Jake: You're watching Jake and Amir
Amir: That's what she said!
Jake: No, she didn't
Amir: I know you are but what am I?
(Jake and amir are in the bathroom, Jake is holding a toothbrush)
Jake: First thing first I'm teaching you how to brush you teeth, right? So put pants on.
(Camera shows shot of Amir's pixelated grey penis)
Amir: Oh my god, like you've never seen a penis before!
Jake: Not one that...
Amir: Big!
Jake: Grey, is what I was going to say. Alright, the key to brushing your teeth efficiently is...
Amir: I know, once a week mother!
Jake: Circular motion. Okay, stop acting like you know what I'm going to say.
Amir: Sorry, mother
Jake: You want to get just a little bit of tooth paste on the brush like this.. Stop peeing! Stop Peeing!
Amir: It says use a pee sized amount, okay. I was just comparing.
Jake: It's getting on my legs!
Amir: Oh, you've never felt pee before
Jake: No, not on my legs.. Stop peeing! Okay, you want to start with your bottom teeth like this.
Amir: Call me Bleeding Gums Murphy, cause I'm Black!
Jake: Jesus, what is that?
Amir: Chocolate, oil and figs!
Jake: Look at you, you're just brushing your gums, how are your teeth not insanely yellow.
Amir: I white strip for 10 hours a day!
Jake: Seriously? (Touches Amir's Teeth) Oh my God, they're so soft
Amir: Yeah!
Jake: They felt like white beans
Amir: Yeah!
Jake: They're softer than cooked rice
Amir: Yeah!
(Both are now holding dental floss)
Jake: Alright, you want to get the floss real nice and tight like this, and then slide it.
Amir: Ahhhh, it pricked me, little bitch
Jake: I'm serious man you've got to stop white stripping
Amir: Yeah!
Jake: You're teeth feel like velvet
Amir: Yeah!
Jake: Like little rectangles of flannel or something
Amir: Yeah!
Jake: A mouth full of packing pieces
Amir: Yeah!
Jake: They're loose too, I feel like I could just flick one out, no problem
Amir: Oh definitely. Let me feel your teeth Hot shot, let me feel how hard they are (Taps Jake's teeth with a toothbrush) too hard, way too hard, you got to have a little give!
Jake: No, they don't
Amir: You wan to feel a healthy tooth, feel mine
Jake: I just did, did you forget about how this conversation originated
Amir: My teeth are a thousand times softer than yours!
Jake: Exactly!
Amir: Exactly
(Amir, is flossing with a lot of blood in his mouth)
Jake: Slide it through the tooth gently
Amir: Oh crapsicles son of a bitch pricked me again
(Now amir is brushing)
Jake: You should be brushing your teeth for a full two minutes, three times a day
Amir: Okay, I don't have an hour to waste on this bullshit!
Jake: Why do you think it's an hour?
Amir: Thirty times four
(Amir is now flossing, with considerable amounts of blood)
Jake: Alright blood is good, it means your gums are getting healthy
Amir: Ow, little bitch pricked me again!
Jake: No, you're controlling the floss, so you're being a little bitch pricking yourself
Amir: Ahh, she is a demon bitch, but she is good
(Amir is now brushing his hair with a toothbrush)
Jake: I'm not saying it doesn't work, but I'm just saying you shouldn't do it.
Amir: Oh! (Brushes his teeth with the same toothbrush) Ew, salty
Jake: shouldn't be
(Amir is again flossing, his mouth and chin covered in blood)
Amir: AH, Let me show you this floss, let me do it on you!
Jake: No, that's okay
Amir: She is pricking me like there's no tomorrow, let me get a new length of rope!
Jake: The floss? You didn't get a bad string, you're going too hard on your gums
Amir: Oh! Little bitch pricked me a third and final time
Jake: Okay, want to take a little break?
Amir: How about I got the bitch? How about I got the bitch back!
(Amir starts to faint)
Jake: Oh hey, you awake (Catches him)
Amir: I'm awake, I'm awake.