INTRO:
AMIR: Hey you're watching Jake and f***ing Amir!
JAKE: We can't use that!
AMIR: Just bleep it!
[Jake and Amir are waiting in line outside a club.]
AMIR: Alright so how does this work?
JAKE: It's called grinding, you giant ass! You rub your boner against women to prove to society that you're worth a shit.
AMIR: Have you ever done it before?
JAKE: Got really close once, but I got cocky, started tweeting #victory, scarred the bitch off.
AMIR: Heheh.
JAKE: Woulda' been a total loss, but I got victory trending in NYC.
AMIR: Wow, really?
JAKE: NOT the trending part!
AMIR: Soo, do you do this every night, or...
JAKE: Well not every night, usually I come here at like 4 PM. I have to get here before the bouncer because these clubs are exclusive as shit. Great question, I hide in the men's room and pretend I'm the janitor.
JAKE: Alright dude, practice; pretend I'm a hot girl.
AMIR: Alright.
JAKE: (in a hot girl voice) Hey babe.
AMIR: Hey! Your hair is too short and your voice is too low, call me if you wanna lose your dick!
JAKE: Oh my God, my boy's got it! It's called negging, dude, insult the bitch and make her come to you!
(the woman in front of them in line (Bridget Burke) gives Jake a disgusted look.)
JAKE: (to Bridget, in a bad pickup line voice) Hey beautiful..
JAKE: (to Bridget) FAKE tits, FAKE tan, fake Louis Vuitton; there ain't one real thing about ya, sister!
BRIDGET: (sarcastically) ...Yeah.
JAKE: Will you date me? Will you date me? Cuz I'll be exclusive, and you don't have to be. How's that for--
(Amir tugs Jake's arm back, trying to save him from the trainwreck of a conversation.)
JAKE: (to Amir) Dude! Dude don't touch me right now, I'm thirty seconds away from getting line-poon.
JAKE: (to Bridget) One drink, okay I'm begging you, one drink, and then I'll grind on you like you've never been ground before.
BRIDGET: If you lose that fedora,--
(Jake quickly takes off his fedora.)
BRIDGET: Let me finish. If you lose that fedora, and you go home, maybe I'll forget about how badly you embarrassed yourself in front of me.
JAKE: Damn girl. Aight, you fly.
BRIDGET: You're ugly to me.
JAKE: Ahkey! Chill!
[Amir is talking to the woman behind them in line, and Jake is leaning against the wall of the building.]
JAKE: (to BRIDGET) Hey, why don't you dump your iPhone boyfriend and go out with this Man-Droid?
BRIDGET: Oh my God that is the DUMBEST thing I have EVER HEARD.
JAKE: Ooh my God! Stop being mean to me!
JAKE: Hey everybody, check it out, I think there's a whale at this party, somebody's got a blow-hole. (He pushes his head back against the wall while pretending to blow into his thumb, creating the illusion of his hat rising up by being inflated.)
JAKE: (to BRIDGET) Yo you're ugly! I wouldn't fuck you with his dick! (pointing at Amir)
BRIDGET: You look like your chin grew pubes; I wouldn't let you fuck me with anyone's dick!
JAKE: Ok well I wouldn't.. take his dick to fu-- You're a fuckin' ten. You're a ten, okay? Can I have your number?
BRIDGET: No!
JAKE: Here's my phone, put in your number. It doesn't even have to be the real number, I'll never call it
[Amir is talking to the woman behind him, and Jake is doing the whale hat trick again.]
JAKE: Hey dude. (blows into his thumb, and Amir ignores him.) Dude!
JAKE: (to Bridget, holding out his phone, slightly crying) It can be fake if you want, I'll chalk it up as a W. I just wanna show my boys that I got one number tonight!
JAKE: (to Amir, doing a bad impression of Vince Vaughn's character Trent from Swingers.) I'm a big bear, man! I got these claws, and these fangs, and I'm just battin' the bunny around! (AMIR: What are you talking about?) With this, what do I do with the bunny- It's from Swingings! With Jon Favers, and Vince Vang!
JAKE: (to Amir) Pop quiz, hotshot, do you have game?
AMIR: Game?
JAKE: It's called game. You use it to get with chicks, it's the most important thing in the world.
AMIR: I lost my childhood dog today!
JAKE: None due respect dude, FUCK your childhood dog!, ok, this is more important. You know Game of Thorns? This is Game of Thongs!
AMIR: Game of Thorns?
JAKE: Game of Thongs, I said. D-D-DO YA HAVE IT, GAME?
JAKE: (awkwardly gyrating back and forth) Uh, you go find a girl, you grind on her, like this, oh hey (he starts grinding on the girl behind them in line, from the front, and a large black man comes from behind her, grabbing Jake and roughing him up) WHOA! DUDE, RELAX, I DIDN'T SEE A RING, DUDE!
AMIR: He didn't see a ring!
JAKE: I didn't see a ring!
AMIR: Oh, I see a ring.
JAKE: You see a ring??
AMIR: Yeah, I see a ring.
JAKE: Auh she has a ring, dude?!
END.
OUTRO:
[Jake and Amir have made it through the line, and Amir is showing his ID to the bouncer.]
AMIR: Here ya go! So...
BOUNCER: C'mon, this is a fake ID, man!
AMIR: (to Jake) Busted, let's go home.
JAKE: What are you doing, you're twenty-nine, why would you use this ID?!
AMIR: I wanna be from Nebraska!