(pause)
AMIR: So compliment me.
(jump scene)
AMIR: Can-tucky? More like (AMIR waves his hand under his nose) 'Can't, yucky!' (Amir begins hitting the table, his finger pointed, and speaks in an accent) Straight to the final four with ya!
JAKE: What is wrong with you? You have to write down a winner each round. You can't have an arrow going from round one--
AMIR: Straight to the final four with ya! Yeah!
(jump scene)
AMIR: Need I remind you I picked every single upset last year.
JAKE: You only picked upsets last year. Sixteens over ones, fifteens over twos.
AMIR: Yeah, and how did I finish?
JAKE: In our work pool, you finished dead last.
AMIR: (in disbelief) How? I picked every single upset!
JAKE: (with AMIR) Every single upset.
AMIR: Yeah, okay. So I didn't--what did I finish in?
JAKE: Last!
(jump scene)
AMIR: You know what, no, I wanna be funny on Youtube.
JAKE: Just focus on this!
AMIR: You're right, sorry.
(jump scene)
AMIR: UCONN? More like U CON'T! Straight to the final whore--mmm--four with ya!
(jump scene)
AMIR: Will you rate and subscribe?
JAKE: No, I won't. You know why? 'Cause your one video on there is nine-and-a-half minutes long and it's you psyching yourself up to eat a ghost pepper, which you never do. At the nine minute mark, you faint from fear. You know, you don't even have to upload that video, right?
(jump scene)
AMIR: Bellmont? (scoffs) That sounds like the name of a dumb dog. 'Come here Bellmont! Come here Bellmont! Ah, you dumb mutt.' (laughs) Right? Right? Right?
JAKE: You know, I was trying to ignore you, but since you're pressing me for an answer, no, not right. It's really stupid.
AMIR: Holy shit, you're negative.
(jump scene)
AMIR: (reading) 'You know how we play 'Would You Rather'? Cavemen used to play 'Would You Gather'.' That is a bad tweet.
JAKE: That is why I almost didn't tweet it! Wow, I'm gonna delete it! (searches for phone) Where's my fucking phone, dude?
AMIR: It's in your pocket--
JAKE: This is my wallet!
(jump scene)
JAKE: You know what, I don't even think they're gonna let you participate if you don't pay back the money you owe from the last four March Madness pools.
AMIR: What? What are you talking about? Suck my dick, okay, I ponied up the dough!
JAKE: No you didn't! Let's look back just last year. You were mathematically eliminated after the first day. You begged Johnson Hussey for your money back, when he finally gave it to you, you said, Keep the change you filthy animal. I'ma buy back in at a G. You submitted what turned out to be a perfect bracket and a thousand dollars in cash--
AMIR: (quietly, doodling): Thank you.
JAKE: Then you showed up, rolling on E to our office party for the finals. You shredded the money, tore up your bracket and pissed on Sunusi's phone. You screamed, All contracts are null and Lloyd! Then you started crying when no one realized it was an Entourage reference.
AMIR: I wanted people to hug it out, bitch.
JAKE: (not 100% sure about this) Arrie, right.
AMIR: Yeah, Arrie Goals.
(jump scene)
JAKE: All right, I think this is it. These picks--
AMIR: Ah, Jake, that Final Four is good, and I'ma let you finish, but these picks--
JAKE: Oh my God, are you seriously bringing back that Kanye thing, dude?
(pause. AMIR slowly backs into his chair and lifts up his hands in frustration)
AMIR: (sighs) I'ma was gonna let you finish.
(jump scene)
AMIR: You're gonna be using this one as the answer key.
JAKE: No, we're not, because that's last year's answer key.
AMIR: Yeah, well, history tends to repeat itself--
JAKE: None of the first-round matchups are the same.
(pause. AMIR hits the table.)
AMIR: I'm a loser and a Jew.
JAKE: That's true, but don't... say it like that.
(jump scene)
AMIR: I'ma, I'ma was gonna sit back and I'ma was gonna let you finish, you know? I'ma has manners, after all, but you interrupted me.
JAKE: (indignant) You interrupted me!
AMIR: Ah! And now I'ma feels bad, okay? I feel bad about I'ma-self!
(jump scene)
AMIR: And...done!
JAKE: You have your final score in the championship being a tie.
AMIR: Yeah, well, hindsight is 20-20.
JAKE: Your final score is 20-20.
(jump scene)
AMIR: Mon-can-a? More like Mon-can't-a!
JAKE: (at same time) No? It's not Mon-can-a!
AMIR: You best start believing in ghost stories, Miss Turner, 'cause you're in the final four!
JAKE: What are you--
AMIR: With!
JAKE: (opens mouth)
AMIR: Ya!
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