[NOTE: because there is a lot of play with the pronunciation of the word bagel in this episode, it was a little tough to transcribe in some areas. If anyone has suggestions for how to improve those areas of the script, as well as the script in general, I'm happy to make adjustments]
INTRO
Jake: You're watching Jake and Amir!
Amir: Yeah.
Jake: Why are your hands so sticky?
Amir: I don't know!
EPISODE
[Several people are standing, quietly preparing bagels]
Amir: I had a fuck dream last night.
[Everyone but Jake leaves]
Jake [as crowd dissipates]: Come on. Oh, sorry. [to Amir] What are you doing?
Amir: What? I brought bagels* for the whole company and you're doggin' on me for mentioning, just mentioning that I had a dream? I haven't even gotten into the lurid details yet. And they are wet.
*[Amir pronounces bagel "bag-el" as opposed to "bei-gel", which is the normal pronunciation]
Jake: It was inappropriate.
Amir: You bet your ass it was. Imagine every koala ever, in a bikini.
Jake: Did you buy bagels for everybody just so you can act like an asshole?
Amir: Ok, fine, congratulations for this. Guys, everyone throw up your bagels right now. Throw them up or start paying me for them.
Jake: You can't do that.
Amir: Guess what? Everyone owes me two bucks now because Jake's doggin' me. We'll call it a "Jake doggin' me fee."
Jake: You showed up with bagels around your nipples.
Amir: As a joke.
Jake: You said "bagels on me."
Amir: As a joke.
Jake: And now, you're demanding money, not as a joke, right? You can't do that, it's fucked up. It's a form of robbery. It's extortion. It's also pronounced bagel.
Amir: What am I saying?
Jake: You're saying bagel.
Amir: Right, bagel.
Jake: No, wrong it's-
Amir: Bagel.
Jake: It's-
Amir: Bagel.
Jake: Let me say it. Because you said it wrong three times in a row, ok?
Amir: Bagel.
Jake: Let's go one syllable at a time.
Amir: Ok.
Jake: Say "beig"
Amir: Daeg.
Jake: "el" [with a soft "e"]
Amir: "el" [with a hard "e"]
Jake: Bagel.
Amir: Baeg-el.
[Jake shakes his head]
Amir: Worse, right?
[Emily enters and begins to get a bagel]
Amir: Woah, three bucks! You prick in a wig! Three bucks!
Jake: Relax, dude.
Amir: You owe me money you skinny bitch!
[Murph enters]
Murph: Eh! Cool it! That's my girlfriend, buddy.
Jake: No way, how long?
Murph: Fuck you!
Jake: Jesus. You know, dude, she didn't even take a bagel.
Amir: Bagel! You frickin' nimrod!
Jake: You never had any intention at all of giving these away for free, did you?
Amir [suddenly wearing black and white striped sunglasses]: I hustle. Ok?
Jake: I hate that you can put those on so quickly.
Amir: I spend a penny to make two. Do you know what it's like to grow up on the street? To be hood? Or would you rather just suck off Uncle Sam and swallow what he gives ya? By the way, that was my dream last night.
Jake: You have a job. You could make so much more money doing a good job here, in the office. Did you really blow Uncle Sam in your dream last night?
Amir [no longer wearing sunglasses]: I could clear five dollars easy street if all y'all just ponied up six dollars apiece for these Ed Bagley juniors! Ok, make my money work for me!
Jake: That's not even- how much did you spend on these bagels?
Amir [pulls out a receipt]: Roughly...
[Jake pulls the receipt out of his hand]
Amir: Don't grab stuff out of my hand, ok? I was gonna bring it up earlier but I was gonna wait-
Jake [angrily]: Six hundred dollars! I think you got ripped off.
Amir: Look me in my eyes and actually tell me that you think I got ripped off.
Jake: I just did. I think you got ripped off.
[a moment passes]
Amir: No, not buying that, you blinked.
[Josh is shown vomiting]
Jake: Oh, what is going on?
Amir: Alright, listen up everybody. [makes morse code sounds]
Jake: Say it!
Amir: Y'all now have giardia. Alright, straight up it's a rare form of food poisoning that lasts three weeks; we're talking vomiting, diarrhea, jaundice, infantile jaundice!
[More people begin to vomit]
Jake [repulsed]: Oh!
Amir: Don't worry there is a cure.
Jake: What is it?
Amir: Bedrest. And that information will cost you six hundred dollars, so... [wearing sunglasses] And I just made a profit!
Jake: Take those off!
THE END